Jabberjay
by boywithbreadlover
Summary: I'm no longer Peeta Mellark. I'm a Capitol creation. A mutt, made to carry out what ever they want. Mockingjay in Peeta's POV. Third to The Fate Games and Rekindled Fire. Enjoy and don't forget to Review! Thanks!
1. Chapter 1

**Hello! If you aren't familiar with me, I am boywithbreadlover. I have written the first two books in Peeta's point of view as well. Those are called The Fate Games and Rekindled Fire, they aren't necessary to read to read this one, but if you want to get a better sense of my writing you can read those! Enjoy! I do not own Mockingjay.**

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**Ch. 1**

I shiver as they inject the cold needle into my skin. I had no doubt it was the stuff that kept me awake even when I wanted to sleep. They had been asking me questions I didn't know the answers to for weeks now. They had told me too many times my family was gone. They had tortured me for not stopping the revolution that was beginning at the hands of the District that had abandoned us.

Before my interview I was pampered. I got to talk to Portia and eat normal food and take a shower, but after when they got news my words didn't work I wasn't fed anymore, I was told Portia didn't care for me anymore, and I was bathed once a week. I got to talk to the others once a week. Johanna was here, and Enobaria, and they had even gone and got the poor crazy girl from District Four. Annie and I had connected easily, we were both with out the love of our lives. We were both crazy.

The guards force me to my feet, it was time for our weekly meeting. It was the only time I got real human contact that wasn't a hand across my face or a whip slamming across my back. For all the technology they had, they were quite barbaric.

They never talked to me, except when they asked me questions. How long did you know they were planning to blow the force field? When did you find out District Thirteen was still alive? How long ago did you know that you were going to ally with Finnick and Beetee? They were always questions I didn't have the right answers too. They never failed me with a new torture to put on me.

I was being punished for things I didn't do.

They shove me into the dark room that Johanna sits in shivering. Our rooms were across from each other. I had heard the fearless victor scream too many times to count. I fall to the ground as the door behind me is closed. They watch us in here, if we say something they don't like we are electrocuted.

"Johanna." I say. Standing up weakly. The strength I had gained before the games was all gone.

"Peeta." She says. I never thought we'd see each other so vulnerable. I never thought that we'd be tortured for doing things we never did. Johanna knew things about the plan. I knew she did, she screams more often than I did.

Light enters the room for a couple seconds while Annie is thrown in.

"Enobaria isn't coming today." Says one of the guards. The door closes

Annie stays on the ground for minutes, sobbing into the cold stone floor. It takes me forever to realize she needs help up. It takes both Johanna and I to get her to stand.

"Is Finnick here?" She asks every week with out fail and every week I have to answer no. Some part of me has realized I will never see Katniss again. Some part of me knows that last kiss in the arena is the last we'll ever have. But still there is that Annie in me that hopes to see her again.

"When will he get here?" She cries, her eyes drowning in the thick tears, "He promised me. He said he would come home and that we would be safe. Finnick doesn't break promises."

I close my eyes, Johanna and I knew we had to be strong for her. If we weren't then no one would be, it was just hard some days. "Annie sometimes promises have to be broken for reasons. Finnick is doing everything he can to get back to you, I know it. Don't worry, but it might be a while." Says Johanna, he voice stronger than it has been in weeks.

Johanna's right sometimes promises have to be broken, but I still know I can't let Katniss die. I can't break that promise. They tell me I'll have another interview to try and stop the war, I hope I can do better than I did last time.

"But I can't wait any longer, Jo." Annie had started calling Johanna that, weeks ago. I figured she couldn't get her full name out. I try to contain my tears as Annie cries more, but I can't find it in me as the first tear drops.

"I know. I can't either, but it will be fine. Trust me. Finnick, he's strong." Says Johanna. No one else talks after that. Silence was how most of our time together was spent. I wipe my eyes. At least we had each other.

I wish I could hold Katniss in times like these. It was always her heart beating with mine that made me feel better. If only she could know that all she had to do was stop this war and then we could be together. I'm sure they think of me as a traitor.

As soon as I called for a ceasefire in my interview I'm sure I was deemed so. Katniss must know that's not who I am. She must know that I hate the Capitol more than anything. She must know I'm not a traitor.

I start shaking from the idea of Katniss turning away from me. Maybe she does believe I'm a traitor. Maybe she doesn't love me anymore. My frail body just wants to stop working, but the serum they put in me keeps me from doing that. It keeps me fully aware for hours on end. They won't even give me sleep to escape to anymore because we all know the nightmares are better than real life.

They wanted me to believe that Katniss was a traitor to me. They wanted me to believe that she knew the plan that Beetee and Finnick and Johanna had. I know she didn't, she would have told me. They had made me watch as she sent the arrow into the force field a billion times. I watched as she gets the idea. I watched as she realizes the plan. Katniss didn't know before. And neither did I.

The Capitol had it wrong, and they had all along.

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**I hope you liked it! If his thoughts seem scattered to you, it's because they should be, so that's why the writing might seem a little weird! Can't wait to write this one, and I won't be posting a lot in the next two weeks because it**'**s break and I thought I should take a short fanfic break, so I normally post often, but for the next two weeks not so much! Just a heads up! Don't forget to REVIEW on the way out! Thanks! ~boywithbreadlover**


	2. Chapter 2

**Here's the next chapter! Enjoy! I do not own Mockingjay, any direct quotes will be in italics.**

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**Ch. 2**

My hands tremble as I'm left alone in the room. They had just fed me, one roll; I know somehow it is the only food I will get today. I try not to listen to the news up ahead, that acts as if nothing is wrong. As if my whole life is not being ruined. As if people are not out there fighting for their lives.

I'm forced to watch the footage of District Twelve being bombed almost everyday, and it was only a week ago that they had shown me the bakery. They had the footage all along, and I'm not sure why they didn't show me earlier. I'm guessing if they have something to torture me with then it's good, to them at least; and that they should hold it back for a while until they know it will hit me the hardest.

Everything is fine at the beginning of the tape, sunny and almost peaceful, which is the way it was on most District Twelve mornings. I see Rhys walk out side with his fiancé and she kisses him quickly and walks away. Then he goes back in, and that's when everything begins. They don't give me the mercy of turning the sound off, like they did before they made me watch this one.

I hear the first boom, the first scream, the first cry, the first person running. My family stay obliviously inside, I know they're all in there. Probably watching me on the small screen that was in the bakery. Then I see it, the bomb that ended my family. The bomb that took away the people who had been with me my whole entire life.

I started sobbing the first time I saw it. They racked through my body like nothing has ever done before, but throughout the week they have been feeding me less and letting me sleep less and I no longer have the energy to cry like that. So now, when they show me, usually early in the morning to remind me this isn't just a nightmare, the tears fall silently from my eyes.

That's when they come in, whips in one hand, needles in the other, ready for another day of torturing me. Torturing a boy who knew absolutely nothing. They told me it was because my call for cease-fire wasn't enough. President Snow told me, on his weekly horrible visits with me that I would interview again. I had asked if he knew how Katniss was, he had shaken his head and laughed.

"Don't you know Peeta Mellark? I don't give my information out to just anyone." He had left the room before I had gotten the power in me to spit at him. That was yesterday, though it seemed like years. Seconds seemed like minutes here and minutes felt like years. Time slowed when pain and torture was involved. I didn't like that fact one bit.

"In other news!" The bright lady that told the news every afternoon was way too happy to know anything about what is going on in here or even out in the other Districts. I know they are beginning to fight, way deep down in my bones I'm sure of it, and I feel a pride for them. A knot tightens in my stomach as I realize I must tell them to stop. But if there is one thing I know about the fighters in the Districts is that they don't give up, especially not Katniss Everdeen.

And that's when the screen blacks out and then fuzz that comes along with a loud fuzzy noise and I think that maybe this is a new way of torturing me. Then I rethink it, realizing that this was not harsh enough torture. Somewhere, deep inside my broken brain something clicks. The newscast did not go out on purpose, something was wrong.

And that's when it begins a fire coming out of a black screen, burning across it as if it were scavenging across a dry and barren land. Then I see the Mockingjay, bright and burning it brings tears to my tired eyes. I was not supposed to be seeing this, but I was glad somebody was slacking on his or her job.

"_Katniss Everdeen, the girl who was on fire, burns on." _Somewhere deep inside my head I remember Caesar Flickerman saying that while watching the reruns of the opening ceremonies this year. But this wasn't a product of the Capitol, wherever Katniss was, be it District Thirteen as Snow said she was, or a broken down shack in the middle of nowhere, where ever she was, they had just hacked onto the Capitol television.

A small laugh escapes my throat, surely something I'll be punished for later, happiness was not allowed in the dark and hollow room. I knew that and truthfully I did not feel happy, but I felt a sense of accomplishment for the people that were smart enough to broadcast this nation wide.

Then I see her, her face dirty and sweaty and a fire burning bright behind her, it takes me a while to realize that the fire burns a Capitol aircraft. She is a sight for sore eyes and even though I know the TV screen is too far away to touch and that a restraint was slapped onto my wrist I still try and touch her face.

"_I want to tell the rebels that I am alive." _She says, her voice unwavering and strong, just the way I remember rebels, not the Capitol or the traitors or even me, because she knew that we already knew, but the rebels whom did not have the knowledge of President Snow, had no idea whether their speck of hope lived on. Well, not until now. "_I'm right here in District Eight, where the Capitol has just bombed a hospital full of unarmed, men, women, and children. There will be no survivors." _And as the TV cuts to the giant hospital that Katniss talked about cave in on itself. As onlookers fall to the ground in stricken grief, my TV goes black.

I don't feel the electric shock they send through me. I only know it happens because my body screams at me in agony. But my brain pushes that aside as I try to hold onto that last image of Katniss and hears Snow's threats.

Make them stop or she will be dead.

My mind falls unconscious; they probably hope that in the morning I will forget I ever saw that. Because they know truthfully, how was I supposed to make a country stop fighting when I had a hatred for the Capitol as much as the rebels do themselves? They know I am a rebel and they can only hope that making me blind to everything out there can change it.

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**I hope you liked it! If you are new to my fanfics, it usually does not take me a whole week to update, I have just been taking a break. The break has been very nice and don't expect me to be any better this week than I was last. Breaks are needed, that's all I have to say! There seems to have been some confusion and a couple people have asked now, but I am a girl. Sorry if you couldn't tell before! Don't forget to REVIEW on the way out! Thanks! ~boywithbreadlover**


	3. Chapter 3

**Here's the next chapter! Enjoy! I do not own Mockingjay. **

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**Ch. 3**

They had let me take a shower, though the water was cold and soap was not aloud, they had let me rinse. I know something important happened yesterday, but I cannot remember. All I know is that this afternoon I meet with Caesar again.

They told me that my argument should be the same. Tell people that the human race would completely die out if we went on with this war. If there is one thing humans feared the most it was oblivion. It was the only ground the Capitol could stand on. I of course had come up with the idea. Before they had started to torture me, before I realized that my life would be horrible, I had tried to come up with a reasonable idea to call for a cease-fire.

Saying the human race would die was the only real legitimate reason.

I sigh as they pull me out of the shower and run scratchy towels against my skin. It burns, but I had felt much worse pain in the last weeks. Losing Katniss was the biggest of those pains.

Just as I think her name a buzzer seems to go off in my head. A memory my mind can't remember. I've been digging through my brain for anything that I might have learned in the past day. It was something big enough to knock me out.

The guards drop clothes onto the floor and tell me to get dressed. I had a meeting with the President, they said, I had to look presentable. They knew the President had seen me writhing in pain against my cold metal table. The President probably liked me better that way, but this meeting wasn't to instill fear, it was to get me ready for my interview.

I walked with a limp because I hadn't walked in a while and the new leg they gave me poked into my stump. That didn't matter for the interview though because the public would only see my sitting, but they would have to be blind to not notice my changes. I look at the reflective glass in the elevator that takes me to where ever Snow is. My muscles are all gone, all my limbs are skinny as they were when I was a child. My face is warn down by sleepless nights and merciless torturing. I look almost as if I was a ghost, come to haunt the man that caused me all this torture. If only I were that lucky.

"Mr. Mellark, please sit." The room in which President Snow sits is large and glamorous made ugly by the snake that sits in the middle of it.

I walk painfully to the large chair that sits in front of the monster. I feel like throwing up, only because they gave me more food than they usually do.

"Lucy, you can get to work." Says Snow. A Capitol woman I'd never seen before walks timidly towards me, she begins to work make-up across my face. As if the stuff could hide my misery. I want to save my strength for the interview so I don't speak. I don't usually when I am around him anyways.

"Do know what they are doing to Katniss?" The question is rhetorical and the mention of her name sets another buzzer off in my head. It bothers me, but I don't have the strength to pursue it. "They have made her go to the Districts and see the sick people and they've video taped it!" He laughs, it's cold and heartless. I shiver from it. "As if people around the country want to see a seventeen year old girl talking to the poor! Peeta," He looks right at me, his emotionless eyes seeming to look into my soul and devour it. "She doesn't know what she's doing.

"She is young and they have brainwashed her. Listen to me, if you want them to stop get your point across. If she knows what is right she will leave District Thirteen. Talk to her Peeta, she will watch this. Put sense into her." I know way deep down in my heart that they have not brainwashed her and the videos he talks of are to show the pain that the Capitol has caused, but some part of me works it into reason.

I need her back, it's essential, I need her right here beside me. Right now and if the only way to do it is to tell her to stop than I must. I always had a way with words, I just hope that they will work.

A tear starts to fall and I feel it making a path on my makeup. Lucy has gone to get something, President Snow gets up and leaves and I'm left alone. He knows he's got me and he did it easily.

Lucy comes back and sees the tears, "No, no, no, no!" She wipes it away and I try my best to conceal them after that. It seemed to upset her too much.

When I'm sitting in another room waiting for the interview to begin I feel completely and utterly lost. Part of me knows I'll pass out, another part fights to stay conscience, but I know that I have no real control over any of it. There was a moment between them forcing water down my mouth and putting make-up on my skinny face that it was just me and Caesar. I mean there was the camera crew and the other people hustling around, but they weren't paying attention to us.

"Peeta," He looked at me with great pity and gave me a smile as if we had been friends for ages. Which I guess sort of we had, but it was one sided. I had seen Caesar all my life, interviewing the children that had no hope, but really he had no idea who I was. Most everything I had told him in my interviews were truth hidden behind a large web of lies. Caesar didn't know me, but for that one second he made me feel safe. "Are you ready for this?" I knew I wasn't, but part of me also knew that once the cameras started rolling my instinct to protect Katniss would kick in.

"I don't know." I let a fake laugh escape my lips to make it seem as if everything was okay, but he knew. He knew the Capitol had torn my whole world apart, he knew every last detail of my torture, and I wonder what made him stay here.

"Going to start rolling in 3, 2," The camera man makes a gesture and I see a red light on the camera turn on and I know somewhere out there Katniss is watching. Some part of me knowing that helps, but another makes me scared. I wonder if she knows I'm lying. I wonder if she sees right through my carefully articulated words.

The interview starts and Caesar and I have an easy banter. There are no questions of how my life has been or what I've been doing here in the Capitol because everyone knew the lies I would have to tell for those answers would be too hard, but then it really begins. He asks about the videos that President Snow had told me about. He asked if I wanted to tell Katniss anything.

It was easy as if I was telling the truth. Words flowed out, telling her to question the people that told her what to do. Which in all actuality was a good piece of advice. One should always do that. I just hope she will do whatever is best and if staying in District Thirteen and defeating the Capitol was the right thing, then I hope she did. As long as she didn't kill herself in the process.

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**I hope you liked it! That was a nice break and this week I'll get into my old routine of posting regularly! Don't forget to REVIEW on the way out! Thanks! ~boywithbreadlover**


	4. Chapter 4

**Here's the next chapter! Enjoy! I do not own Mockingjay. **

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**Ch. 4**

One step, one more, I'm almost to the door, it's not like they would let me fall. Last night was hard, a brutal beating by a man that could have won the Hunger Games one-hundred times with out even a bruise on his body. It was a long beating too. They had given me some type of serum that made it so I could not be knocked unconscious. I had a theory that it would keep your brain going even if you were dead.

I felt dead last night.

When he had finished and left me bleeding on the floor two others guards had came in. I wonder how they train them to not feel remorse. Or maybe they're born with it. Since the day they are born they are told to root for children to kill other children. It is hardwired into their bones to be heartless.

The two guards hadn't been gentle as they picked me up off the ground and thrown me on to the metal table that I slept on each night. They had also pulled the restraints tighter. I knew it would be a long night. Especially since I knew I would not be able to fall asleep.

That's when I had smelt him, after the guards had left and I had been lying there for a while. Above my blood there was the smell of even more, and with that more blood came roses. I kept my eyes closed because his face would be even more torture. I didn't need any more torture.

"It didn't work. Well at least we don't think so. They are constantly trying to disrupt our airwaves. I think they would've have stopped if your words had helped. Don't you think?" I didn't say anything because something had clicked in my brain, and honestly I don't think I had the strength just then.

I suddenly had remembered what had been bugging me all day whenever Katniss was mentioned. It comes to me in a flash; her face tired and dirty screaming to the rebels to fight on with a war scene behind her. They had wanted me to forget, but something in my broken and messed up brain had remembered.

"People need to see those videos." I had spit out some kind of strength coming into me from out of nowhere. I felt as if I had spit in his face. And though I could not see it, I imagined the old snake had taken a step back.

"But Peeta, don't you get it, we will win. We always win." He sounded so sure in his words, but if he wanted me to stop this war so bad how could he be so sure?

"Really? You sound nervous. If the Rebels don't back down, you're dead. You know it too." This time I knew he took a step back because I heard it against the cold stone floor. It's funny how a powerful and intimidating man would feel fear from the words of a broken and bleeding boy. The fear didn't show in his voice.

"Peeta, I'm only trying to stop the deaths of millions. If it's war they want, it's war we'll give them." And then he left with out giving me any time to answer back to it.

I was surprised when I woke up the next morning that they took me to the weekly time with the others. It was only Johanna this week, but it was someone I could tell about the video of Katniss. I didn't care if they punished me for telling her, it's not as if they would kill me. They needed me for leverage against Katniss and a face for the public. They could hurt me, but in the end I would still be alive.

"Why do you think Annie's not here?" Johanna asks once I'm thrown in the room and the door is closed behind me. There is only one light in here, way off in the corner from a candle we can't move. It's enough to see each other's faces. "That for the interview?" She asks emotionless. I don't answer her first question because neither of us knows the answer and honestly we probably don't want to.

"That's what they told me, but it's not a legitimate reason." I say. None of this was, but nothing in the Capitol was ever done for legitimate reasons. "It's not important anyways." I pause before I continue. I was okay with being tortured this afternoon if I could tell someone about the video I saw.

"Did they tell you where the others were?" I ask. This is probably the most we've talked during this time since the first week, when we were still mostly here.

"Thirteen. I know. I knew things." She says, but doesn't explain and I don't ask. The reason why we were here, why the others were in Thirteen didn't really matter to me anymore. I just know that we are here and they are there and it was a plan. I didn't need to know anymore.

"They're attacking the airwaves and showing these videos of Katniss or Finnick talking to the rebels and telling them to fight." Johanna looks confused, but it might just be from being tired. Either way I decide to expand on it and tell her the rest of my story. "I saw one. It was Katniss screaming to the rebels and telling them to fight because the Capitol doesn't care. They cut it off before I could see the whole thing, but I know that they are fighting."

"Why are you telling me this? I know. I know that they are fighting. Why else would we be tortured?" She says. I knew, we all knew, but it just seemed important to tell her about this. There was another reason; in some way it put logic behind my torturing. Some sort of barbaric logic, but logic.

"Because this isn't all for nothing." I say. My voice sounds devoid of hope, but maybe if one were to listen real hard they could find it in there.

Because there is hope, even here, in dark dungeon like cells where I feel like dying.

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**I hope you liked it! I know I said I would get back on my normal schedule, but I'm sorry if I don't get another update in until Friday. You very might well get one tomorrow, but there are no promises! Don't forget to REVIEW on the way out! Thanks! ~boywithbreadlover**


	5. Chapter 5

**Here's the next chapter! Enjoy! I do not own Mockingjay, any direct quotes will be in italics. **

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**Ch. 5**

I knew I wasn't stable. I knew I had come to my breaking point. Why then, did I trust myself to speak? The week had been hard and they had told me over and over again that I got one more chance. I had tried hard to say the right things, but I could only hear the Capitol workers in the back of my head the whole time.

"Yeah, they're sending bombs out there for real." One had said. I knew I wasn't supposed to be hearing this, but I listened anyway.

"Think it will kill 'em?" The other had said. It was like the talk was normal. Killing was an everyday thing in the Capitol. I realized that they talked about District Thirteen.

"That's what we hope." And then I moved onto the front of the camera. I knew I had to tell them in some way. I knew it, but I also knew it could mean my death. So when it came to desperate measures I just spit it out.

"_And you…In Thirteen…Dead by morning!" _That's when my normal life had ended. Not that it had been normal for a while, just I knew, way deep down in my bones I would never, could never, be the same Peeta I was before.

The night had begun with them killing the two Avoxes that took care of us in the training room. I knew one, Darius, and the girl who they said was Lavania Katniss had known some how though I can't quite remember how. They had made me watch them die. Strapped to the table with my eyes kept open with a weird contraption, I watched the people that did nothing wrong die.

To be honest, I didn't have normal emotions. Maybe if I were completely sane, well-fed, and showered I would have reacted as a normal human being. With tears and cries of emotional pain and maybe just a bit of remorse, but after that night I lost the ability to feel.

They started off with a shot. The needle was long and inside was a yellow thick serum. It wasn't anything they had ever put in me before.

Here I am now. With a new serum in my blood and my palms sweaty I'm sitting in front of a large screen. I know once they turn it on it will be as if I am experiencing whatever they show me on the screen, for it surrounded me on all sides. Something makes me fearful.

Then I see her, but I see her in a different light. She's standing in District Twelve and her face looks fearful, but she doesn't look human. If she were human she'd be an ugly one. It isn't until I hear Effie's voice in the background that I realize it's the reaping. The girl that isn't human looks back towards something, not to me, just towards someone else. Part of me feels like she is going to harm me though. I don't feel safe. I want to get up and run, but I know I am strapped to the seat.

"I volunteer!" The camera angle changes she's running towards me, attacking me. The Peacekeepers try to stop her, but it doesn't help. The scene changes, but the girl keeps running. She has a bow and arrow and just as I notice this she shoots. I close my eyes and I wait for death since surely her arrow will kill me, but it doesn't come. When I open them again, I am back in a room.

"Peeta, are you okay?" A man runs towards me, he has a white rose in his front pocket and his smell isn't pleasant, but he's here to help me. I'll take whatever help I can get, though I'm not sure how he knows my name.

"That monster tried to kill me!" I scream pointing towards the black empty screen. The man's eyes brighten for a second, but I don't know why. The girl could be back any second and this time we could be dead.

"Oh no! It's one of the Capitol mutts again!" He screams. The mutts are out to get me. This one was probably made specifically to kill me.

"Just stay right here. I'll be back." Then he left me alone, scared to death. I wasn't sure what was coming.

A person came in with a needle and though I probably should have I didn't react when they injected something yellow into my bloodstream. The room went dark again.

The same girl that didn't seem human is outside and I see her put something into some kind of mix. Something clicks in my brain as I realize it's poison and it isn't until she's walking towards me with a spoon that I realize she's trying to kill me again. This time more subtly.

She's urging me to put the spoon in my mouth, but I won't listen to her tricks anymore. "No! I know what you're doing, you mutt! You mutt!"

Katniss? Was that Katniss? I turn my head. Why would they be showing me footage from my first Games. To make sure that even my memories are a bad place to go? But they aren't Katniss is in them.

"Katniss?" I say. The screen goes black, a guard rushes in, another needle in my arm. Then I have fear rushing through my body. The room is dark again and the monster is trying to kill me still. Her mouth moves, but I don't hear what she says.

"No! I'm smarter than you, you Capitol creation. You can't kill me!" The scene changes and the monster is nowhere to be seen. Then all of a sudden she is. She has the bow and arrow again.

"I'm going to get you!" She says, though her mouth doesn't seem to move, but that's easily explainable, all mutts had weird things about them. I try to run, but I'm stuck to the chair. It seems my worst nightmares have come true and I am about to die. She pulls an arrow from her back, sets it in her bow easily and shoots. And I knew, right then, I was gone.

Dead.

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**I hope you liked it! So, tell me what you think of how I did the hi-jacking. I think this might be the most I do with it, next chapter will probably me showing what he's become with it and then him waking up in Thirteen. If you want me to do more hi-jacking then tell me! Your opinion matters! But ultimately what I think is best for my story will happen. But please, tell me what you thought! Don't forget to REVIEW on the way out! Thanks! ~boywithbreadlover **

**P.S. I can't wait for District Thirteen! I've got some great plans!**


	6. Chapter 6

**Here's the next chapter! Enjoy! I do not own Mockingjay. **

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**Ch. 6**

Things changed. They started to feed me and let me take showers and some times they let me sleep on a normal bed. I wasn't sure why I was in the Capitol, I had a feeling I had done something wrong. I was given a shot on a normal basis. I only had one fear, the Capitol designed mutt named Katniss that was out to kill me.

I found myself getting angry a lot at simple things. Like how they won't let me talk to Portia, how they say that she doesn't like me anymore. Really it doesn't hurt me to know that. All she worried about was moving out of the Capitol, which was kind of hypocritical in a way. She worked for the Capitol. She should respect it.

I looked forward for my daily chats with President Snow. He treated me as if I were high on his priority list. It really meant a lot to me because every one else was usually rude or stand off-ish with me. I didn't mind. I did value my alone time. It was nice.

I usually fantasized over all the ways I could kill the vicious mutt that was out to kill me. Maybe with her own power bow and arrow. It would be ironic wouldn't it? A death by your own weapon. I had decided it would be the most dramatic. Drama is always fun.

Someone tried to tell me that Katniss had befriended me at one time. I wandered why I would trust a monster so easily? They said it was the way she was designed and that she got close with her enemies so that she would be trusted and then she would kill them. I thought I had a good sense about how I chose my friends. I guess not.

In the torture room I wait for my daily shot to come, but then I hear alarms going off. The smoke enters into my system before I see it and then I'm out like a light. My last thought: She's found me.

"Peeta?" Some one is shaking my face and trying to get me to open my eyes. I've never heard the voice before, maybe it's a new guard.

My eyes snap open as I remember what had happened before I went to bed.

"Katniss?" I spit out. It's the only thing that manages to leave my mouth because I feel weak. My blood seems to pump sluggishly throughout my body and my eyes don't want to stay open. A stranger stands over me with a bright light behind him.

I think, this is it, I've died, or I'm about to anyways. She's already gotten to me, and the doctors tried to save me, but he's about to tell me that it's worthless.

"She'll be here in a second. Peeta it's okay. You're in District Thirteen. You're safe here." How could it be okay if they were bringing her to me? That wasn't okay, she was going to kill me. I start to get up because I knew only one thing, I had to get out of here. Or maybe…I stop. Maybe this was my chance. I was strong, I could kill her with my bare hands.

"Shh. Shh. You're safe. Now why don't you rest? Katniss will be here any moment." I move again, it's best I find her before she finds me.

I swing my legs over the bed and begin to stand up, but two other doctors rush to my side. "Whoa, buddy. You need to rest. Come on." They try to lay me back down on the bed, but I'm strong enough to resist them. They start to do tests on me that the Capitol workers did every so often. A stick in my mouth that I knew took temperature, a hand tightly around my wrist to check my pulse.

"I have to go. I'm not safe here. Snow will come and get me. Just stop!" I try to get them off of me, but they keep working and pushing me back down when I try to stand.

"No, Peeta. We'll protect you here. You're safe. No longer theirs any more." I know that their words are meant to soothe me, but they scare me. I want to be the Capitol's they kept me safe, gave me food and water and made sure I wouldn't die in all the war that was going on. Snow wouldn't just abandon me like this.

That's when I see her. An evil grin comes across her face as if she's ready for the kill she was designed to do. I won't let her get that satisfaction. She starts to run for me as soon as I get away from the doctors to walk towards her. She has her arms extended out towards me as if she could kill me with a hug. It's disgusting how powerful she thinks she is.

I reach my arms out to and I yearn for the moment they will reach her throat. I yearn for the moment she will look me in the eyes take her last breath know I was the one that did this to her. I had wanted this for a long while. My hands wrap around her small throat. I feel her pulse through the large vein in her neck, I couldn't wait for it to stop.

I see her start to lose life, seconds go by with out her getting air and her face begins to become blue. A smile breaks out across my face. Finally I would have nothing to fear. Snow will be so happy for me. She looks scared and I'm surprised she doesn't fight back, I thought this battle would be a much harder one.

I don't even notice the other people around me, starting to scream and run. I was a monster to them. Didn't they notice I was killing one of the worst mutts ever created? I don't notice the big man until his fist has already hit my face and then I'm out. I'm not completely sure she's dead, but I sure hope my mission was complete.

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**Don't forget to REVIEW on the way out! Thanks! ~boywithbreadlover**


	7. Chapter 7

**Here's the next chapter! Enjoy! I do not own Mockingjay.**

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**Ch. 7**

"Peeta, I need you to listen to me." The voice was familiar to me and some part of it made me feel safe. It was rough and weighed down by years of heartache and trauma, but I knew that whoever it belonged to I could trust. In the small moments of sanity that I have I get frustrated from not being able to remember anything. Maybe the feelings I get from this voice are a reassurance that I will get better.

"They did something to you, but at one point you were a different person." I knew that way deep down when I took the time to think about I was changed. It bothered me, I felt as if I was made into a monster and I couldn't control what I did. "We're doing everything in our power to get you back to normal."

The monster in me didn't want normal. I feel my eyes begin to gloss over, my muscles begin to tense. The moment that I could be close to my normal self was passing. I'm turning into their creation again.

"I know you hate her." These words trigger something in me. I feel an anger arising in my chest and a passion exploding out of my mouth.

"She's a mutt! I don't care what they tell you! She's a mutt!" I try and fight my way out, but I'm tied down by restraints that I swear get tighter and tighter as I fight against them.

I try to tear out the water that is constantly pumped into my body to at least accomplish something and go against some kind of thing they have forced on me, but I can't even do that.

"Peeta! Peeta! You…" The man searches for words and I had a feeling that he didn't have to do that often. I had left him speechless, I've been doing that to a lot of people lately. It gave me some sort of accomplishment; if they wouldn't let me kill Katniss at least I intimidated them.

It is quiet what he says next and low like he doesn't want anyone, but me to hear it. I have a feeling he wasn't good with touchy feely. "You loved her." Then something fizzles out and the sounds of the loud speaker were gone.

I settle down and laugh, how I could ever love a monster like her was so unthinkable. She wasn't even pretty and she acted as she were better than most. She annoyed me, and I knew I could never give my heart to an evil creature like her. It was completely unthinkable.

"Peeta," It's another voice now, the one of the doctor that had been coming into check me every hour of every day I had been here. I didn't like him. He was always reassuring me that everything was fine. But in reality he had no idea. It was a constant battle in my head. If even the mere idea of Katniss is brought up a frenzy happens in my head. Even if someone just says 'she'. My sane moments, which in all honesty weren't that sane were spent with me searching for any memory I could grab onto.

So, no, everything was not okay. I was battling with myself, I had forgotten who I was, and honestly all I really wanted was my family, who I did, miraculously, remember. Every time I asked about them the doctors pushed it off. I had a feeling they didn't care for me anymore. I was too crazy for them.

I did know some things. Like how I was in the Hunger Games twice, that outside this room that I'm in, a revolution is taking place. That I wasn't liked by a lot of people now. Something I had done or said had changed people's minds on me. I knew I was crazy, and it took some sort of strength in me to come to terms with that.

But it is no fun feeling like a ticking time bomb.

"Peeta?" My doctor said again. He had told me his name multiple times, but honestly I hadn't found the need to remember it if I couldn't even remember who I am. "Is it okay if I come to check your vitals?"

He sounds nervous, which the sane part of me understands, there is a double mirror that they watch me through, he just saw my whole freak-out. But the insane part of me jumps with excitement, scaring people was a good thing.

"Sure." I call out in to thin air knowing that they are taking each and every word I say and analyzing it to see if there is any special meaning behind it. I know in their doctor minds, me saying 'sure' is me realizing that I need to be helped though I am reluctant to it. I heard them say something close to that under hushed whispers while in my room. Really me saying 'sure' was me trying to contain the inner-monster. If I had allowed my mouth to say what ever it pleased it would not have been that nice.

The short doctor walks in a couple of his tools in hand.

"Peeta, were sorry that Haymitch…umm." They put a name to the voice that was speaking to me. I remembered him, what he looked like anyways, and why I knew him. He was my mentor in the Games; wait, no, our mentor. I had gone into the games with that monster?

"She's a mutt!" I yell over and over again until the doctor hurries out of the room.

I think it's about an hour later when I calm down completely; when I finally slouch in my restraints and rest my head against the harsh pillow. My breaths are shallow and my throat is scratchy from screaming for so long.

What in Haymitch's voice made me feel so safe? I will myself to think her name and hope I do not go crazy again. I am tired, but my mind does not care. I had to get my point across. Katniss wasn't safe. It makes me react a little, but not much.

If Haymitch was both our mentors then he probably trusted her as well which meant I could not trust him, unless he proves that I have his full and complete trust. I resolve that if his voice ever comes into my room again I will try not to listen.

For I did not want to listen to the devil's advocate.

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**Sorry about the rant yesterday, I really should not let one person's words get to me, but it does. Mostly because I would never do something like that to put people down. So, thank you for reading it and giving me those wonderfully amazing reviews because they really made my day. And don't worry, that one person is not going to get me to stop, I've got plenty of people encouraging me to go on! Thank you so much! Don't forget to REVIEW on the way out! Thanks! ~boywithbreadlover **

**P.S. I'm deleting the rant, I wanted to get it out there, but I don't want it on there forever. Thanks once again!**


	8. Chapter 8

**Here's the next chapter! FYI if you haven't read my last one (Rekindled Fire) I have an original character in this chapter. She was really small in the last one, but yeah...just so you don't get confused! Enjoy! I do not own Mockingjay.**

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**Ch. 8**

They let me talk to people. Well one person, earlier this morning, I talked to Delly Cartwright, but it was obvious that she had befriended Katniss. When I had asked her why we no longer were in District Twelve she stumbled over her words like no other. Katniss had ruined our home, but every one still trusted her. It sickened me.

I liked the fear in her eyes while I screamed at her. She looked helpless. It made me feel powerful.

No one else had come in after that. Only the doctor over the loud speaker asking me simple questions that he asked most days. But they were all too afraid to come in that day because every couple hours Katniss would pop into my head and I would go crazy once again.

The sane part of me, did not like it. Not one bit because I felt powerless to my own body. I did not know why I was here or where my family was and I felt more lost than I had ever been before. I felt an emptiness in my body and when the nightmares come at night I have nothing to stop them with.

I was broken, beyond repair. The worst part was they didn't seem to want to make me better, only to prolong this life that was horrible and meaningless.

When the monster took over I felt my best. When I came aware that I had been a monster I felt my worse. But I could not stop it. I knew that. I knew I was changed, that I could never go back. I didn't even know what I could go back to. I had completely forgotten my old self. Which was sad, I guess, but how could I be sad about something I didn't know?

That's when I hear a women's voice, her words are chosen wisely as if she were getting her way out of a bomb. "Hello Peeta. I'm Sky; I was your brother Rhys' fiancé. I'm sure you probably noticed the was. If your okay with me coming in, I'll explain what happened."

Finally, I think, someone will flat out tell me. I needed this. And even though I barely remembered this girl, I knew somehow I could expect the truth from her.

"Yeah," I drop out of my mouth. My voice sounds confused, but that's how it has been the whole time I have been here.

I try and compose myself to make sure nothing sets the inner monster in me off, but right now I'm sure I won't. I feel surprisingly calm.

The girl, Sky, shuffles in. She is absolutely perfect for my brother, just by the looks of her. She has a tall structure like him and wide shoulders and though her face isn't the prettiest she seemed like a nice girl.

"They told me not to hug you, but you were almost family. So I can't not." She says. I can practically hear the doctors screaming on the other side of the window as she comes nearer. She was right and I've been longing for some kind of human contact for a while. No one ever got this close to me unless they were checking my pulse and that was done quickly.

But this isn't, she wraps her strong arms around me and though I'm restrained and can't hug her back, for those couple seconds I feel loved. I hadn't felt loved for a while and it was nice. When she lets go I automatically want her to come back and it's not in some love connection type of way. It's in the human need kind of way. I was deprived of any type of affection and finally I was getting it again.

"Thank you." I say, keeping my eyes away from hers. I didn't want to scare her away.

She sits down in a chair that wasn't used often. Actually I'm not even sure if my doctor had ever used it.

"I heard they haven't told you much and since I was the person closest to your family that's here I thought it best that I tell you." There is grieving in her voice and I feel somewhere deep in my bones that the things she is about to tell me aren't happy. Nothing anyone tells me these days are happy. I had grown used to it.

"When you were…" She searches for a word that won't set me off and I silently thank her for it. "Away." She finally lets out, "District Twelve was bombed by the Capitol. We did nothing to revoke such violence, it just happened."

She is blunt with her words, which in all honesty is what I needed. I didn't want any more beating around the bush. I had, had enough of that. Even so, my stomach drops. I didn't remember many things, but I did remember my home. It was hard not to forget.

The way the sun came through the trees and the way everyone knew who you were and the way people were nice even when poverty told them to be otherwise. My home did not deserve to be bombed. My body begins to shake. All I wanted, all I needed, was home, but I couldn't have that.

"Where are they?" I ask. A tear falls down Sky's face as she looks at me with sorrow. "They're here. They just aren't allowed to see me, for… for safety reasons. Right?" If my home was no longer there then what of my family? Surely they wouldn't have abandoned me.

"I'm sorry Peeta. I'm sorry." She shakes her head as more tears begin to fall. I join her in the crying realizing that I hadn't seen my family because there was no way to see someone if they were dead. "The bomb. It landed right on the bakery. I should have been in there with them." She says. She speaks more words, but I have lost the ability to hear them because now I am full on sobbing. With the sounds and the racks through my body and the tears falling.

My family was the only ones that knew the old me. Any chances that I will ever become the old Peeta are completely gone.

So was he. He had died in that bombing with the rest of his family.

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**This chapter is kind of sad...But more or less it shows that the Tracker Jacker venom is leaving his body and he is becoming more clear-headed. Don't forget to REVIEW on the way out! Thanks! ~boywithbreadlover**


	9. Chapter 9

**Here's the next chapter! Enjoy! I do not own Mockingjay. **

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**Ch. 9**

"Do you know what they did to you?" It was a couple days after Sky had come and visited me. Her eyes were wide when she left me because the doctors had told her to. She was the only person I had left that actually knew my family.

Now, I feel as if I had controlled the monster inside of me. I've thought about Katniss and the only thing that registers is disbelief that I could ever trust her. I had remembered few things, but I knew she did not treat me the best.

My doctor stood before me with a couple of new, young doctors standing beside him. I had a feeling this would be more than just my daily check up. An explanation is what he had told me before he walked in. I needed one of those.

"Changed me." I answer his question. I didn't know how they did it; I just knew they did. I was different. It was irreparable.

"Yes. In a very cruel way. They injected Tracker Jacker venom into your bloodstream and showed you things that happened to you when Katniss was there. Adding fear to the whole situation. They made you fear her." The last sentence is heavy. Part of me remembers what it was like loving her. I remember adoring her, I remember wanting to do anything and everything for her. And in a deep dark memory I remember wanting to die for her; on multiple accounts.

But now I just did not understand all of that.

I take a gulp. I just wanted my family and my home. I wanted to close my eyes and wake up to the smell of bread and Marcus shaking me awake and Mom yelling at us to come down. Was that too much to ask for?

"Peeta, we understand this is very hard to take in. I mean you're in a foreign place, surrounded by people you've never met, confused on the events of the past weeks. It would be hard for anyone." He pauses and looks at me as if it would take me a while to catch up. I nod for him to continue. "We were wondering if you would watch a video of Katniss? Nothing intimidating. Just her singing. See if it brings up any good, real memories."

_Real_ memories. All the others were fake, and they were just hoping I would become the old me. In all honesty I was hoping for that too. I might as well play along, if they think it will work. Maybe it will.

"I'm ready." I say. One of the young students walks to the small TV up in the corner of my room. She turns it on and after she pushes a few buttons I see Katniss.

Really, the doctor was right, there was nothing intimidating about it. She stands in the trees of home, away from the damage that the bombs had brought. At least part of it was still beautiful.

She sings a song. It's familiar and partially morbid, talking about coming to the hanging tree. But there was nothing wrong with her voice, if you weren't looking at her scratched up face or her dull grey eyes it would be a thing of beauty. I couldn't deny that. Even the birds were stopping to listen.

With that I'm thrown back. Standing outside the bakery as a little boy watching as people come in and out. It was a busy day with the sun shining and children laughing. I lived for days like these. A tall man with dark coal covering his face walks up. Humming the tune that Katniss sang on the video. His voice was just as perfect as hers. It takes me awhile to realize that this indeed is Katniss's father.

"Lovely day, Peeta." He says to me as he walks into the bakery. His voice had the same affect. Before he had stopped to talk to me, all the birds around us were sitting still and listening to him.

"Did that remind you of anything?" The television is off now and all the doctors look at me expectantly.

"Just, I remember her dad singing it outside the bakery when I was a boy. That's all. Nothing else." I might have remembered more if I hadn't been focusing on that one thing. Her dad's voice held me.

"Are you sure?" He looks as at me as if I am holding something back. I wish I had more to share with him, I just don't.

"I'm sure." Then, so they would leave I close my eyes and say, "I need sleep." And sure enough I hear them shuffle out of the room and the door close behind them.

With that click something else clicks in my mind. I'm not sure why it came, or why the Capitol never played with these memories, but here they were staring me down until I take a moment to think about them.

I'm in the Games, the last ones, in a thick jungle with hot air and sticky sweat. I see something explode over-head and a giant claw grabs me. Then it's days later. I'm in a dark cell a tall guard stands over me, interrogating me.

"You knew nothing? Nothing? I find that hard to believe considering Haymitch had a big part in it. He's honest with you isn't he?" He keeps asking and getting in my face knowing full well that I did in fact know nothing. I feel the same fear I did in those first weeks in the Capitol. But with these knew memories I knew I did have to talk to someone.

"Hey is someone there?" I yell out into the empty air knowing full well that someone is monitoring me.

"Yes, Peeta." Someone answers. If I took time to think about it I would realize that people are nice to me, but I didn't have enough time to think about such things.

"Can I talk to Haymitch tomorrow?" I ask. I had to talk to him. He needed to know that part of this, of who I've become, is on him. He needs to take responsibility.

"Of course, Mr. Mellark. Sleep well."

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**I've been meaning to say this for awhile now, but I'm so excited for Jennifer Lawrence! She got an Oscar nomination! And She won a Golden Globe last night! She's an amazing idol and I adore her. Any other Jen lovers here?**

**Don't forget to REVIEW on the way out! Thanks! ~boywithbreadlover**


	10. Chapter 10

**Here's the next chapter! Enjoy! I do not own Mockingjay.**

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**Ch. 10**

I didn't dream in my sleep. Not one mention of the scary world that was my life or a visit from my dead family. I guess it shows progress. That's what my doctor said anyways when I told him about it. He said that the venom is almost completely out of my system and that I should expect more freedom in the weeks to come.

It had already started; I didn't have restraints anymore. Well at least when I was in the room by myself. Once some one came in they were fastened back on, they weren't ready to be choked out like I had done to a certain someone before.

I did feel change and more control over my thoughts. I didn't specifically think of Katniss as a mutt anymore. I more thought of her as someone I never should have given my heart to. She hurt me; I knew that. She hurt me a lot. I remember the months after the first Games in little pieces. The nightmares, the hours of painting, the loneliness. Everything she had done to me was irreparable.

I do remember, that night we were coming home. When the train had stopped and we went on a walk. I do partially remember my feelings when she had told me. Feeling as if I had been trampled on by a million elephants. I took her back even though she had done that to me. I must've loved her a lot.

"Peeta? Haymitch is here. Are you ready?" One of the doctors walks in and begins to strap me back into my restraints.

"Yeah." I say to him and wait for him to leave so my mentor can come in. "Hey?" I call out before he leaves.

"Yes, Mr. Mellark?" He turns back around to face me.

"Can you tell them to give us privacy?" He looks at me like an innocent child. Of course they'd never give me privacy. I was too dangerous. "Please? I won't hurt him. I just, for one second I don't want to be watched." I know it won't happen, but I had to try.

"I'll ask." He tries to look hopeful, but I know and he knows, it's not going to happen. He leaves and a couple seconds later I watch my alcoholic mentor walk in. This time though, contradicting so many of my distorted memories, he isn't drunk. I wonder if I had made that part up or if maybe he's changing.

"Peeta." He says in a greeting and drops down into the chair beside my bed. "To what do I owe the pleasure?"

"Part of this is your fault." I didn't want to beat around the bush. I wanted to get right down to it. He doesn't look surprised that I say it. His expression stays placid as he stares straight ahead. Not at me or even near me, just out the double sided mirror as if he could see the doctors behind it.

"I know. But not really. I didn't decide all of it." He still doesn't look at me and for a second I think of him as a coward. A down right coward, but I know he's not. Deep down inside of me I know this man sitting before me is nowhere near being a coward.

"You could have told me. I could have stayed with her. It didn't have to happen like this. Just take responsibility." I try to sit up farther to prove my point, but the restrains hold me back.

He looks apologetic for a second, but then anger crosses his face and that's when he looks at me, "You think I haven't? You think I don't go around each day feeling horrible because I didn't do my job? Listen, boy, I feel horrible. I made a promise to myself that I would die before the Capitol did any type of this thing to you or Katniss! It makes me sick and I see you and her and I can't…" The anger empties from his mouth with each and every word until finally he can't find it in him to speak anymore. "Peeta. I know. Was there anything else?" He begins to get up, but I want him to stay longer.

"How long did you know about the plan?" I ask. Completely curious, maybe things might be different if I had known.

"Long enough." He lets out.

"How's Annie? Johanna?" I ask. I do remember the weekly meetings we would have together. I wonder if Annie finally got back to Finnick.

"They're fine. Better than you. Annie and Finnick are getting married soon actually." He says. I don't say anything after that and after a while Haymitch gets up and leaves. It was nice having somebody that wasn't a doctor to talk to, but I felt as if he was a complete stranger.

It's probably an hour later when I hear the doctor talking to me through the speaker system. "Peeta. Delly Cartwright is here. She wants to talk to you and she wants to show you something."

A few seconds later Delly walks through the door a huge painting in her hands and her coarse blonde hair down at her shoulders, but she doesn't hold my attention for long. The painting is familiar and I know my hand did it.

It shows a girl with a brown braid falling down her back and man holding her hand with strong arms. The couple was strong no doubt, and it took both of them to stay whole. In front of them children play in a field with the sun shining bright in the distance. The painting shows hope, love, compassion, everything that I would wish for in a perfect life.

If you look close enough you can see that the man has half of his head blonde and the other brown. I wonder why I would do such a thing and what I was thinking as I painted this masterpiece.

"You told me to save it for you." Says Delly as I try to take the whole painting in at once, "So, I did."

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**If you didn't read Rekindled Fire, that painting was part of it. So, yeah... **

**Don't forget to REVIEW on the way out! Thanks! ~boywithbreadlover**


	11. Chapter 11

**Here's the next chapter! Enjoy! I do not own Mockingjay. **

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**Ch. 11**

Delly starts to get nervous when I don't say anything right away. Her weight shifts one way, then the other, and the painting tips back and forth as if it were a boat on a long voyage. Really I don't say anything because I'm hoping that maybe, that painting can take me back to what I used to be.

I can see all the emotion that I put into and the work that was done, but I don't see the point of it. If you look closely you can see burn marks here and there. I realize that she, Delly Cartwright, carried this huge painting while running from the bombs. Whatever the reason, this painting had been important to me. Delly saw that. She was a good friend. I just wish I knew why it was such a big deal.

"Explain it." I say. The first words I had uttered to her since she had walked in. I would tell her later that I appreciated her greatly, but right now when memories were precious I just wanted to know.

"Explain what?" She dares to take a few steps closer to me, but even with that she was still a ways away. The painting closer, I realize how much detail was put into. The flowers looked real and the way the sun fell on the people made it look as if it were a photograph, not by any means a painting.

"Explain the painting and why you risked your life to keep it. Why it was so important to me, that you _had_ to grab it." More words, this time more in depth. Showing how deeply I yearned to know the kind of person I was. There were few people that truly did. The most of them were dead, one of them I couldn't stand, and the other felt guilty every time he looked at me. But here Delly was, she knew me. I had to take advantage of that while I could.

"It was your dream." She steps close enough to sit in the chair. She props the painting up against my bedside table. I have to strain my neck to see it, but I'm okay with that. I can't get enough of what I used to be. What I used to dream.

"You wanted peace. I mean everyone does, or humane people anyways, but you wanted it more than others. You wanted complete peace. Where people didn't have to worry about having children for fear of what might happen to them, where you can fall in love and not have to worry about dying, where you can live a full and complete life with out fear." The Delly I remember from school didn't speak like this, so deeply. But I did know another Delly, the one that visited me during a snowstorm, the one that comforted me. They are hard memories to remember, but I know they are in there.

"And you wanted it for her more than anything." She's slow with this sentence because our last meeting consisted of me yelling at her because of Katniss, but I can handle it now. Once she sees this she moves on. "You wanted that life with her. You lived for her smile. I saw it, in the way you looked at her, she was your life."

No one had been so honest with me about my love for Katniss. There had been little snippets, but not this. I liked it for a change, though I saw Katniss in a different light now. She no longer was my life.

"And one day, you painted this. You knew you couldn't have this," She gestures towards the life-size painting, "But at least the canvas could."

"She really broke me, didn't she?" I ask. I sounded like some lovesick puppy, trying my hardest for a love I never could have.

"That's the thing, Peeta, she loved you as much as you loved her. She just," She pauses not knowing what to say, "She was confused. Anybody would be."

"Don't make excuses for her. She broke the heart of what I used to be." Delly takes a gulp at the last sentence. It was a harsh reality that I wasn't the boy I used to be. That would be hard for anybody. "Go on. About the painting." I say, I didn't want the monster to come out; Delly had already seen enough of that.

"One day I accidentally found it and you told me all about it. Then when you were leaving, you wanted her to know that she could have a life with out you, so you made half the head dark. It represents Gale. You told me to give it to her, so when the bombing started I knew I had to grab it, because I promised you and I couldn't break that promise. I had one job and I was going to follow through." She's not looking at me, or really anything. She's back in the past, remembering the day she risked her life to keep a promise.

"Why didn't you?" I ask, stopping her before she goes on.

"Why didn't I what?" She looks confused.

"Give it to her? That was the rest of the promise. You kept it safe, but you never gave it to her." I say.

"Because, part of me held onto the idea that you would come back. And she was, she was like a ghost walking around here. She was dead to everyone, but herself. She did break you plenty of times, but with out you she was broken. I wasn't going to shove the painting in her face. It was already hard enough."

_The idea that I would come back._ I still wasn't back, it was as if I was back in the Capitol and they were all patiently waiting for their Peeta to come back. Little did they know, that he was long gone.

"Is she," I pause; I didn't really want to know about her. I could care less, but still. There was a part of me that wanted to know. "Is she…whole again?"

"No. She's been busying herself; she's off in District Two right now. Peeta, after what she's been through she'll never be whole again."

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**Sorry I haven't posted in a while! It's been a busy week. **

**Don't forget to REVIEW on the way out! Thanks! ~boywithbreadlover**


	12. Chapter 12

**Here's the next chapter! Enjoy! I do not own Mockingjay.**

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**Ch. 12**

The memory came just as Delly left. She said goodbye, carefully gave me a hug, picked up the painting, and the memory came flooding in.

Katniss sat outside in the rain; her head hung low, her body more sickly than anybody I had ever seen. She was starving. I remember feeling remorse for her and wanting to run out there and invite her in and keep her warm and our future could start right then and there. I remember thinking those things. I also remember not having the guts to do it.

I remember working out a plan in my head, so my mom wouldn't suspect a thing. I remember burning the bread, the slap across my face, the second of hesitation, and the sound the bread made as it hit the ground. I remember watching her run away, a new determination coming into her as she left.

But most of all, what stuck out the most, was the next day. I remember seeing her, feeling her stare boring into me. My friends were being obnoxious and calling for my attention and I knew they would follow my gaze if I looked over, so I just stared straight ahead. Then it was too much to handle, because she still stood there staring at me, waiting for me to be brave enough to just look at her.

When I finally did her eyes dropped and she bent down to pick up a dandelion. After that day I don't think I ever looked at her the same again. I think maybe, though I hate to admit it, I feel even more in love with her then.

"Can I speak to someone?" I call out into the emptiness knowing that someone will crackle over the speaker in a matter of seconds. I needed to talk to someone, anyone really.

"Of course, Peeta. You're doctor can come in a second, unless you want someone else?" I did want someone else; I just didn't quite know whom. I scramble in my head for a name, any name.

"Gale." Drops out of my mouth before I even think about it. The only memories I had of him were of me envying him, but I didn't need to anymore.

"Soldier Hawthorne will be here in a couple seconds." The voices crackles off and I'm left on my own as I wait for him to walk through. I wonder what he'll say. If he'll even come, after all I tried to kill his girlfriend. If that's what they were now.

It takes a while before I finally hear the knock on my door and he shuffles in reluctantly.

"What do you want?" He's mad at me even though I never said anything. And really I don't blame him, if we were fighting for the girl I was in the lead, before. But now, she was his, I don't see why he would still be mad at me.

"I wanted someone to talk to." I say. He looks confused after I say this. He has his hand on the doorknob, ready to leave as fast as he could.

"Now isn't a great time. We just got back for District Two." In the way he says this I know that something bad happened in Two, but I didn't really care about their war affairs. I did have some things I wanted to talk to him about.

"So." I say and wait for him to walk nearer towards me, but he doesn't.

"Things aren't great. And you won't make them any better." He begins to open the door and leave, but I don't want him to.

"Stop!" I call out, which grabs his attention. He turns around and walks to my bedside. He sits down, but I know he's ready to bolt when he can.

"What do you want? You won! Is that what you want? She's not mine, she's yours. Are you happy?" He looks really mad.

"I don't want her. You can have her. I wanted to say I was sorry. She never was mine to have and I don't want her at all any ways. She broke me." With that he's gone not another word. Something I said upset him and I realize the one person I should have talked to in the first place was Haymitch.

I ask them if he could come and they tell me that he'll be here soon. Sure enough he comes striding into my room, he looks much better than the last time I saw him.

"I want to paint again." It's the first thing I say to him, before he can even mutter a hello. I figured that if I asked the doctors they wouldn't let me, but if I asked Haymitch he would find a way.

"Okay." He answers as if he knew it was coming.

"Well, can I?" I ask waiting for him to answer.

"How do you feel about wedding cakes?" He asks.

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**Wow. Sorry this is such a short chapter. I really wanted to give one to you guys today, but I didn't have a bunch of inspiration. This probably isn't my best chapter, but how did you guys feel about the bit with Gale? Did you think it was unnecessary? Or did you like it?**

**Don't forget to REVIEW on the way out! Thanks! ~boywithbreadlover**


	13. Chapter 13

**Here's the next chapter! Enjoy! I do not own Mockingjay, any direct quotes will be in italics.**

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**Ch. 13**

The cake was nice to work on. They brought it too me, I could imagine them rolling it through the dark hallways and having the strange looks of everyone. I did a layer a day and it was completely freeing. Once I got started it was like I was back in District Twelve, in the bakery, my dad beside me, my mom helping customers, and the sun shining in the window.

For the few hours that the cake was in my room I could forget. I could forget where I was, what had happened to me. I even occasionally forgot Katniss, and Haymitch, and Delly. It was just me with my brush and a cake and my sanity.

The cake was finished and it was the day of the wedding and they told me I couldn't go to the wedding. Which I was sad about, I wanted to see the crowd's reaction. Most importantly I wanted to see Katniss's. I asked Haymitch if I could talk to her, he told me he'd think about it. It would just be a day of waiting.

I was hoping since the wedding was going on I wouldn't have people watching me, but every few minutes a person would check in on me. I never got any privacy, which I guess was for the best, but I wasn't going to become sane by them just looking at me.

"Peeta, Katniss is here." When they said it something ran through me. Not happiness or remorse, something I've never felt before. It's not that I was overjoyed to see her, part of me just had to see her. I could barely remember who she really was because they said that everything I remembered of her was a lie. I hadn't told them about the bread.

"Okay." I answer and wait for the door to open and her to walk in and part of me hopes my old self will come out. She seemed to be the only one that could do it. She couldn't really now though, I guess. I saw her in a new light; she was at the center of my pain. She caused all of this.

She comes in quickly and stops short. She looks at me hesitantly, fearfully. She was small, not the monster my mind had told me she would be. She looked scared, but not because she was here with me, she seemed to have looked scared all the time. She had no hope in her dull grey eyes. She wasn't the girl I remembered loving, she wasn't, couldn't be, the girl that broke my heart.

She finds it in her, somehow to walk closer to me. I wish we could have a normal conversation. A table between us, my body unrestrained, and just let her know what I really thought of her. Let her know that she broke me that she caused this that I didn't love her like the old me did.

"_Hey." _She mutters, entering into rough waters. The last time we met I nearly killed her. She was brave to come back. I could admire that, though not for long.

"_Hey." _I answer. She shifts uncomfortably at my voice, I wasn't the boy she used to see, or hear. I was new and it made her sad, I saw it in her eyes when I uttered that one word. If she had hope coming in today, she didn't anymore.

"_Haymitch said you wanted to talk to me." _She says.

"_Look at you, for starters." _That's just what I do. I let my eyes wander over her and wait for the old me to come out. For some memory to pop out, for some inkling of the love I had come back. But there's nothing.

She isn't pretty or outgoing and doesn't look at me, as a lover should. If she really did love me, where did that love go?

"_You're not very big, are you? Or particularly pretty?" _She wasn't mutt like at all; I can't believe I ever actually thought that. But she was dangerous, I knew that.

"_Well, you've looked better." _There, right there. Here I was lying on a hospital bed, restrained because no one actually trusted me, and completely broken. She finds it in her to put me down. I don't see what I ever saw in this girl, she wasn't nice at all.

"_And not even remotely nice. To say that to me after all I've been through." _Her face contorts with regret. Not because of what she said, no, for something else. I just can't quite put my finger on it.

"_Yeah. We've all been through a lot. And you're the one who was known for being nice. Not me."_ She looks at me with sorrow. I wasn't that guy any more; I couldn't be head over heels for this girl that didn't even seem to care for me. She always leaned back on me. She trusted me to be the nice one, I wasn't supposed to insult her. I was supposed to love her and chase after her and only praise her, but that wasn't me. Not anymore.

And I wanted to scream, I wanted to jump out of this hospital bed and run away from here and everyone that told me who I used to be. I couldn't help that I was not that guy any more. It angered me more than anything, I wanted to be that guy, I wanted to be the old me, but I couldn't. I just couldn't.

I contain myself as she looks at the door. She couldn't handle this, neither of us could. But still part of me wanted her to stay. A little voice was screaming for her to just be there. I guess he still was alive; the monster had just given him an irreparable injury. I tell myself it's because I need to set things straight, because I remember things. Confusing things.

I remember the games, the tracker jackers, the cave, the train home. It was all contradictory. I wanted to know the truth. So when she mumbles some stupid excuse about not feeling well I have to call her back. I have to know what's real and what's not. I'm tired of wondering.

"_Katniss," _I say just as she's reached the door. She pauses, giving me one second, that's all I have, "_I remember about the bread." _

That makes her stop, makes her want to talk to the broken, not me, me. "_They showed you the video of me talking abut it." _She sounds betrayed as she says that, but they hadn't showed me the video. It just came to me.

"_No. Is there a tape of you talking about it? Why didn't the Capitol use it against me?" _I ask. That way my memories before the Games would be messed up to, and I would have no actual grip on my life that I used to live. I'm thankful they didn't have it.

"_I made it the day you were rescued." _Something inside of her breaks as I watch her slightly curve in, something was painful. I had a feeling it wasn't physical. "_So what do you remember?" _She asks, bringing the attention away from her broken mentality. I don't think she knows that I noticed it.

"_You. In the rain. Digging through our trash bins. Burning the bread. My mother hitting me. Taking the bread out for the pigs but then giving it to you instead." _She looks confused as I say these words. They must have told her I didn't remember anything, that might've made her feel better, but I did. I did remember, and still I did not love her.

"_That's it. That's what happened. The next day, after school, I wanted to thank you. But I didn't know how." _She says, a sorrowful edge coming into her voice. Maybe she did love me; she just showed it in different ways. I still couldn't respect her; after all she had done to me.

"_We were outside at the end of the day. I tried to catch your eye. You looked away. And then…for some reason, I think you picked a dandelion."_ She nods. I go on. "_I must've loved you a lot." _I say, wanting to see her reaction more than anything.

I see her hold back the tears that start to pool up in her eyes as she says, "_You did." _With a broken voice. I might've felt sorry that I didn't feel that love anymore, if I hadn't seen her for what she really was.

"_And did you love me?"_ I wanted a real whole answer.

"_Everyone says I did. Everyone says that's why Snow had you tortured. To break me." _In these moments I wanted complete honesty, but I'm starting to wonder if she even knew herself.

"_That's not an answer. I don't know what to think when they show me some of the tapes. In that first arena, it looked like you tried to kill me with those tracker jackers." _Part of my days were spent watching, reliving, my past games, to show me that Katniss really was no danger, but she kind of was.

"_I was trying to kill all of you. You had me treed." _She thought of herself in that moment, she was selfish. I could have died.

"_Later, there's a lot of kissing. Didn't seem very genuine on your part. Did you like kissing me?" _She shifts uncomfortably.

"_Sometimes. You know people are watching now." _She tries to change the subject. Of course I knew, they weren't very secretive about it.

"_I know," _then because I didn't want to change the subject. Because I wanted her to see what she had done to me, I go on, "_What about Gale?" _

_ "He's not a bad kisser either." _

_ "And it was okay with both of us? You kissing the other?" _I ask. I knew the answer all to well, but I wanted her to see why I couldn't love her anymore. It was virtually impossible.

"_No. It wasn't okay with either of you. But I wasn't asking your permission." _

I laugh. Did she see how cold of a person she was? "_Well, you're a piece of work, aren't you?" _I ask.

That's what makes her leave; with out another word she was out the door. I had shown her who she really was and she didn't like it. Not one bit.

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**Wowzer! That was the longest chapter yet! I guess it was to make up for the short one yesterday!**

**Don't forget to REVIEW on the way out! Thanks! ~boywithbreadlover**


	14. Chapter 14

**Here's the next chapter! Enjoy! I do not own Mockingjay.**

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**Ch. 14**

I wake up to the doctors checking my vitals. My dream was strange and it was more memories than anything. In it I felt like my old self. I loved Katniss; I saw somehow, how she loved me. I didn't care that she had broken me because I realized that love is seeing those flaws and accepting them. But mostly I remember being ready to die for her.

When I woke up, I did not love her anymore, I did not care for her anymore, I was not ready to die anymore, but I do remember the feelings. So when the doctor asks, "Remember anything, Peeta?"

I answer, "Yeah." And he sits down and pulls out a notebook and I prepare myself to talk. It's not that I want to, it's that I need to, because I know that if I want to come anywhere close to my old self I will have to try and remember.

"What is it Peeta?" The doctor asks. I still did not know his name and he didn't tell me anymore, I never really had to call for him anyway. If I were having an attack he would just run in. I know he was trying to help me, but it's hard to trust people you don't know after being tortured by strangers for such a long time.

"I remember wanting to die for her." I say. He looks up surprisingly and scribbles down in his notebook. He holds up his finger for me to stop and leaves the room. I know he'll be back soon, but in those moments that he was gone I almost felt abandoned.

He walks back in with Haymitch behind him. They take their seats and stare at me expectantly except I'm frozen for words. I don't know what to say; now that Haymitch is here I've lost my thoughts.

"Peeta?" He asks and I just look at him. "You said you remembered." Haymitch says. His voice is almost soothing, like a caretaker, nothing I'd ever expect from Haymitch. I've realized, lately, that the old me never really saw my loved ones for what they really were. I never really gave Haymitch a chance. If I could make it through with out liquor then why couldn't he? It's came to me that his pain cuts deeper than mine, that Haymitch was a gentle soul forced to kill, the two parts of him constantly fighting for attention and the alcohol drowning them both out.

Thinking this through I remember the words I wanted to say and come to my senses. "I remember wanting to die for her." I say again. I want to choose my words wisely. "I remember making the promise to myself on the train. I remember being in love with her before I even knew her. I remember wanting to die for her." I say again, only for emphasis. My doctor scribbles furiously on his notepad and Haymitch stares straight ahead.

I want them to say something because I don't want to feel like I'm talking to nothingness. For all I know Haymitch could be in a totally different time right now and the doctor could be scribbling something up for another patient. I wanted some acknowledgement.

Haymitch comes out of his daze when I don't say anything else for a while and he looks at me. Almost as if he recognized me, as if I were back to my old self. "I remember too, Peeta." He sighs and gestures for me to go on.

"Sometimes I think I still am." I let it out, because part of me did. It's not really that I wanted to die for her. It's that I wanted to die so that everyone else could go on with his or her lives. I saw the way she looked at me yesterday, with such loss and pain. And I was the cause of all of it. With Haymitch too, he was so detached when he came in here. I felt that if I died, everything might be okay with them.

"It's not what you think. It's just I feel like a problem not a solution and I know bringing me here, rescuing me, was supposed to be a solution. If I die, you'll have your solution. You won't have to deal with anymore." The doctor has stopped writing and he stares directly at me and Haymitch has come completely out of his daze.

"Over my dead body." Says Haymitch. I wonder why he was still so protective of me, and even in my memories he wasn't this protective.

"All I do is cause problems! And no one wants to talk to me because I might go crazy! And I'm not him! I'm not! And everyone wants me to be, but I'm not! I'm not! And I just want to die because if I don't I'll just keep disappointing you. I don't want to live in this hospital bed for the rest of my life." I felt like crying, but the tears wouldn't come.

"Peeta, you're not a problem." The doctor says in his calming voice that never really calms me.

Haymitch takes a different approach. "Yes, Peeta you were supposed to be the solution. We were supposed to rescue you and the night you came back you were supposed to fall in love with Katniss all over again. And through you two maybe we could see that there is hope. But no. You know why? Because Snow calls the shots. He. Always. Calls. The. Shots. And he didn't want us to have hope. And if you die, he'd still be calling the shots because Katniss would die right along with you." I flinch at the last sentence.

"Think she doesn't care anymore?" He let's out a low laugh and leaves with that question hanging in the air and it's just me and my doctor and the words that were just shared between Haymitch and I.

The doctor goes on, "Peeta, we're thinking about starting to move you out of here…" I stop thinking about his words and try to think about Haymitch's

She would die right along with me. What did he mean? That question would stick with me for the rest of the week, maybe even months. The girl I saw yesterday, didn't seem to car, but maybe, maybe she did. Maybe she just didn't show it the way I needed her to.

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**Oh my goodness! I'm sorry guys! I didn't mean to not write this whole week, but I**'**ve been busy! So sorry. This chapter was emotional for me to write because it shows how Peeta reacts to the way people act around him. Not gonna lie, I was almost crying while writing it, maybe I'm just a bit emotional tonight...**

**Don't forget to REVIEW on the way out! Thanks! ~boywithbreadlover**


	15. Chapter 15

**Here's the next chapter! Enjoy! I do not own Mockingjay.**

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**Ch. 15**

They're letting me leave the room. The doctor told me about it last night, as I was about to sleep. He said that I would be allowed to go to the dining hall and eat lunch with everybody. I wasn't quite sure who everybody was. Delly was the only one that visited, every afternoon with out fail, and Sky only came every so often. I would much rather have them come meet me here than see all the looks that people are sure to give me, but he said it's part of my growth.

Pretty soon, he had said, I would have my own room. I wouldn't be watched 24/7 and I wouldn't have to be restrained whenever I talked to someone. I was kind of excited about that, but parts of me were scared. Like what if I have a freak out and I go kill someone. I wouldn't put it past the monster living inside of me. The old me had done it as well. I didn't forget the people that died at my hands; I don't think any human mortally could.

It's almost time for lunch, I can feel it by the grumbling in my stomach, and I feel giddy, like a kid going to school on the first day. I hadn't walked much, only around the perimeter of this room and my muscles were weak. I questioned if I would even be able to walk to the cafeteria.

My doctor walks in with two burly men behind him, I realize they're my bodyguards or more the bodyguards of other people to keep them protected from me. "Peeta. There are some ground rules. But after I explain, you get to leave this room!" He smiles encouragingly at me.

"So, what are the rules?" I ask.

"You have to wear these cuffs," He holds up thick silver cuffs with a chain long enough to where I could do things, but not anything crazy. "If something happens, then a tranquilizer will be shot in through these."

"Something happens? Like I start to strangle Katniss?" My words are calm as if on a daily basis I would do it and the doctor looks startled. So many leaps and bounds and yet there was still that monster, he knew it was there, I knew it was there, maybe even Katniss knew it was there. The tranquilizer ensured safety, but not for my mental health.

"Yes, but Peeta we're letting you go out there because we know it won't happen. It's just better to be safe than sorry." My dad used to say that when my mom asked him why he was baking so much bread. He would reply in his kind, quiet tone that exact same saying. It's amazing how much I saw of my family in random people. They were everywhere.

"Also, ask to sit down at a table." He says and walks towards me to but the cuffs around my wrists.

"Why? Because no one really wants to sit next to the crazy hijacked one?" My doctor's face doesn't change at all because it was the truth. If I just sat down people wouldn't be brave enough to tell me to move and they would be too scared to eat.

"Just to ensure manners." He answers with a smile. He helps me up out of the bed and before I know it I'm walking the halls down to the dining hall.

The guards don't talk and neither do I. I actually feel nervous and talking to strangers won't make it any better. We make it there and the door stands wide open and I see them sitting there. Katniss, Gale, Finnick, Annie, Johanna, and yes, Delly. That was the only table I could sit at, the only people I knew that were here, sat at that table. They eat in good spirits, they do not know that within a matter of seconds I will be there before them asking them if I could sit down.

I wonder how they'll react, with surprise, with hatred, with happiness. It could go anyway and I think that is what made me the most worried. I see the guards shuffle uneasily as I stand outside the door waiting to go in. Katniss doesn't look as lost as she did the day she came to see me and she almost looks as if she has hope.

I finally find it in me to walk forward; I think it's the smell of stew. I get my food and balance the tray on my fingertips and walk carefully to the table. They don't notice me, which I silently am happy about. It gives me a chance to compose my self. They're all looking at Finnick.

"So, the sea turtle…" I stop listening and look at Katniss. I hear Haymitch in my head, _think she doesn't care anymore? _And honestly, looking at her, I really think she did care. I'm not sure how I noticed it or even why I felt that way, but I did. She was trying, I saw it in her frazzled hair and tired eyes, she was broken, I saw it in the way she moved, ever so carefully, she cared, I saw it in her careful eyes.

But the thing was, I couldn't appreciate it for long because me now didn't love her. I couldn't appreciate her caring like I could before the hijacking. Sure, I could admire the fact, that maybe; maybe she realized she loved me. I could admire the fact that she was trying to move on, seeing that I was no longer hers. I could admire the fact that she was fighting for a better tomorrow. But I couldn't love her anymore than I did a second ago. What's done is done.

That's when she sees me and her eyes go wide and she somewhat chokes on her food and seconds later Delly sees me. I'm not sure how this lunch will go, but I go into it with a new mindset, if Katniss could look for a better tomorrow then so could I.

So could I.

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**Sorry for not posting! I guess I just needed a little break, I really don't know why, but I just did not feel like writing. That's bad, I know. Hopefully I'll be back in my old routine now...**

**Don't forget to REVIEW on the way out! Thanks! ~boywithbreadlover**


	16. Chapter 16

**Here's the next chapter! Enjoy! I do not own Mockingjay, any direct quotes will be in italics.**

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**Ch. 16**

"_Peeta!"_ Delly says in her overly excited voice. I hadn't heard much of that voice while in my room. It was constantly me telling her why I shouldn't love Katniss and her speaking back with a level calm voice about why I should at least feel something for her. I admired Delly. I heard she lost her father in the bombings a couple days back, she was stronger than what anybody saw in her.

Her enthusiasm hid things that take awhile to uncover. Delly Cartwright was a better person than I could ever become. Sure, she had a couple extra pounds and her face always had a couple zits on it and her hair could be styled in better ways, but that didn't matter. Delly Cartwright was slowly turning me, into me again. At least she'd be here to brave this lunch with me.

"_It's so nice to see you out…and about." _She says, trying to put a positive spin on this. All the others look worried as if I'd transform into a giant mutt and attack them. I couldn't put it past them I had already done that before.

"_What's with the fancy bracelets?"_ says Johanna, who other than Delly was composed the fastest. She had seen almost everything I had seen in the Capitol. She had experienced torture almost as bad as mine. Nothing could phase Johanna, not even a crazy guy walking free.

"_I'm not quite trustworthy yet. I can't even sit here with out permission." _I say, my voice soaking in annoyance.

"_Sure he can sit here. We're old friends." _Says Johanna. I remember the weekly 'meetings' that we had and Annie was there too. We never talked much, but we were there for each other, that does something, creates a bond that can't be broken. I could not say a word to Johanna for the rest of my life and yet we would still be connected.

I take a seat when my guards give me approval. "_Peeta and I had adjoining cells in the Capitol." _Says Johanna, "_We're familiar with each other's screams." _The sentence might make un-tortured people flinch because it's so blunt, but it's the cold hard truth. I could tell you if it was Johanna screaming from miles away, I heard her each and every day.

The sentence makes Annie leave reality, which was normal. Whenever Johanna and I ventured to tell her the truth she would cover her ears like she is doing now, close her eyes, and forget everything else. It was just Annie, in her mind, trying to control the demons.

I hadn't seen Finnick and Annie together, but he did look like he loved her. I felt like I should be the one to protect Annie though. A small part of me wants to go over to her and comfort her as Finnick does now, but something stops me. The others don't know how close Johanna, Annie, and I really are, and I want to keep it that way. Some part of me that they don't have to know. The information was mine and they didn't need to know it.

It's an awkward silence as we wait for Annie to come back to our world. Katniss avoids my eyes at all costs and Delly looks nervous as she searches for something to say. Gale has kicked back in his chair, he doesn't look happy, but I'm not sure if he ever really does.

Slowly, carefully, Annie comes back to us. It's really actually selfish for us wanting her to be in our world all the time. It must be nicer in her world or else she wouldn't keep going back there. I wish I had another world to go to; maybe then I wouldn't be so lost. We call Annie the crazy one, but maybe we are for trying to conform to the world around us.

"_Annie, did you know it was Peeta who decorated your wedding cake? Back home, his family ran the bakery and he did all the icing." _Delly's voice is happy as if she didn't just witness the world of a crazy person.

Annie moves her head carefully to look at me. She really was beautiful. Her brown hair fell on her shoulders carefully and her bright eyes matched her tan face, she was pretty with out really even trying.

"_Thank you, Peeta. It was beautiful."_ Her words are chosen carefully as if her own voice could take her back into her world.

"_My pleasure, Annie,"_ I say. I could imagine a life with her. It was all too easy. We could be crazy together and our children would be the ones to take care of us more than us taking care of them, but it would be okay because there would be love. It would be hard at times, but we would have each other. She was already taken though by a man that loved her, it was clear. But it bothered me that I couldn't have her.

Finnick says something to Annie that I miss and they begin to get up, "_Good seeing you, Peeta." _Says Finnick. Finnick is a good guy, I remember it. He is strong and caring, but something about him rubs me the wrong way. I can't trust him. Not with Annie, he doesn't understand what she's been through, not one bit.

"_You be nice to her, Finnick. Or might try to take her away from you."_ I say, in all perfect honesty.

"_Oh, Peeta. Don't make me sorry I restarted your heart." _He flashes his winning smile at the table and then leaves with Annie by his side.

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**Guys, I love Finnick. He is truly one of the best characters in this series next to Peeta. He is so, amazingly awesome and I love him. That is all. **

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	17. Chapter 17

**Here's the next chapter! Enjoy! I do not own Mockingjay, any direct quotes will be in italics.**

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**Ch. 17**

"_He did save your life Peeta." _Says Delly, pause a second, "_More than once."_ She did this with me a lot as if she were the mother; I was the young boy. Although she was a much kinder and nicer version of my mother, she used the same voice when trying to teach me a lesson.

I didn't like feeling like a child though, because I wasn't. At least not in the experiences I had been through. I have had to face death more than a person my age should have to. I had seen things people should never have to see. I had done things that went against the unspoken laws of humanity. But so had everyone else in Panem. That wasn't a very good thing to rely on. Still I did not want my words, my thoughts, to be looked down upon. I deserved my opinion even if it was altered by the Capitol.

"_For her." _I look at Katniss, trying so hard not to look at me, but failing time in and time out. "_For the rebellion. Not for me. I don't owe him anything." _

In the multitudes of hours that I had by myself, I thought about that kind of stuff a lot. Did I really owe anyone anything? Katniss almost eating the berries was not done because she couldn't imagine her life without me. We both knew that. In a round bout way maybe, but not directly. She couldn't live with the thought that I had died, but she could live without me. She knew and I knew, she did it to get home to her sister without being a bad person. She knew the outcome. She knew they wouldn't let us eat the berries. She knew and it wasn't for love.

Then Finnick, yes he saved my life, but it was because he was told to. Can I really look at him as a good guy, if him saving my life had motives behind it? Could I really trust him with the fragile and lost Annie if he had motives all the time? I couldn't trust Katniss or Haymitch or Gale or Finnick, the only person I really could trust was Delly who is always urging me to trust the people I can't.

"_Maybe not." _Katniss speaks up. Finnick was her friend, everyone was his friend, and she couldn't take the hijacked Peeta speaking down on him. "_But Mags is dead and you're still here. That should count for something." _And it should, but she would have died anyways. And things happen for some sort of reason, Mags died for a cause, the rebellion. There was no question behind her dying and me living, but there were other things. Other memories that made no sense.

"_Yeah, a lot of things should count for something that don't seem to, Katniss. I've got some memories I can't make sense of, and I don't think the Capitol touched them. A lot of nights on the train, for instance." _Was her sleeping in my arms a sick game or an actual need? I know, parts of me anyway, that I needed it. It was part of my healing. But for her was it just some way to play with my heart some more? It didn't seem like much longer after that, I saw her kiss an ailing Gale. She couldn't have had done that without a clear conscious.

She just looks at me and doesn't say anything else. I hear Delly in my head, "She's was just confused." Is that still the case? I see Gale sitting next to her, they aren't touching, but you can tell that he is protecting her. If I were to lung I would find his skin and not hers. He loves her; does she love him? Had she ever loved anyone, but Prim, the young girl that, in a way, started this all?

"_So, are you two officially a couple now, or are they still dragging out the star-crossed lovers thing?" _I would have expected them to stop; after all it was the right thing to do. There was no chance that we were ever getting back together, not after I tried to kill her.

"_Still dragging." _I get the unexpected answer from Johanna, who never held back on what she said. I don't expect the anger to come either, but it does. The monster starts to come out, and slowly I try to control it. My hands try to do things I don't want to, they thirst for the grip of someone else's neck, but I won't give them that pleasure.

They stare at me shell-shocked. Well not Johanna, maybe she expected this from me, maybe she knew this was coming. Delly had experienced it before and still she looks worried maybe it's because the center of my monster is Katniss. Katniss is in whole the reason my monster comes out. And there she was, sitting across the table from me. A few feet away.

"_I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen it myself." _Says Gale, harshly, with a hate, that maybe the monster deserved, but not me, the boy trying to contain the monster with all he has.

"_What's that?"_ I ask. I've learned that talking over the monster seems to make him go away faster.

"_You." _Gale says, his voice flat. He had already seen me, that one time I had talked to him for no more than two minutes.

"_You'll have to be more specific. What about me?" _I ask.

"_That they're replaced you with the evil-mutt version of yourself." _Says Johanna.

I'm not going to pretend like it didn't hurt because it did. Even all this time knowing that I wasn't me anymore. And telling people that they can't have me back and even saying they could kill me so that they could have their solution. But to hear them say it, to hear them tell me that I was a mutt, to see their faces as they got up and left. It hurt, it did.

I wasn't Peeta anymore, but I was human. I did have feelings, even when the monster in me told me not to.

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**Wow, sorry guys. I have been horrible, but I've gotten some recent inspiration and I'm excited for what's to come! Also, thinking about doing a five chapter fic after I finish this one that is pre-prolouge in Mockingjay. It would be really short, but...Tell me what you think!**

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	18. Chapter 18

**Here's the next chapter! Enjoy! I do not own Mockingjay.**

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**Ch. 18**

Delly looks at me, then Johanna, the guards, and then back at me. I turn silently to watch Katniss leave, Gale close to her, still protecting her. And that's when Delly blows. She looks overly mad at me and I've never seen her so livid and passionate.

"You had a chance! A chance to show them that you could do this, that you could leave and you… you blow it!" She says angrily her voice getting even higher than her normal voice, which is already high as it is.

I see Johanna smile beside me and lean back as if this were a funny comedy that she was watching. "Peeta! They have been nothing, but good to you! Especially Finnick, who actually does care about you, contrary to what you may believe. You act like you're the victim, but so is Katniss and Finnick and her!" She points her finger angrily towards Johanna who does nothing, but stare at it as if it were the truest thing she'd ever seen.

I never heard Delly be so honest, so straight forward with the words she would say to me. It always started with 'Oh Peeta,' or 'Peeta, you have to see it this way'. Never with her voice raised, her face red, her hands moving along with each of her words. And to say the least it scared me and didn't help with the monster inside of me, and the hardest part was, her words were true.

I wasn't the only victim and I did act like I was. I knew it wasn't right, but I was the one that was bleeding the most wasn't I? My whole life, my whole personality, my whole being, was ripped from my hands with out my consent. _But, _another voice argues.

But, so were the others. Katniss wasn't the same person she was before the Games, even I, crazy and broken, could recognize that. Gale had turned from the boy that dared to leave his district to the boy that dared to go against his leaders. Finnick fell in love with a crazy girl that couldn't be helped. None of their lives were ideal. _But,_ the voice before screams back.

But, they were free. Finnick didn't have to love Annie. Katniss didn't have to become a war martyr. Gale didn't have to become a soldier. They chose to be where they are and I didn't. I didn't choose this. I didn't choose one little piece of it because if I had a choice I would be back home in District Twelve, baking cakes with my dad and Marcus on Saturdays. I wouldn't have to worry about whether I was pleasing my doctors, whether I was scaring the people around me, I wouldn't have to worry about much other than what my mom might say if I accidentally burn something.

It takes a while for me to realize that I say most of this argument out loud, though it was gibberish, it made me sound like a straight out crazy person. Which I was, but they thought, maybe I had moved on from this type of thing.

"Peeta?" Delly looks at me concerned, but her face is still flushed red with anger. She wasn't done with me yet, if she had a say.

The guards grab me by my arms and pull me away from the table, once we're out of the dining hall I feel a slight pinch in my wrist and before I have time to realize what it was, I'm out like a light.

I wake up to Delly sitting next to my bed, with that painting in her lap. I'm not sure why she has it, I haven't seen it since the day she came and showed it to me, but she holds it carefully as if one wrong move would destroy it.

"Peeta?" She asks carefully, looking over my face before going on. "This is why I acted the way I acted today." She says. Sadly, apologetically.

"I'm not saying you didn't deserve it because you did, but I should have handled it better. Just some times it makes me so mad. It's not your fault. I look at this painting and I get mad too because this," She points to me painting, her hand falling on one of the children's faces, "This is what was supposed to happen. Not that." Her hand points out towards the door indicating the past that happened only a couple hours ago.

"We can't change things Delly." My voice was dry from lack of water, she realizes this and hands me a glass before sitting back down.

"Yes, but can't you realize that it's more than just…" Her sentence stands wide open, too scared to finish it for fear of what I might say, or do.

"Me? I know. I like to think I know anyways. But it's hard. And you're right it is supposed to be that, but I don't want that." I point towards the dream painting, the thing I had dreamed only months ago was far from what I wanted now. "I just want home and family and a reason to smile. Not being dragged away by guards or being yelled at by my only friend, but a peace."

I've actually managed to make Delly cry, a couple tears roll down her cheeks, as she does nothing to hide them. I could admire that in her, she wasn't afraid of hiding who she was.

"I know Peeta, and I'm sorry I can't give it to you. I keep on wanting to wake up from this bad dream. When they told me what you did to Katniss, I could have sworn they had the wrong guy. The Peeta I knew would never do that, and the first day I came in here, I saw that it was you, that you were no longer that Peeta that loves with out return, that cares because that's who he is, you were someone completely different." She stops finally going to wipe a tear from her face.

"But what Johanna said, that you were replaced by a totally different person, was a lie. I still see him. In the things you say. Haymitch told me about you wanting to die for the solution, that's you. That's the Peeta I know. And the way you looked at Annie, it's the way you used to look at everyone you loved. I've been seeing you come back, piece by piece, and I know you think he's dead, but the Peeta that painted this, he's in there. Putting himself back together, piecing together the broken parts. You'll come back. I know it."

She gets up and gives me a small kiss on the cheek. She grabs the painting and leaves before I can say anything else.

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	19. Chapter 19

**Here's the next chapter! Enjoy! I do not own Mockingjay.**

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**Ch. 19**

The doctor had come in shortly after Delly had left; his head hung low searching over the notes he had written down on a clipboard. Delly's words didn't seem to leave me, replaying over and over again in my head. She thinks the Peeta all of them love is still there which is nothing short of a miracle. In all honesty her words give me more hope than what the doctors could have ever given to me in a million years.

"Peeta it seems that you've made many leaps and bounds in these past weeks. The guards said you were controlling yourself from exploding, which is huge progress." He has sat down at the chair that Delly had just left minutes ago. I wish it were her telling me this news, not the guy that I hadn't even bothered to learn his name.

** "**Is it true?" I find myself not being able to comprehend his words. I only hear his voice and recognize his presence, but my thoughts are consuming and I can think of nothing else.

"What Peeta?" He asks me, for once looking up from his multitudes of notes and up into my face. He didn't do that often and it was mostly only to get my attention when he did. I guess that's the reason I didn't like him that much; he didn't try to connect.

"What Delly said, am I becoming me again?" I'm not sure how he would know, he only knows me as I am now. The only way he could know about the old Peeta was if other people told him, but I don't know if the few people that did know me would really want to open up to him. I guess, if he some how confirmed it, I could really actually believe it. I wouldn't have to let it consume my every thought, I would actually know.

"Peeta, I thought you knew. We have no idea what Delly said just now. We were giving you some privacy." I feel like getting up and giving the guy a hug because that's all I've wanted for quite some time now. I'm thankful they weren't listening. "But I'll try and answer best I can, what did she say?"

"She said I was becoming me again. That I'm still in there picking up the pieces getting ready to come out." I say. The doctor pauses for a second, looks down at his notes some more, and then finally sets them on the table beside me and looks at me.

"The way I see it, you never really left. The brain is a very complex thing, but I don't think it ever loses its sense of self even after this horrible trauma you've been through. Take Annie Cresta for instance, she suffered this great trauma when she was young and then she was pushed into the real world and told to be absolutely and completely normal. And why not? The other Victors had done it. But something in her brain couldn't take it. I bet if you look at her before the Games and after you would see the same person. I mean sure, now she's more sensitive and sometimes needs to go into herself to be okay, but she's still Annie." He pauses and looks at me, to see if I get it. I nod my head for him to go on.

"I mean sure, the guy everyone out there knew was gone for awhile, but I have heard it from Haymitch and Delly and even Sky who knew very little about you, that you are acting like him. We can't expect you to be the same exact guy, but who is the same person they were when they were in their teenage years? You've been through a great deal Peeta, and change is going to happen, but I don't see why you can't be a lot like the guy all of them used to know."

It's the most I've ever heard the guy talk. An insight into how the doctor sees it is good sometimes. It's not just someone's opinion; it's the doctor's with his vast knowledge of how things work. His words will at least put my mind at rest for a little while longer.

Later that evening they tell me I have a visitor. I don't expect Johanna Mason to walk in the door though. She looks almost there. I'm not sure where there is, but she is definitely better than the girl I knew from the weekly visits. She didn't give up after that. I respect it.

"Listen." She says slamming into the chair and kicking her feet up to rest on my bed. She really knew how to make herself at home. "I don't know why you think you have some edge on pain and suffering because you don't."

"I know." I say quickly, she gives me a glare and moves to go on.

"Do you? Because the way you acted when someone told you something blunt or real was like you were some lost puppy dog. We've all been through the wringer, but we keep going. You're a victor! You have to keep fighting!" I don't know why she's practically yelling at me or why she's changed her position so her face is inches away from mine, but something at the table had seemed to set her off. Something I said had been bothering her all day.

"Why are you here?" I say over her. With my voice raised like that I doubt they were giving me privacy now.

"Because she is trying! She is trying and you're sitting here doing nothing. You have to fight don't you? After all they've done to you don't you want to fight?" That's why she's here, to get me to move, to get me to help with the revolution. But how was I supposed to help take over the Capitol when I couldn't even remember who I was?

"I know you don't believe it, but she's had it as bad as you. So don't say you have some edge on all of us. At least try and help. At least try to stop this madness." She kicks her feet onto the ground and then leaves with the giant slam of the door. She was right I didn't like the Capitol. She was right I should try to fight.

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**Sorry that took forever to update!**

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	20. Chapter 20

**Here's the next chapter! Enjoy! I do not own Mockingjay.**

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**Ch. 20**

"Listen. They think you're ready to move out. So, you probably are." Haymitch is urging me to get out of the bed. It would be nice to have a real bed, a real private room. A life to myself. I doubt the doubt the doctors watching over me would help piece myself together anymore than a complete stranger. Maybe they'll let me start training.

I had talked to my doctor about it, who in turn had gone and talked to the President here. Coin, he said was her name. She seemed to have a lot of power here, people seemed to fear her. The doctor had came back with his shoulders sank after he had talked to her. He said that she would think about it, but he didn't seem positive.

It was a couple days after that and Haymitch had come into my room in a hurry. They're letting you leave, he had said, so come on. I wasn't sure why I was so apprehensive. I wanted this freedom didn't I? I mean it was almost as if I needed it to move on with my life, but I had gotten better in this room. It had become my home.

I usually wasn't sentimental, but here I was, being sentimental and I hated it. I also think it was more than just sentiments part of me thought I would explode. Who knew? I could kill people. I could kill myself. With people watching me 24/7 I felt safe.

If I go out there, if I try to be normal, it could be the worst thing ever. That's what I fear. Doing something so crazy, that really, under any circumstance, I would never be able to be the Peeta they all want ever again.

"But what if I do something?" I ask, still sitting still and not moving. Even if I wanted to move, I'm not sure if my body would let me.

"Like what? They won't let you do anything. They're much stricter than they were back home. Heck they won't even let me drink!" He says pull the sheets away from my body.

"What if I can't control myself?" I ask.

"That's what this is for." He holds up a steel bracelet. Half of the contraption I had to wear the other day. It would knock me out if anything went wrong, that at least, made me feel better.

He moves over to me and puts it on. It was too tight, there was no way I could take it off myself and Haymitch locks it with a key. I thank whoever thought of this. It isn't good that I'm afraid of myself, but it's good that I feel better about it with this on my wrist.

"I'll be by myself?" I ask him. He looks impatient and like he has much better things to do today than help his crazy tribute. I get it, he didn't sign up for emotional support. He didn't really sign up for any of this, but neither did I.

"Yes, but Delly lives right across the hall. They wanted you two to live together, but I told them that wasn't the best idea." He looks at me and turns away. He begins to pace his way throughout the whole room, which wasn't that big. A few steps that way, a few steps this way. He circled the whole room within a matter of seconds.

"Why not?" I ask. I felt annoying for being curious, but it was good to know the answer to things. That way I didn't have to be so confused.

"Delly's fragile. She may not act like it around you, but the way you acted in the cafeteria the other day really hit her hard. To say the least being your friend was really easy before all this. Now it seems like it's even harder than winning this revolution." I'm not exactly taken aback by his words because I knew it was true, but it didn't seem like it was hard for Delly. She always seemed genuinely happy to see me when she came in. I didn't know it had taken such a toll on her.

"It's been hard for her?" I ask him. Another question.

"Of course. It's been hard for all of us." He stops pacing and grabs my hand to make me stand. I don't know why I thought something like this would be easy for anyone, let alone Delly. It always surprised me how easily she handled all of this. I guess there was another side to all of this that I had no means to seeing. They could watch every moment of my life, but I couldn't do the same with them.

I do feel bad for all the burden I had put on little, sweet Delly Cartwright. She deserved a good healthy friend that would be there for her as much as she would be there for them. I found myself feeling bad a lot and I guess even though I was leaving the 24/7 surveillance, today wasn't the day I was going to start feeling better.

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**Sorry that was such a short chapter! It's almost to the part where he goes to the Capitol, so hopefully things will pick up there!**

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	21. Chapter 21

**Here's the next chapter! Enjoy! I do not own Mockingjay.**

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**Ch. 21**

The room they gave me wasn't big by any means. A bed in the corner, a door to the bathroom on the other side, and a small dresser over on the side. It was bigger than the hospital room and more private. I fell in love with the privacy the second I walked in, but it was dark. There weren't windows; the only mirror was in the bathroom. I couldn't wake up to the sun streaming in my window, which I didn't have in the hospital, but it would be nice.

I've realized, living in this room now, that home was more unreachable than ever. It's harder to get home now than it was being in the games. It's nearly impossible and scares me. More than the thought of not having my family, more than the thought of people hating me because of what the Capitol did, more than the thought of dying without cause. If I don't have my home, then who am I?

I didn't have a stamped schedule on my arm like everyone else; I wore my heavy bracelet at all times and another small white one around my other wrist. I can do whatever I want, which isn't much fun seeing that no one really talks to me. I usually stay in my room most of the day, but today they say I have a meeting.

I work my shoes on that they gave to me. They don't fit right, the heel is really warned down and my toes almost poke out through the front, they said I had to take what ever they gave me. The clothes are dull just like the people. My doctor, that stuck to his clipboard a lot, might be one of the most interesting people in the whole place. I like to think that maybe they have some sense of humor. Maybe I scare them too much.

One of the guards that watched over me when I went to the dining hall that first time walks into my room, come to take me to the meeting. I tried to ask them what it was about, but they wouldn't tell me. I was nervous they were going to move me back into the hospital room. I hadn't had any outburst, but they still might have some reason.

He leads me down long dooming hallways with flickering lights, into an old rickety elevator, down some more hallways until we finally stop in front of a door. He stops and turns around with out a word. I wondered if he had his tongue cut off like they did in the Capitol or if maybe he just didn't like to talk.

I push open the door precautious of what might be behind. I wonder if it's not only the Capitol that is barbaric, but them as well, that maybe they nursed me back to health only to hurt me again.

Instead of a scary torture room staring me down I see the eyes of strangers and one man I do know, Haymitch. And another familiar man that I think I had only seen once before. A lady with grey hair at her shoulders stands at the head of the table, a look of power over her face.

"Peeta." She says and waves me in. Her voice is as dull and monotone as everyone else here and her expressions aren't any better. She wasn't trying to be charming like Snow had tried-and failed-to do. She was in charge and people knew and she didn't have to act nice to do it.

"Sit." She said firmly and I sat because her voice willed me to and not because I wanted to. "Peeta, I'm President Coin." So this is the lady that refused me training. I now understand why my doctor looked so serious.

"Firstly I want to say I wanted to rescue you from the arena first. I felt you would have more power, but then your interviews were confusing. You became a traitor, which is the only reason I don't want to train you." She stared at me seriously, waiting for an answer, but I wasn't sure what to say, so I just stared back.

"She's asking if you're still a traitor." Says Haymitch blatantly. "This is stupid. Of course he isn't, have you seen all he's been through?"

"Must I remind you? You really aren't necessary in this meeting." She gives my old mentor an evil look and looks back to me, "Well, are you?"

I feel frightened to talk as if anything I say will be held against me, one wrong word and I could be killed by her eyes. "I'm not a traitor, I never was. What I can distinguish of my thoughts during then, I only did it to get her back."

"Her?" Coin asks me. Only forcing me to say Katniss's name out loud as if it will do something good for me.

"Katniss. I can also tell you that I want the Capitol defeated. I'm ready to fight." I say. I'm not sure where this strength came from, but Johanna did inspire me to want to do something. I couldn't just sit around anymore, she was right. I had to fight.

I had to have known that the fighting wouldn't stop once I left the arena. I had to have known a revolution was coming. So I do this for my old self, the one that lost his life at the hands of a wicked ruler.

"Yes, but how do we know you won't shoot yourself?" Asks the man that looked vaguely familiar. I think he was a Gamemaker, I wonder why he would be here. I never thought a Capitol person would actually go against their protector.

"What does it matter? If I die you won't lose much. Besides, I promise I won't hurt anyone." I say looking back at the man and giving him a firm, reassuring glance.

"Welcome Soldier Mellark, you'll start training tomorrow." Is all President Coin says before she gathers up her papers and leaves the room.

I thought this would be a long drawn out argument, but it seems they need soldiers and I'm ready to fight.

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**I am really sorry you guys I didn't mean to take the whole week off, I've been sick and I didn't want to give you some thoughtless chapter written by a sick person. I feel even worse because I can't do another one until Monday probably. I'm really sorry! I don't like being like this! But I'm not giving up!**

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	22. Chapter 22

**Here's the next chapter! Enjoy! I do not own Mockingjay.**

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**Ch. 22**

The training consisted of many things, but most of the time it was me out of breath or me failing at the things the other much younger teenagers could do. Lying in a hospital bed for weeks wasn't the best for my body and when the drill sergeant made me run four miles the first day I about died. One thing about being through all this trauma, I knew how to persevere.

Soldier York, the person in charge of me and all my other fellow trainers, was told to take pity on me I'm sure because whenever I was breathing too hard or I was a second away from passing out she would look at me and wearily ask if I wanted a break. She always looked proud when every time, with out fail I said, "No, ma'am." I could tell she wasn't happy about having to put up with me, but I made it a little easier by not playing the injured card.

I began to excel at things with in the second week. The first week was a lot of discouragement, but the second week was completely different. It began to show that I knew how to handle weapons and that the muscles that had lain dormant were still in there waiting to be used. By the beginning of the third week I was up a level. I was hoping that maybe I'd be able to fight.

I want to die doing something for the better of these people. My old self-wanted to see what happened once the Capitol was defeated, but I really could care less. I just know that I want all these people that are fighting so hard to be free and I want to be able to help. So I hope they send me to fight, and I hope I die in a battle. What ever comes after won't be good for me. I don't have my family, I don't have many people that care for me anymore, dying with the Capitol seems to be the best choice.

I decide to ask Haymitch if I can go fight in the middle of the third week. I'm hoping that I'll ask him, he'll ask Coin, and she'll let me through. She seemed to like me okay, which I hope meant she'll let me do what I please. Though I have realized that if it's not in Coins plan then it isn't in any ones plan. Me going to fight has to be in her plan or I'm rendered useless, and I don't want to be useless.

"Haymitch!" I call to him as I see him walking quickly through the halls. I had just left the dining hall and didn't expect to see him until tonight, but there he was and I couldn't wait to see him. Even though I'm sure he heard me, he doesn't turn around or slow down. I'm left to try and catch up with him.

Finally after almost tripping over a pale girl in the drab clothes of Thirteen I reach him, but he quickens his pace and acts as if I'm not beside him. "Haymitch! Haymitch! Would you just stop for a second?" I say exasperated, and then finally he stops.

"What? Is it really important?" He looks angry, though not at me because there was no way he could be angry with me. I hadn't had a break out in over a week and hadn't directly talked to him in over two days. Something was going on that I had no clue about.

"Well, why are you in such a hurry first?" I ask talking slowly just to anger him. I kind of made it a game to see how loud I could make Haymitch talk during our conversations. After awhile he just got tired of it and left the room usually. It was really the only entertainment I got.

"They're sending Katniss off to the Capitol if she passes this test today. I'd like to watch. I've got five minutes to get there which gives you two minutes. So if you have something really important to tell me, spit it out or wait." He says these sentences with perfect precision in a matter of seconds, with out alcohol Haymitch was quick and alert, a totally different person.

"I want to fight." I say just as quickly as him. I could tell he was serious about the time and though more time would be nice I wanted to tell him now.

"Peeta, seriously?" He looks at me as if _that_ was the craziest thing I had ever said.  
"What? With all the Capitol has done to me, I want to hurt them. I don't care if I die. In fact I want to die so the people in the Districts can have good lives. Besides I don't want to keep hurting you and Katniss and Finnick and Gale. I want you guys to have good lives with out me. And I don't just want to die. I want to die fighting for the good of this country, of these people that deserve it. Don't tell me I'm crazy." I say.

I stare him right in the eye as he looks like he's about to consider it, but then he something dings in his head and he looks down to a watch on his wrist.

"Walk with me." He says and picks up his pace to just right before a run. "I get what your saying, but who says you won't go crazy on the battle field and turn the gun on one of our own. Peeta in this war we don't need unstable. We need people that we're sure will fight for us. I'll ask some people, but I'm not promising anything." We reach an open elevator and he slides in. The doors close and I'm left by myself.

The conversation discouraged me. I hadn't even thought about it that way. I'd been so stable in my thinking lately that I forgot how very unstable I could be. I do know that things are confusing a lot, but would I really turn around shoot my fellow comrade?

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**I'm excited to get to the parts in the Capitol! Also I mentioned doing a short five chapter fic pre-epilouge, which I would need a title for so I'm opening that up to all of you! Something creative! Also I'm writing a long one chapter fic in the point of view of Katniss. It probably won't be down for a while, but I just wanted to mention it! **

**Don't forget to REVIEW on the way out! Thanks! ~boywithbreadlover**


	23. Chapter 23

**Here's the next chapter! Enjoy! I do not own Mockingjay.**

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**Ch. 23**

It was early in the morning when I heard the slight hesitated knock on my large heavy door. I had gotten news the day before that Katniss had gone off to the Capitol along with Finnick and Gale and that Johanna was in the hospital for an accident that happened during training. I was planning to go visit her today to find out what really happened, but I wasn't anticipating to see the small blonde girl that was partially at fault for starting all this, to be at my door early in the morning.

I hadn't seen Prim at all while in District Thirteen and I was surprised she was able to avoid me for that long. I heard somewhere that she would come and observe me sometimes, but she never had the nerve to walk into the room. I feel like she didn't talk to me because she felt it would be betraying her sister, I had a feeling I should fear her more than she had ever feared me.

She was much older looking than what I remembered, the little innocence I remembered in her was all gone and in its place was wisdom. Her eyes were closer to mine than they were in last months I had seen her. The little girl that Katniss volunteered for no longer existed and in her place stood a strong, independent woman.

I didn't expect her to wrap her thin arms around my waist or for her to lay her head against my shoulder as if I was an old friend. It wasn't anything romantic, no; it was more like she was my little sister seeing me after months of being apart. When I try to let go she pulls me in closer and holds me just a little bit longer and finally after I relax into the hug, I realize it's all I really needed.

I'm not sure how long it lasts or how we know that it was the right time to let go, but one second we just did and it was okay because I felt almost me again by the time she let go. With out a word she stepped around me and into my small room.

"I'm sorry I haven't seen you." Those are the first words she says to me. I don't remember being that close with Prim, but she was someone I felt I could depend on. If I had no one else, I could rely on Prim. With her standing in my room I realize why Katniss would do anything for her, she was hard not to love.

"It's been really hard for Katniss and I wanted to be there for her. The hospital needed me a lot too. I did miss you. You really changed our lives around and I liked it." She's sat down at my small table that is next to my dresser. I only use it when Haymitch comes over or in the small instances that Delly and I hang out in my room.

I'm not sure what she meant by 'liked it'; after I entered their lives it took a turn for the worst. There wasn't a lot of happiness with me in the equation.

"I know what your thinking. How I could like the way you changed it. I liked it because you changed Katniss, for the better. You made her more vulnerable and she needed that. We as humans need vulnerability and some are born with it and some gain it through experiences and Katniss learned how to love through you, she learned how to be vulnerable."

I walk and sit down across from her. I think about my words before I speak them. I no longer hated myself for loving Katniss and part of me was getting used to the idea of it. It used to be part of me. There was no Peeta with out loving Katniss and I think that is what freaked people out the most.

"She loved you before me." It's a simple sentence, but it was true. Wasn't volunteering for her sister some sort of vulnerability mixed in with bravery?

"Yes, but she had too. We're sisters. You taught her how to love outside of just me. Katniss is only the person she is today because of you. There would be no Mockingjay without Peeta Mellark behind her." I don't know how Prim came up with all of this. Her face was still young and if you only glanced at her you wouldn't know how truly wise she was. While Katniss and I were in the Games and at the Capitol and being Victors, Prim was back home becoming wiser and kinder and more loving than anybody I had ever known.

"Not any more. I'm not that Peeta Mellark any more." I hated being the disappointment; having to tell people that I wasn't the boy they had known before. I hated seeing their faces drop as they realized he was long gone, but Prim's didn't do that. She stayed composed and looked me straight in the eye.

"Of course you are. Peeta you may not think you love her anymore, but way deep down I know you do. She's tried to mourn you and get over the fact that you won't be there anymore, but she can't give up and you know why? She sees it too." She stops and lets her eyes peruse around my room and then back to me. She studies my face for a while before she speaks again.

"Haymitch told me what you wanted to do. How you wanted to die while in battle. I don't think you should. I do think you should fight, but I think you should keep fighting the internal battle as well. Katniss needs you Peeta. We all do. Don't kill yourself because you think it's the solution. Fight for her, for yourself, like you've always done. If you want to find yourself again, then start acting like him." Her words might sound malicious if she had said them in a different tone, but I had never heard something so compassionate before. Prim cared about me and she was willing me to fight. Not just the Capitol, but what the Capitol had done to me.

"Don't you see? If you go die, they win." She stands up and gives me one final hug before walking towards the door, "Don't let them win." She leaves and I'm left by myself.

I feel the tear hit my cheek before I realize I'm crying. It's not out of sadness, but something else completely. It's out of the want to fight; it's out of the need to win. I was going to win this battle; I was going to become me again.

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**I'm really sorry guys I have been way more busy than usual, and I don't mean to neglect this. Anyways have you guys seen the new Catching Fire victory tour pictures? They're so beautiful! And they make me so happy!**

**Don't forget to REVIEW on the way out! Thanks! ~Boywithbreadlover**


	24. Chapter 24

**Here's the next chapter! Enjoy! I do not own Mockingjay.**

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**Ch. 24**

It was an hour after Prim left that I finally picked myself up to go visit Johanna. I found her in a room near where mine was. It's where the long-term patients go, individual rooms that insure the most privacy. Whatever happened in training wasn't miner and I hope she is okay.

I knock before I walk in, only to hear her scream that whoever it was she didn't want to talk to. I didn't feel like just walking away so I went in anyways to find a broken, lost Johanna Mason sitting with her eyes staring straight ahead. The strength that she had to yell at me a few seconds before was all gone and the Johanna I had seen only a couple weeks back was no longer here. She was back to the girl I saw weekly, scared and broken, not sure what tomorrow will bring.

"Go. You don't need to be here." Her voice was still persistent, I was sure that Johanna could never lose her sassiness, even if you tortured her non-stop, or threw her into the Games more than once. Johanna was strong, and nobody could doubt that.

"I do. You need someone to be there, so here I am. Here. For you." I vaguely remember her telling us that she had no one she loved back in the rain forest clock. I felt bad for her, after all everyone needed someone to love.

"Peeta. Stop. I'm fine." I guess I could've obeyed her wishes and left, but it didn't seem like the right thing to do, so I stepped closer to her bed and sat down in the stiff chair beside her. I was no longer the one in the hospital bed. I was on the other end. It didn't feel good being either person.

"No Johanna. I'm going to be here for you. We don't have to talk. I just know that Finnick left and Katniss and that you probably need someone to talk to or to just be there. So here I am." It was time like these that I thought maybe I was back to my old self, but I knew I wasn't because there was still confusion and the monster nagging at me to come out. Still I feel that this is something I would've done before the hijacking and it's nice to know that he is still in there.

"They used water against me." She looks at me, her face sobered and empty. This is how I must've looked in the hospital bed, I realize now why people looked at me with such apprehension. "In the Capitol I mean. They would drown me, and then right before I was about to die, right before I was almost out of air, the water wasn't there any more. They had it timed perfectly, right to the last second. My life flashed before my eyes countless times. And it's not like I wasn't used to it because I was, but it was different. Dying while drowning is much harder than dying at the hands of a peer with a knife. I don't know what it is about the water that makes it harder. Maybe it's because I knew oxygen was in reach and they just wouldn't give it to me."

Her voice is distant, as if she isn't really here. She could be talking to anyone right now, it seems she just needed to say the words.

"Anyways, somehow they knew. I never told them, but they knew. We had to do this last thing before they said it was okay that we went to the Capitol and they used your weakness against you. I couldn't stop it, I just broke down, and I felt like I was dying all over again and I needed the morphling and I felt so weak and I hate that the Capitol has done this to me. They've made me weak and I hate it and I just want them to fail. I'm tired of them ruining everyone." She hasn't started crying yet, and I don't think she will, she has too much pride for that. She's already become vulnerable in front of me and that alone is a miracle.

"I want to fight, for you, I'll fight." It was another reason I had to go to the Capitol. I could fight in her spirit; I could fight for her and everyone else in the Districts that were incapable of fighting.

"You're going to the Capitol?" Her voice has more strength in it now, her telling me all of that must've helped in some way.

"Yes, because they don't deserve to get away with all of this. It's not fair. I'm fighting for everyone, I'm fighting for myself, I'm fighting for you. I'm fighting for a better tomorrow because we deserve it." I look at her as she stares back at me. I watch as a small smirk comes across her face.

"We do, but Coin is letting you go?" She looks at me seriously. I'd seen the extensive training they were all put through before having to head off to the Capitol. I want to be able to get there before the war is over. It would be a miracle if Coin actually let me go and I have to take into consideration what Haymitch had told me about not being stable. But I knew one thing; I had to get there.

"I don't know yet. I hope I can."

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**Sorry this is such a short chapter! He should be in the Capitol within the next two chapters. I'm really excited for what comes there, obviously in the book he is confused about a lot of things and I think a lot of that is triggered by being back in the Capitol and around Katniss, but I like being able to write him becoming himself again! Also, if any of you have twitter fan accounts give me your UN's I just might follow you! **

**Don't forget to REVIEW on the way out! Thanks! ~boywithbreadlover**


	25. Chapter 25

**Here's the next chapter! Enjoy! I do not own Mockingjay.**

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**Ch. 24**

One step, and another, then another. I walk closer and closer to my test. I'm not sure what will happen or even how they'll test me, but I do know that it could break me. It broke Johanna; it put her back in the hospital. Oh how scared I am, frightened that the monster will take over, scared that I won't ever be me again.

Haymitch walks beside me and doesn't speak. He doesn't know either, but he says Coin wasn't very reluctant like they thought she would be. I'm as surprised as he is, but I'm glad she's letting me try to pass this test. He says I only have one chance or it will be too late, so I hope with all myself that I can control the monster today.

The room I walk into is dark. There is one light, suspended over an empty chair that sits in front of a large screen. I take the ten steps to reach it and with out even questioning it I sit down. The Gamemaker from the meeting a couple weeks back walks into the room, a Capitol looking lady walks beside him.

"Hello Peeta, I'm not sure if you remember me. I'm Plutarch Heavensbee; I've been on the rebels' side this whole time. Coin asked me to run your test because we have a lot of footage of Katniss. Our main concern for you is that you'll go off because of something Katniss might do, so were going to test that. Just sit back and watch." He leaves with the woman following close behind him. I watch as Haymitch follows after them and closes the door behind him. I was completely alone and in all honesty I don't think I'd ever been more afraid.

The screen blinks on, for just a few seconds it's static and then I see her. Walking her face full of something close to happiness, but at the same time far from it. The footage isn't the best, but I can still see her face as it goes through multitudes of emotions. Hope, happiness, sadness, regret, joy. They all flash across her face in a matter of seconds.

That's when I notice the familiarity of the hallways. She's in the hospital wing of District Thirteen; it's not the best footage because it's off the security cameras. I realize for the first time that I actually see something of beauty in her. Her grey eyes don't bring down the room, but brighten it up. Her brown hair that lies all in a braid at her shoulder is so deep and beautifully real that I couldn't imagine a prettier color of hair.

I start to question when I stopped fearing her and began to see her this way. I still don't care for her; after all I can still feel how she affected me. Even if I can't really remember it first hand, I know what she did. And some things I really couldn't be sure about. Like was it really all her fault that District Twelve is no more? And did she really not care for me in the first Games? It was all too confusing and scary as I watched her take the first steps into my hospital room.

I see her face when she first sees me. Somehow Plutarch zoomed in on her face and time seemed to slow down. She looks in love. It's not the way that my father looked at my mother or how I saw some boys look at the girls at school, but I knew in my heart that it is the face of somebody in love.

The camera switches and I see me running towards her and it switches again and I see as my hands begin to take the life away from the powerless girl. I hate myself for doing this to her. I hate the Capitol for making me believe it was the right thing to do. I hate this world for being so cruel. But the thing I hate the most, is that part of me wanted the girl on the screen to die.

I stand up closer to the screen before I can stop my body from doing it. I'm screaming words that I can't stop from my mouth and pounding the screen before me and a little part in me is screaming that I've failed, that I can't go, that I'm done with.

The screen goes black and I fall to the ground, sobs rack my body uncontrollably as I let it happen. As if I could stop it if I tried. I felt helpless to my own body and the thoughts that went through my head. I felt like I was a spectator looking into my mind without being able to say anything.

I was blind and deaf and speechless to myself and it was scary. I see why people are afraid of me and why Haymitch was almost sure that I wouldn't be able to go fight. If I couldn't watch a simple thirty-second video, then how was I supposed to fight, shoot a gun; be strong for the right people. I knew there was no way I was going to be able to go to the Capitol and I knew there was no way I was going to become me again.

All those things people have been telling me, that I was becoming me again, that they could see him coming back, they were all lies. Too much hope when there was no hope available. I didn't know what to do or to think and I just wanted to keep on crying because that's the best thing I could think of doing.

And then I heard it, the firm steps of someone that knew their place. It could only be President Coin, the only person in this whole District that seemed to be secure in herself.

"Peeta, get up." It was only the sureness in her voice that brought me to my feet, but even that could not stop the tears. "There was an accident on the battle field. We need another soldier. You're our guy. You're hovercraft leaves in an hour. Go. Prepare yourself."

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**I'm going to be honest with you guys, this wasn't the original outline I had for this chapter, but I feel this is better. Peeta is still like a Mutt when he's in the Capitol and I feel like he had to break again...So this chapter happened! Also since I haven't posted since Saturday (so so so so so so so so sorry) I would like to say that I'm SOOOOOOO HAPPY FOR JEN AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! I LOVE HER! Also have you heard that Lionsgate is releasing something on March 4th? AAAAAAA!**

**Okay, sorry. Don't forget to REVIEW on the way out! Thanks! ~boywithbreadlover**

**P.S. I'm really sorry, but I've been so busy and it's only gonna be busy some more. Don't expect a post for like three days...**


	26. Chapter 26

**Here's the next chapter! Enjoy! I do not own Mockingjay any direct quotes will be in italics.**

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**Ch. 26**

It was pure chaos as I prepared myself to go. Not only was I having a mental breakdown, but Haymitch was screaming in my ear. On the other side Beetee was explaining to me how the Capitol was rigged. It was all too much for my tired broken brain, I wasn't sure why they were letting me go.

Haymitch said it was Coin that made the final decision even after seeing me crying on the ground from a simple video. He said that people tried to persuade her otherwise, but when they got news thatSquad 451 didn't have enough people anymore it was a done deal.

Haymitch told me her words were exactly this, "The propos are getting boring, people are losing the fire that Katniss ignited. Peeta is the log, the thing that keeps the fire burning, Katniss was the spark, it will die out quick if we don't get him in there. Besides they need another person."

Haymitch didn't seem happy about it, his words were rushed and quick and I couldn't help but feel he was sending me out into the games again. But were my motives the same? Was I still trying to keep Katniss alive?

"No matter what happens you have to stand firm. You are Peeta Mellark. You are a rebel. You want the Capitol to die." Over and over again he would yell at me these commands as if I could actually remember them whenever the monster decided to come out. I felt sick to my stomach as Beetee handed me a weapon and practically shoved me into a hovercraft.

"Peeta!" Haymitch called one last time, I looked up as the doors were about to close, "Remember who the enemy is." And then the door closes and I'm left to myself and the few others flying to the Capitol.

Was it only an hour ago that I was crying on the ground, feeling as if I were falling apart because of the conflicting sides of my brain? I feel so confused right now. Haymitch told me to remember who the enemy was, but I couldn't be sure. Was it Katniss or Snow? The Capitol or myself?

The flight to the Capitol would only be a couple hours and then what? What would happen to me? I'd be pushed into the battle field, forced to film propos and fight along side Katniss.

Katniss. I wasn't sure about her. So many memories I have of her could be fabricated lies. Did she really try to kill me before? Did she even really love me? I couldn't trust any of my memories really. Was my father really a baker? Did I ally with the Careers in my first games?

I know a soldier going into battle shouldn't really be this confused. I should be sure in what I believe in and what I want to happen, but I just can't be. Everything the Capitol did to me seemed to go away for a while, but the second I'm being sent back it's as if I'm becoming their mutt again.

I want to hide in myself like Annie does whenever something scary happens. I want to reside in my mind for the rest of my life. I'd rather be crazy than have to face these demons. I felt a war waging inside of me, each side asking for more and more attention and the monster always winning.

I let my eyes close and thankfully my body grants me sleep. I have no nightmares or any dreams and it's nice for once to have complete and utter silence.

When I wake up the pilot tells me we're close to the Capitol, I actually feel ready. The small rest worked wonders on my body and mind, even though there is still confusion, I feel a want, no a need, to beat the Capitol. I was ready to fight for all it was worth.

When get out of the hovercraft I see Katniss and Finnick and Gale all standing in their camp not looking very defeated or tired, just there, standing around the fire waiting for something, anything to happen.

I hear someone call out, "Look." I watch as they all turn my way. Their reactions are immediate, eyes wide, mouths dropped, some unintelligent words being spoken. I was almost used to a reaction like this, when I first started training a number of the others looked at me this way, but it was worse happening out here. I was supposed to fight along these people, but they didn't seem to want to fight with me.

I continue to walk with confidence so they know that I am not scared to fight. I have a feeling all this training and me being sent out here will be for nothing, that they'll just send me back, but then I remember what Coin said to Haymitch. If Coin ordered it, then it stayed that way. I was here to fight, and them complaining about it wasn't going to do anything.

One of the soldiers, Boggs I think, is the first to talk to me, "Soldier Mellark give me your weapon." He is the commander of Squad 451, the one to punch me unconscious when I was suffocating Katniss. I have a feeling he doesn't like me much.

I hand over the gun that is slung across my shoulder. I didn't need a fight in the first minute that I had arrived. I had decided to listen to what they told me to do because it was better that way.

"I have to go make a call." He says to the others and walks away from the group.

"Probably to Coin." Says Gale, looking at me uneasily. I had not forgotten his words in the dining hall those couple weeks back. He didn't trust me and I didn't expect him to.

"_It won't matter. The president assigned me herself. She decided the propos needed some heating up." _I tell them. They all stare at me wordlessly, shocked that Coin would assign someone as unstable as me.

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**Don't forget to REVIEW on the way out! Thanks! ~boywithbreadlover**


	27. Chapter 27

**Here's the next chapter! Enjoy! I do not own Mockingjay. **

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**Ch. 27**

No one talks for what seems like hours when Katniss and Boggs walk away. Her head was hung low and his muscles were tense, it looked as if they had been defeated. My stomach turns as I realize I am the cause to all this pain. If I hadn't come, if some anonymous soldier was sent instead of me, then all would be fine. Only I would feel defeated in the confines of District Thirteen.

The fire crackles as sparks blow into the cool twilight air. Fire was mesmerizing, the way it licked the logs in a caring way, looking after it as if were it's child. As a human I had to look at fire as something dangerous, if I stepped too close to it my skin would begin to scream in protest. But I look at in a different way, not in danger, but in a need.

We needed fire. Long winter nights back in District Twelve would have been unbearable with out it. And my whole father's career, thrown out the door.

With out fire this revolution would not have started. Katniss and I gave it a spark, an ember, to catch fire; I couldn't just sit back and watch, as it turned into something beautiful. I had to be apart of it.

That's why I don't surrender and go back to Thirteen, that's why I decide that no matter what they say or do, I was staying. I had to be apart of this beautiful danger.

I don't notice Finnick beside me until he kicks a rock into the pit. His eyes watch the ground shyly. I've never seen him like this, so…I can't come up with a good word for it. So unhappy, un-Finnick. And I guess I didn't really know him. Before the Games I knew him as the Capitol heart throb. In the Games he was the guy that saved my life, the guy I wasn't sure about. Just recently, I wasn't sure anymore. My feelings for Annie had come and passed, I saw the way she looked at him.

He was much more than what people thought he was. Much stronger than anyone could ever really know. I realize that leaving Annie for the Capitol might be one of the hardest decisions he's ever made. I can't really connect with him, I don't have a love like that, not anymore anyways, but I do know it's something powerful.

I hadn't seen Annie much in the past week, only walking through the halls, or sitting in the Dining Room, but from what I could tell she was doing okay. Maybe that's all Finnick needed to know right now.

"She's okay." I say, it's quiet but only because I don't want anyone else to hear. This is something only Finnick needed to know.

"How can you know?" He whispers back. The others don't look at us and if they weren't trying to listen they probably didn't even know we were having a conversation.

"I can't, but from what I've seen." I answer. Annie was strong too, like all of the victors were. She could handle the absence of her lover; she had to know the urgency.

"She's fragile, Peeta. I promised her. What if I can't make it back? What then?" He looks up from the ground now into my eyes. The face that millions of Capitol people had fallen in love with looks so vulnerable in this time of war.

"Don't think of it that way. We're going to win and make it back and be able to go home. Then you'll be safe. You'll be able to take care of Annie and maybe someday, have a family." Something I say brings a small smile across his face, but not big enough to register as happiness. It's almost sad, the smile he gives me.

"You can't always be optimistic Peeta." I'm almost taken aback by what he says. I wasn't optimistic all the time, but he was right that was what I was being right now. I had to step back and look at it differently. What if we don't win? What then?

The 76th Hunger Games would be much harsher than any Quarter Quell had been. All of us would be executed. At least I hope they would give us that. That small bit. I hope they won't take away my dignity for a second time.

"You're right, I can't." And why was I being so optimistic? The same reason I had told myself that I wouldn't be reaped because the alternative was down right scary. I shiver at the idea of loosing. I shiver just at the idea of Annie losing her rock. It was too scary and blunt to think about it. I had to be optimistic, even when my body told me to do otherwise. "But we have to."

I say this seconds after I had the first part. The conversation could've ended if I hadn't said that.

He pauses to think for a minute before answering me. As I wait I look up to see Gale looking at us from across the fire. The sun has gone down by now and the light from the flames lick across his face. It would've been intimidating if I hadn't noticed the sad frown he had on.

"Yes, we do, it's just hard. After living a life like this, there is a time when we run out of luck." He says. His eyes stray back to the bright fire before us.

I had never thought of my life as lucky. I was thrown into the Hunger Games twice, hijacked, and ripped from my family. There was luck though. I had lived through both of those Hunger Games. District Thirteen rescued me. And though my family is gone, at least they didn't have to live through this. There was truth spoken in Finnick's words.

"Maybe it's not out yet." I say, trying to add some positive spin to this otherwise depressing conversation.

"The odds can't always be in my favor." He says as he walks away from me and into one of the small tents set up around us.

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**I really wanted to have a conversation between Finnick and Peeta, so that's why I wrote this chapter. Finnick is probably my favorite character right next to Peeta, so I thought I'd do something, besides he's bound to want to know how Annie is doing. The thing that killed me about writing this was the 'luck running out' part because as we know Finnick's luck does run out, so sorry for those emotions. **

**I'm really sorry I took so long to update! This week has been a whirlwind! **

**Don't forget to REVIEW on the way out! Thanks! ~boywithbreadlover**


	28. Chapter 28

**Here's the next chapter! Enjoy! I do not own Mockingjay any direct quotes will be in italics. **

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**Ch. 28**

I eat dinner by myself, while the rest of the squad eats silently a couple feet away from me. The few looks that Katniss does give me are so filled with hate that I can't stand to look up from my food that often. Katniss was filled with a cold hostility that only a Victor could earn. It would be nice if it weren't always directed towards me.

Finnick even steers clear from me at dinner, even though he talked openly with me not minutes before. I can't help, but feel they had formed some secret force against. They didn't care that Coin had personally appointed me, they were away from District Thirteen and her force was not nearly as strong out here.

I finish my food quickly and am glad to hear that Haymitch was trying to call me. It would be nice to get away from this tension out in the open air. I go into my tent with the phone that they have here.

"How is it out there?" He says to me in a whispered tone as if someone was right there next to him listening in to our conversation.

"I feel like they hate me Haymitch. Katniss won't look at me and when she does she looks at me as if I'm the scum of the earth. They only see me as that monster and I guess maybe they should, but I'm sick of feeling like that monster." I couldn't stop the tears that began to threaten at the first word I spoke. It is the nasty crying with the sobs that rack the body and the snot that empties from the nose.

I hope that no one is near the tent and if they are that they aren't listening carefully enough.

I had no doubt that Boggs or his second in command Jackson was listening through some other phone. Even this crying won't let them put mercy on me; to them I am just another enemy. An unneeded enemy, at that.

"Peeta. Get it together. It's going to be hard, you just have to stay strong. Do you hear me? Show them that you aren't a threat. Talk to them. Joke with them. Become their friend, maybe then they won't see you as the enemy." Haymitch says to me. I'm not sure how I would be able to joke with those people out there. I'm sure they wouldn't even give me the time to speak a sentence, let alone tell a joke.

"I'll try." I say. The tears have began to subside and like usual Haymitch's words have helped me. We say goodbye.

When I have collected myself enough to leave the tent I see Finnick standing outside waiting for me. He looks better than he did before, but only slightly. Maybe my conversation helped him.

"I'm sorry, Peeta." He says, his eyes pleading. I wasn't sure what he was apologizing for, the way he acted earlier, with such morbid ideals, or how he ignored me all together at dinner. "For everything. What's happened to you, how you've been treated, how Katniss won't look at you." He was apologizing for the things that couldn't be apologized. I'm not sure why I ever doubted Finnick was a good guy.

In response I only shake my head. The apology was so sincere and real. I hadn't felt kindness this great in a long time.

"I've been through hard times, heck we all have." A pause in conversation, a loud sob coming from a nearby tent, "When Annie was here in the Capitol I was going crazy, me and Katniss tried to hold each other together, but it wasn't enough, it never was." He pulls out a piece of rope from his pocket, "It can get repetitive, but it helps. You don't have to know how to tie really good knots. Actually the simple ones were usually the ones that helped me get my mind off things the most." He stops and holds the short dirty rope out to me, I grab it thankfully.

"To hold yourself together." He says, after I don't say anything he turns to walk away.

"Finnick." I call out, and he turns around, "Thank you." He nods his head and continues into the same tent he was in earlier.

Later into the night when everyone else was inside his or her tent and I was left outside with my guards that changed every few hours I began to work with the rope. Tying simple knots, untying them, trying harder one, and harder ones. Finnick was right, it did help. My mind was almost completely empty by the time I heard Katniss walk outside and take guard.

I'm not sure how long it tooks me to muster up the strength to talk to her. Out of all the things that confused me, she's the one that confused me the most. They tell me she loved me, but why do I remember her trying to kill me. And when I look at her I see something of beauty, but at the same time not. Everything about her confused me.

"_These last couple years must have been exhausting for you. Trying to decide whether to kill me or not. Back and forth. Back and forth."_ My words are quiet, but she hears them, I watch as her face contorts into an emotion that I don't have a word for.

"_I never wanted to kill you."_ There is honesty in her words and it only confuses me more. "_Except when I thought you were helping the Careers kill me. After that, I always thought of you as…an ally."_ I had many words for Katniss Everdeen, but ally was a new one. From what I've heard about her and I, ally wasn't a good enough descriptor.

"_Ally." _I let the easy, guarded word slip off of my tongue slowly before I move onto the next one, "_Friend. Lover. Victor. Enemy. Fiancée. Target. Mutt. Neighbor. Hunter. Tribute. Ally. I'll add it to the list of words I use to try to figure you out. The problem is, I can't tell what's real anymore and what's made up."_

Katniss doesn't looks at me; hear eyes have strayed away from where I sit. This happens almost every time I talk to her it seems.

"_Then you should ask, Peeta. That's what Annie does." _I hear Finnick from somewhere out in the darkness, no doubt not being able to sleep without Annie by his side.

"_Ask who?" _I look at Katniss and Jackson sitting next to her and I think of all the others that are sleeping in the tents. "_Who can I trust?" _

_ "Well us for starters. We're your squad." _Says Jackson as if it's the simplest thing ever. But it wasn't, not after the way they looked at me tonight.

"_You're my guards."_ I say.

"_That, too, but you saved a lot of lives in District Thirteen. It's not the kind of thing we forget." _I barely remember warning them of the bombings, it was the night my hijacking began, and I tried to forget about such things.

I stay silent and try to think of one simple thing I know about Katniss. What is one thing I remember knowing that can't be a lie. That can't be fabricated by the Capitol. Green. I think. Was that the color she had told me was her favorite? I have to ask. I have to know one thing for sure.

"_Your favorite color… it's green?"_ I ask tentatively not even sure that she would answer me.

"_That's right."_ She answers me. It wasn't much to stand on, but at least I knew something. "_And yours is orange."_

The bright color didn't appeal to me lately, I wonder what I must've been thinking when I told her. "_Orange?"_ I ask. Maybe I should be more confused about myself than Katniss.

"_Not bright orange. But soft. Like the sunset." _She pauses before adding, "_At least, that's what you told me once."_

_"Oh."_ I close my eyes to imagine the color that she speaks of. It was pretty. A little piece of me I was gaining back, "_Thank you." _

"_You're a painter. You're a baker. You like to sleep with the windows open. You never take sugar in your tea. And you always double-knot your shoelaces."_ She speaks these words fast and unguarded and for a second I see how people could say she loved me. Before I can thank her for all of that she leaves into her tent breathlessly, with out another word.

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**This is honestly one of my favorite parts, so I hope I did it justice. **

**So also I was really interested to know what you guys thought of the last chapter and not many people told me. It's out of pure curiosity and wanting to know how you guys felt about it. If you don't want to review you can always Private Message me!**

**Don't forget to REVIEW on the way out! Thanks! ~boywithbreadlover**


	29. Chapter 29

**Here's the next chapter! Enjoy! I do not own Mockingjay any direct quotes will be in italics.**

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**Ch. 29**

"I don't understand though, how could they make the memories seem so real?" One of the people in our Squad, Homes said. The conversation had begun early this morning when Katniss, Gale, and Finnick had left with the camera crew to get some footage.

It had began with simple things, how the morning was, how everyone was feeling, and then slowly it had become focused on me. Jackson had something about me handling last night well and Boggs said he heard Katniss talking. Which then dove Jackson into a full on description of what went on last night. I sat there quietly as I waited for her words to finally come to an end.

As she talked most of the Squad came near to listen, only a girl named Leeg 1 stayed mourning in her tent from the loss of her sister yesterday. Some of them began to ask questions. Like did I remember important things, how did they exactly do this, how long had they done it to me, all of which I had no real answers to.

I turn to Boggs after Homes asked the question because he seemed to understand what happened to me more than I did. I had only known the little that my Doctor had decided to tell me, it wasn't enough to answer all of these questions.

"Well from what I understand, or what Beetee has told me anyways, with a mix of tracker jacker venom and the right mind set, it isn't hard to change memories, make new ones, rearrange them. It would be interesting if they hadn't used it in such a morbid way." He doesn't look at me much; I can still see that he doesn't care for me. He must know the Peeta he thinks he knows isn't really me.

"How could it be used in a good way?" I ask, no one in particular, just into the air, letting my thoughts out into the open.

"You of all people should be able to answer that question the best. If they somehow made the tracker jacker venom not instill fear, but something else, they could take away the bad ones. Make you forget ever being in the Hunger Games." Jackson is the one to say this. Other's nod along with her as if to show their agreement, but I'm not sure if I agree as much as they do.

"Why would I want to forget all those precious memories? Everyday I pray I could have them back, to just know that they were real. Why would I so carelessly throw them away?" This makes everyone pause, stare at me, question why they ever thought it was a good idea.

"I didn't mean to be insensitive." Says Jackson.

"It's not your fault." I answer shyly, quietly.

"How bout we help you get those memories back?" Mitchell, another member in the squad asks. "I mean we don't know much, but if it's something major you have a question about we could probably answer."

"Yeah, how about you ask if something is real or not real, and we'll answer." Says Jackson right after.

It isn't hard to think of something, even the littlest details I couldn't be sure about.

"I was reaped into the 74th Hunger Games along with Katniss Everdeen who had volunteered for her sister." I say and then add, "Real or not real?"

Boggs is the first one to start talking, "Real." It really needed no more information. I had something more to stand on, something real that I could remember.

"Katniss tried to kill me on multiple accounts. Real or not real?" I say. This fact was shaky, I couldn't really be sure and Katniss never gave me a real straight answer that I could stand on. I needed someone to be brutally honest with me.

"Not real." Answers Boggs again, "She's only ever tried to protect you except when she thought you were with the careers, but even then she didn't directly try to kill you."

I pause and think about this one for a while; I didn't really know what to say after it. She wasn't trying to protect me anymore; that was for sure. When had she stopped caring?

After of minutes of contemplating this I come up with another question to ask and another and another, they seem to drop endlessly out of my mouth.

"_Most of the people from District Twelve were killed in the fire."_ I look up to see Katniss observing us; I wonder how long she had been standing there.

"_Real. Less than nine hundred of you made it to Thirteen alive." _A voice answers me, but I don't quite catch who it is. It doesn't really matter anyways as long as I get my answer.

"_The fire was my fault."_ I say. I had been told this once, back in the Capitol a bright light in my face, but I can't remember if I was told this under the influence of tracker jacker venom or not. Or if maybe it was just one big lie to make me feel guilty.

"_Not real. President Snow destroyed Twelve the way he did Thirteen, to send a message to the rebels."_ I remember thinking Snow was a good guy; I'm not sure why even an insane person would think so. How had he ever made me trust him? He ruined my home, killed my family. There were a lot of bad people in this world, but Snow, by far, was the worst.

I continue to ask real or not real questions and I continue to get answers. Little by little I begin to claim myself back again and though the list of questions seem endless I can see myself, way in the future, almost somewhat, happy.

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	30. Chapter 30

**Here's the next chapter! Enjoy! I do not own Mockingjay, any direct quotes will be in italics. **

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**Ch. 30**

I see her standing there, by herself, across the room. The first day of school was always confusing, where were your friends, was it a good teacher, but I could tell for Katniss Everdeen that it was harder. She stands awkwardly as she waits for the seats to fill up so she can take the one in the back that no one sits close to. I wish she knew how I felt about her.

One of my friends looks at me strangely and I enter back into their useless conversation. What was it that held me back from going to talk to her? Was it my friends? They shouldn't stop me; after all they had no idea how much my heart yearned for her and how much I needed her. How long would it be until I finally worked up the courage?

"Peeta, Peeta, wake up. There's breakfast." I jerk awake surprised that I actually got some sleep. It was hard having to sleep out side even with the sleeping bag that they gave me to keep me warm, but I guess after the night without sleep, my body needed it.

Katniss was the one to shake me awake, I'm surprised to see that she had the courage to do it. She has slowly beginning to warm up to me again as I begin to figure out who I was and where I came from. The dream I had last night could've been a memory, but I couldn't be sure.

I was young in my dream and so was she; her face did not show the sorrow that it does now. Maybe her dad was still alive; maybe it was before I had given her the bread. Is it true that I had loved her since the young age of five?

"I've loved you since kindergarten. Real or not real?" These are my first words to her in the morning, I had so much I needed answered that there was rarely time for chitchat.

"That's what you told me. It would make since, you giving me the bread, the way you dropped your eyes when I tried to thank you. I never noticed, not even when you flat out told the whole country. I'm sorry for that, for not believing." She says. The others are all standing around the small morning fire; I think we're going to go shoot footage today. Someone even said we would be going on a slightly dangerous street. I had learned that with Squad 451, there wasn't much fighting.

"You thought I was lying so you lied too, real or not real?" Her eyes drop to the ground as I ask this. It happens a lot, she must have been avoiding the answers to these questions for a long time.

"Yeah, I played along for the Games, but not all of it was fake Peeta. I almost died for you. I'm not heartless." She says. Believe it or not she has gotten a lot less defensive with the answers, realizing that I really had no clue.

"I know you're not heartless." I say. She turns around and walks to the rest of the squad. I begin to compose myself before we have to go out.

Boggs talks to us about what we'll be doing today, even handing me back my gun. Being sure to tell me that there are only blanks inside. I can't really pay attention to him or anyone though because all I can see is Pollux. There is something different about him, but I can't quite put my finger on it.

He reminded me of the people in the Capitol that would come in with sorry eyes and give me my food. They never intimidated me though because I knew somehow that they were in the same place as me. I figured out late into my time in the Capitol that they were avoxes and that was the reason for their lack of words.

That's when it clicks; the reason why he reminds me of them is because he is one. The way he swallows. It takes so much more effort than anyone else here. He has no tongue to assist him in doing it. I wonder how he finally became free of the Capitol's grip. Once you were an Avox you were usually summoned to a life of slavery in the Capitol. He truly is brave for coming back here.

"_You're an Avox, aren't you? I can tell by the way you swallow. There were two Avoxes with me in prison."_ They were punished; I shiver as I remember the night they were killed. Did that really happen? "_Darius and Lavinia, but the guards mostly called them the redheads."_ I see Katniss in the corner of my eye shiver. "_They'd been our servants in the Training Center, so they arrested them, too. I watched them being tortured to death. She was lucky. They used too much voltage and her heart stopped right off. It took days to finish him off. Beating, cutting off parts. They kept asking him questions, but he couldn't speak, he just made horrible animal sounds. They didn't want information, you know? They wanted me to see it." _

I really didn't know how long it had actually taken them, I had lost track of time when it happened, but it seemed like days.

All the others looked stunned as if the words I say are cold hearted, not the people that caused me to have such memories. I wait for them to say something, anything, but they all seem too shocked to say something. It's like they wouldn't think anybody could possibly do such cruel things. They had forgotten what they had done to me.

"_Real or not real?" _silence, only the dying fire crackling a little bit. "_Real or not real?!" _I demand.

"_Real."_ Boggs speaks up, "_At least, to the best of my knowledge…real."_

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	31. Chapter 31

**Here's the next chapter! Enjoy! I do not own Mockingjay, any direct quotes will be in italics. **

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**Ch. 31**

The Capitol is broken. Not the shiny streets with the laughing people and the sun shining overhead like they used to show us. Sure the streets are still bright colors, loud and obnoxious, but smoke rises up from unseen places and houses are deserted and glass is shattered all over the place.

I guess when I was young I had separated the Capitol into two separate things, the place where two of our own are shipped off to each year, and the beautiful place I always wanted to visit. Right now the two different Capitols have smashed into one and my mind feels as if it's in a whirl-wind.

I only half-listen to our goal, to destroy the few pods on the street, as I imagine how far away my torture chamber is. I wonder if the guards that made me so crazy and unstable are still there, doing the same exact thing to captured rebels. A chill runs through my spine, I hope no one will ever have to go through such things again.

I watch as everyone's hands go up, I don't quite know what's going on, only that soon we will be doing our mission. I know the important things, like when Gale hits the pod I duck and cover to not get killed by a bullet.

One of the camera people walk up to me and begin dabbing something on my face with rough movements, the only other person getting this done to is Katniss.

"Just some cover-up, you've had some rough nights." I haven't had the chance to look at myself in the mirror lately, maybe the lack of sleep has caused bags underneath my eyes, either way I don't see the point. We are at war, we should look tired, but I'll do whatever they tell me to do. I have to remind myself that I am lucky to be fighting.

They line us up, I'm near the back, I'm not sure why I even needed make-up if I won't really be on camera. Maybe I'll get some close ups, I notice one smaller camera just focused on me and me alone. This may make it look as if I am of importance in this mission, but I'm not, at all.

We begin to walk forward, Gale shoots the pod, we take cover, and when the bullets stop shooting Boggs says it's okay to move on. We are stopped by the head camera person, Cressida I think her name is, and told to redo our reactions.

It actually is not a solemn time, but almost a fun one as we all watch as each individual acts as if they are getting out of the way of the bullets. I even see a small smile come across Jackson's face for just one second.

"_Pull it together Four-Five-One." _Boggs tries to say this sternly, but it comes out with a smile in his voice and for one second everything seems perfect.

I mean obviously not perfect, perfect because we are at war with the Capitol that has oppressed us for so long and people are dying. My mind is not all there, at some points I think I'm insane. And I have conflicting feelings for a girl who seems to hate me at sometimes, but sometimes, sometimes, I see that look in her eyes like I am everything to her. And it's absolutely terrifying. So, no, definitely not perfect, but something close to it.

Because we were able to joke and smile, and even Boggs, who seemed so serious all the time, was smiling, but then after that second was gone everything changed.

The boom was loud and it hurt my ears and I felt as if I was losing control. I can't see anything, dark black, ugly smoke covers my eyes. I can't see anything.

…

I know only one thing, Katniss Everdeen is my enemy. Trained to kill me, trained to kill humanity. Is she here? Is she near me? I must kill her. She must be dead. I hear screaming and people yelling and I start to search frantically for the girl that always had a bow in her hand. I had her face memorized, I'm sure I could spot her from a mile away, if the smoke was not in my way.

Then I see her, the back of her head, such a small body for a trained killer. She's quick, but I'm strong. I grab her and force her down onto the ground. I find the large gun in my hand before I know what to do and then my arm brings it slamming down onto her face. She would've of been dead if she wasn't so quick.

Someone else gets a hold of me, but I force him into the air with the strength of my legs. I hear a snap and something red flies onto my face. It takes me a second to realize that I had just killed the man attacking me.

Two people grab me and hold onto me, but I won't go down with out a fight. I struggle in their arms and some one else cuffs my hands together. I'm thrown into a small dark room and I hear as they lock the door. I try to struggle, but I know it won't help, I begin to lose the fight with myself and pretty soon I'm falling asleep.

My last thought before I'm completely unconscious, I am the enemy, what have I done?

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**I really did not plan on not posting for a whole week, I'm really sorry. I don't want to turn into that person that updates once every month because I know everyone hates that! I'm really sorry, life got a hold of me this week and I just did not have time!**

**Last sunday after updating this I wrote something else I would be really happy if you went and checked it out, it's called Waking Up. I wanted it to be a one-shot, but I might do a couple more chapters if people want me to.**

**So, It's the one year anniversary of the movie! That's so exciting! Does any body have any good midnight premiere stories?**

**Don't forget to REVIEW on the way out! Thanks! ~boywithbreadlover**


	32. Chapter 32

**Here's the next chapter! Enjoy! I do not own Mockingjay, any direct quotes will be in italics.**

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**Ch. 32**

My mind creates something of peace, almost happiness, as my body tries to rest. I feel back in that second before the bomb had exploded and surely Boggs had died, before I had become a monster again.

I feel a battle going on in my head behind the perfect dream of sunsets and mornings baking cakes and long afternoons painting for Katniss. There is a struggle. Memories telling me to love Katniss, memories telling me to hate her. She is beautiful, the way she smiles rarely, how bright her grays eyes are, how she's always so stubborn about everything. I want to hold her, somehow, I want her in my arms again. It's a vague memory of her and I together, our hearts beating as one, and it isn't shiny. It's real, I tell myself.

And I want it, I want it now, or soon. I want to forget about the war and the people fighting. I want to forget that I had ever tried to kill her. I want to forget that Snow wanted to take me away from her. I just want her again. I want the relationship I can't quite remember with a girl my heart aches for all day and night.

It's not long before I remember why I am in this state between consciousness and sleep. It comes to me in little bits and pieces, the laughter before, the long moment of silence while we all knew a bomb was coming, the loud boom, the black smoke, the monster coming back; all of that comes in between good memories. My father teaching me how to frost, the little girl singing the valley song, the man that came by everyday singing a tune so beautiful that the birds were silent, the long nights in a cave I could never forget. It was confusing and it scared me, the way my mind shuffled back and forth between good and bad.

It was a sign, I tell myself, the way my mind handled things. My family, they were long gone, maybe even happy where ever they were.

The loud boom, something scary, disorienting, I felt as if I was falling.

Katniss with her two braids and red dress, singing with so much joy, it was almost heartbreaking, but I wasn't in this picture. She didn't need me then or any time after that. Katniss, the girl that claims to loves me, but looks at me with hatred, is better off with out me in her life.

The black smoke, taking over my eyes, clouding my head, making me lose myself.

Katniss' dad, long gone, like my family, only his presence haunted the whole of District Twelve. With the birds no longer able to listen to something more beautiful than them, it was depressing. But we all got passed it, we got used to just listening to the birds. As will everyone that ever cared about me when I'm gone.

The monster coming back. That's what made me make my final decision. The thing that pushed me over the edge. Haymitch was right, I wasn't safe out here. I should've never been aloud to come, but maybe it was for the best. Because if I had stayed, I wouldn't come to this decision. I knew it all along, that I would have to die, one time or another. I was no longer needed, I was killing innocent people. I didn't need anyone to fight to keep me alive any longer, it was my time to go. Like it was for Mags when she ran into that fog. It was almost peaceful, this conclusion I came to.

The one last memory my mind gave me, the nights in the cave, were one last fighting call to stay alive. There was happiness somewhere, out there, far away in the back of my mind with memories I'm not even sure are true. The cave, such a happy time in a horrible enviroment, not even those memories could force me to stay alive.

"The Mockingjay, Katniss Everdeen, flies no more. This is the best for our country and what we must do to move on from this." My hearing comes back and I listen to a news broadcast. I hear Katniss, obviously they have wrong information. It takes me a while to realize that they think we are dead. I must've missed something while being unconscious.

There's is various comments from different people as they go through the news broadcast, mostly happy. I learn mostly about what happened. They escaped the apartment right before peacekeepers had blown it up. Boggs was dead, Katniss was leading us on a mission to kill Snow, and everyone was tired and confused. It was lucky that we were pronounced dead, we'll have a few hours Jackson murmurs to herself.

I have to remind myself that I will not be able to continue this mission with them. I'll never get to see if Snow is defeated. I know he will though, if Katniss has any say in it he will. The news cast ends, I can almost hear a smile in the Capitol man's voice. It was so exciting to hear that we were dead. They had loved us only a year ago, what had happened?

_"So now that we're dead, what's our next move?"_ Gale asks, I open my eyes. No one is quite sure what to do, I see them searching their minds for something, anything.

_"Isn't it obvious?"_ I say and everyone looks to me, I'm not sure how they seem so composed around me, I had just killed one of their own. Did they really forgive me so easily? Didn't they want me dead?

_"Our next move...is to kill me." _I say, so easy. I was ready for it, wasn't I?

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**Well would you look at that, it didn't take me a whole week to update! Woo!**

**Don't forget to REVIEW on the way out! Thanks! ~boywithbreadlover**


	33. Chapter 33

**Here's the next chapter! Enjoy! I do not own Mockingjay, any direct quotes will be in italics. **

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**Ch. 33**

"_Don't be ridiculous,"_ says Jackson almost immediately. What had made them so protective of me? What stopped them from shooting me right here and now?

"_I murdered a member of our squad!"_ His name I couldn't remember, he was nice and older. People enjoyed him, he was breathing, living, hours ago and now he's gone, away. Dead. He probably has a family, children that mourn his death right now. I killed him. I am the cause for his death. I should be hated.

"_You pushed him off you. You couldn't have known he would trigger the net in the exact spot." _Such a silly excuse Finnick gives me.

"_Who cares? He's dead isn't he?" _Warm tears build in my eyes and begin to fall. I haven't felt this emotional about anything in a while. I wasn't needed anymore; I need to be killed. I don't want to be at the hands of another murder because I couldn't handle the monster inside me. "_I didn't know. I've never seen myself like that before." _The memories, in between normal ones, might have been the scariest thing I've ever seen before.

They were memories of my thoughts. Memories of wanting to kill Katniss, for what? Nothing more than some stupid lie the Capitol gave my brain. It was me, I was thinking them. I thought I was separate from the monster that we were two separate beings living in one, but I was far from right. I am the monster and nothing can change that.

"_Katniss is right. I'm the monster. I'm the mutt. I'm the one Snow has turned into a weapon!" _Tears spill out uncontrollably. I want this to be over with. I have never been more done with my life than I am right now.

I have memories, distorted ones, of wanting to sacrifice myself for Katniss, but there was still hope in them. The fight for life was still there. It was there until today; today I am sure that I must die. I am okay with that.

"_It's not your fault, Peeta." _Says Finnick. I think that's the thing that hurt the most, that it wasn't my fault because really it wasn't. I wasn't this way because I wanted to be. I didn't become a monster by will. I wouldn't be dying as myself.

"_You can't take me with you. It's only a matter of time before I kill someone else." _I look around the room mostly searching for Katniss, I find her. Her bright grey eyes show confliction, she remembers me. She yearns for the old Peeta, she sees the fight to get me back is over. I believe she is the only one in the room that would actually say it was okay to kill me. Maybe.

"_Maybe you think it's kinder to just dump me somewhere. Let me take my chances. But that's the same thing as handing me back to the Capitol. Do you think you'd be doing me a favor by sending me back to Snow?"_ I get a shutter out of everyone, especially Katniss. I am better off dead than back in the hands of Snow. I don't think I could handle any more torture.

"_I'll kill you before that happens." _Says Gale. And it's in sincerity. He's doing this because he does not want me back with Snow either. Gale, who had seemed to hate me just yesterday, wants me to stay alive. "_I promise." _

I look him in the eyes. I know he speaks the truth, I grab his hand and shake it, but it's not enough. "_It's not good. What if you're not there to do it? I want one of those poison pills like the rest of you have." _

They all had them in a secret compartment on their uniforms. I had the compartment too, but it was empty. They wouldn't even let me do it at the hands of myself.

There's silence all around us. I know what they are thinking, that I will do just that. That I will kill myself. They wouldn't put it past me, but I know what they want. They want me alive. I wouldn't do that, unless of course I felt the monster coming out, or the peacekeepers were coming to take me away. I kept this promise in my head. I would die when the time was right.

"_It's not about you. We're on a mission. And you're necessary to it." _Katniss looks me dead on the eye. I was wrong, not even she would kill me, and maybe she did still love me, somewhere. "_Think we might find some food here?"_

They do find food, an abundance of it. Capitol food. I do remember the good stuff, not the small rations they would give me each day. I remember our first trip here and Katniss loving that one dish, what was it? I believe she had talked about it in her interview. We had gotten it in the cave as well, such a good meal after a long time in the arena.

Then I see a can that I can only see part of the label, LAMB ST- and that's what I was thinking of. The lamb stew over rice with plums, that's the thing Katniss had loved most about the Capitol. I see her searching for something she might like; I grab the can and another one for myself. I see her half-heartedly pick up another can.

It will be a thank you, for fighting for me. Maybe even a pick me up, saying I remember.

"_Here."_ Her face contorts as she grabs it, a memory of a somewhat better time flashes through her head I'm sure.

"_Thanks. It even has dried plums."_ She says with nostalgia in her voice. It must be hard to reminisce with a boy you aren't even sure remembers.

* * *

**Okay so I won't be able to update until Saturday because I'll be out of town I'm so sorry, but you guys have probably gotten used to it by now so that sucks! I'm sorry! If you haven't checked out Waking Up, I would love it if you did!**

**Also, I was really excited to hear how you guys felt about my last chapter and I only got one review on it! If you could please take the time to tell me how you felt about it, that would be great! Feel free to PM me!**

**Don't forget to REVIEW on the way out! Thanks! ~boywithbreadlover**


	34. Chapter 34

**Here's the next chapter! Enjoy! I do not own Mockingjay, any direct quotes will be in italics. **

* * *

**Ch. 34**

Hatred courses through my veins at the sight of our evil President. It wasn't easy for me to hate someone; I always tried to look for the good in them, somewhere. But with President Snow I hadn't even tried because I knew there would be no good.

My untainted memories, before the age of twelve, showed that even when I was young and innocent I had hate for the man. I remember really watching the Hunger Games for the first time. I was seven and my dad had sat me down, held my hand, and told me, "Peeta, some things aren't fair in life. You remember Parker? He came into get bread every once in a while."

I had nodded. I had already noticed his absence, he would always joke around with me, and I liked him. I remember watching, as the Capitol escort before Effie had called him up, I didn't really know what it meant. Only that the kids that got called up each year never came back.

"Well, he's been reaped in the Hunger Games. You know what those are?" I had sat still because I knew I should, but I didn't really. He sighed and put his head in his hand and when he came back up his voice was much quieter. "Well son, a long time ago, before your grandpa was born, the District's weren't happy with the Capitol." He told me the whole story, the destruction of Thirteen included.

"Peeta, you have to watch this year. You're going to see Parker and he's not going to be happy like you remember him. Peeta, Parker's going to die." My dad had watched me as my face began to quiver.

"It's him isn't it? It's President Snow! He wants Parker to die!" I had screamed, loudly, surely Peacekeepers had heard me. I'm glad the ones in Twelve had grown to like us more than other Peacekeepers tended to.

In response my dad said nothing, because he knew full well that it was President Snow. My dad was a loving person, but not towards our snake-like President.

"Katniss Everdeen was nothing, but a poor girl from the seam with a stubborn will. She did not give you hope, she gave you a silly notion that change could happen. With Katniss Everdeen gone our country can continue to move forward." President Snow scoffs at the camera. I could give him one thing, he had a powerful voice when he used it right.

I watch Katniss through most of the broadcast, she looks removed, aloof, as if she really were dead. As if she was giving Snow what he wanted. Her face stays unchanging until suddenly the screen changes and there stands the fearless President Coin.

A brief introduction into who she is and then a counter argument to Snow, "_Dead or alive, Katniss Everdeen will remain the face of this rebellion. If ever you waver in your resolve, think of the Mockingjay, and in her you will find the strength you need to rid Panem of its oppressors."_ Away from Coin to a picture of Katniss, that doesn't really look like Katniss, it's not really the face of the rebellion, but a heavily edited picture of a girl who would never, could never, look that fake. People didn't know that though, they only knew Katniss Everdeen from the games, and there she was beautiful by Cinna's hand and through this picture I could have sworn he was still alive.

President Snow comes back, he looks angry, but only if you look hard enough, "_Tomorrow morning, when we pull Katniss Everdeen's body from the ashes, we will see exactly who the Mockingjay is. A dead girl who could save no one, not even herself."_ And then he's off and I'm left with his last line lingering in my mind.

They start making a plan that I can't hear and soon they are starting to clean the room, but I stay stuck to the couch because what if she couldn't save herself? Katniss was strong, but I was bigger, I had muscles. I knew how to handle a gun and if I got a hold of hers she would be as dead as President Snow thought she was. Then Katniss really would never be able to save any one, not even herself as Snow had said. I don't want to be in the way of that.

"Come on, let's head out." Says Jackson and they all move towards the place they had decided we would go. They would travel underground, I had heard, but I wasn't sure because I wasn't listening very well.

"_I'm not going. I'll either disclose your position or hurt someone else." _I say.

"_Snow's people will find you." _Says Finnick, thinking he's got me there, but he doesn't, not really. I would rather be given back to Snow than be responsible for Katniss' death.

"_Then leave me a pill. I'll only take it if I have to." _I say.

"_That's not an option. Come along." _I could tell that Jackson wasn't used to non-sense like this. Her voice didn't sound very threatening and it didn't make me want to go anymore than I had before.

"_Or you'll what? Shoot me?" _I ask. The best solution, I think.

"_We'll knock you out and drag you with us. Which will both slow us down and endanger us."_ Homes says this. I was in a room with a bunch of stubborn people and we were getting nowhere.

"_Stop being noble! I don't care if I die! Katniss, please. Don't you see, I want to be out of this?"_ I'm looking right at her and she's looking right back at me and her gray eyes catch in mine. My only reason for living, my only reason for dying. And somewhere in there I see that she gets me. I see that it won't be right now, but before soon she will let me die.

"_We're wasting time. Are you coming voluntarily or do we knock you out?"_ Katniss says her voice rising. I bury my head in my hands, what Homes said was true, it would slow them down knocking me out. But maybe having to carry me around would cause them to want to get rid of me. And I did see that look in Katniss, she would give in soon enough.

I make my decision to go peacefully in hopes that I can soon die peacefully and stand to join them.

* * *

**I really liked writing that first part, I love Peeta's dad. The little that is portrayed of him in the books is a kind gentle man and he's fun to expand on even though, I haven't done much! Thanks for bearing with me as it took forever to update!**

**Don't forget to REVIEW on the way out! Thanks! ~boywithbreadlover**


	35. Chapter 35

**Here's the next chapter! Enjoy! I do not own Mockingjay, any direct quotes will be in italics.**

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**Ch. 35**

Going underground the Capitol is finding what the Capitol really was. A dark, dank place of lies. The whole day is spent with me moving my feet, one slow step in front of the other. I walk from the very back with Gale helping me if I start to go slack. I never thought I would grow to appreciate him.

Pollux, the avox I had discovered earlier, had worked down here for five years and knew the place like the back of his hand. Each one of them had a skill that could help us in one way or another. I was the only one really holding them back.

A rest finally comes after a long day of trudging through the endless tunnels, but when I lay down to sleep I can't find it in me. Something stops me, a smell, the darkness, I'm not sure. It seemed too much like the torture chamber that I lost myself in. I felt like at any moment someone could come in with a syringe and in the end I would have made no progress at all. Katniss would be a to me mutt again. I would be a full on mutt again. I don't want that, I think to myself, it was too lonely.

Even here I'm lonely, but there are people, and they are fighting for me. I feel something, something more than hatred.

So even though I was tired and even though my brain ached for unconsciousness, I could not sleep, not a wink. I was too full of fear. Fear that people should never have. It's long and boring watching people sleep, their chests going up and down, their eyes fluttering every so often. I wonder what they dream of, is it peaceful?

It took me a few minutes to notice that not only Jackson was still awake, but Pollux as well. He sat near to me and I realized that it was cruel to try and have a conversation with an avox, but I felt a connection with him. We had both been ridiculed by the Capitol. We both knew what it felt like to be nothing.

"They really strip you of your dignity." I say this to him and him alone, I'm not sure Jackson even knows I'm awake. "I felt like nothing as I'm sure you did down here. I'm sorry for what they did to you." That's all I say to him and then turn my head away and in the corner of my eye I see him shake his head. I'm not sure what for. For my apology?

It was stupid how people put the blame on themselves for things like death and loss. "I lost my last shred of dignity." "I'm sorry." I could see the slap in the face I had just given him.

"I meant, I know." I say to him, one last thing. This time I see no movement, only him staring straight into the darkness.

I close my eyes, but still sleep doesn't come. I hear Jackson go to wake someone and in return I hear the rushed whisper of Katniss' tired voice answer back. It's not long before I feel her presence near.

"_Have you eaten?"_ she asks me in a hushed whisper. I shake my head, I hadn't felt my empty stomach until she asked, but now it was the only thing on my mind. I hear her open a can and give it to me. It smelled good, too good, and my stomach ached for all of it at that very second.

I sat up and chugged it down, only pausing once for a breath.

_"Peeta, when you asked about what happened to Darius and Lavinia, and Boggs told you it was real, you said you thought so. Because there was something shiny about it. What did you mean?"_ Pure hope leaks through her voice, not hatred, not loss, but hope. She really was beautiful, even in the dark, even with black smudges on her face.

"_Oh. I don't know exactly how to explain it." _I pause remembering the memories that I knew for sure weren't real, with that shiny tint to them. How was I supposed to explain that? It was as hard as explaining a color to a blind person, or how to walk to the legless, you had to have felt the effects of tracker jacker venom to really know.

"_In the beginning, everything was just complete confusion. Now I can sort certain things out. I think there's a pattern emerging. The memories they altered with the tracker jacker venom have this strange quality about them. Like they're too intense or the images aren't stable." _Then I remember, Katniss had felt the effects of tracker jacker venom. "_You remember what it was like when we were stung?" _

Katniss stays silent for a minute, remembering back to the events that must seem almost peaceful now. What I wouldn't give to be back in the caves, at least there I was still me.

"_Trees shattered. There were giant colored butterflies. I fell in a pit of orange bubbles," _pause, "_Shiny orange bubbles." _She adds.

"_Right. But nothing about Darius or Lavinia was like that. I don't think they'd given me any venom yet." _I say.

"_Well, that's good, isn't it? If you can separate the two, then you can figure out what's true." _She doesn't say it, but I can hear it. Then I could have you back, then you could become Peeta again. But what she doesn't get is that it is nearly as impossible as Prim's name being drawn at the reaping. Possible, but unlikely.

"_Yes. And if I could grow wings, I could fly. Only people can't grow wings, real or not real?" _It's added for extra measure to show that it won't happen, and if even if it could I would probably be dead before then.

"_Real, but people don't need wings to fly." _She doesn't look at me, the hope leaking out of her voice with each word. She's tired and lost. I have a feeling she didn't want this huge party with her on her mission to kill Snow. But she's strong and brave, a Mockingjay, wanting to find hope in a Jabberjay.

"_Mockingjays do." _I whisper. There's one last sip in the soup and I take it, handing the can back to Katniss.

She looks at me hopelessly hopeful. I was wrong about her being the only one wanting to kill me, because as long as there was hope I would not be dying on her watch. She loved me plain and simple, she watched over me almost as much as she did her sister.

"_There's still time. You should sleep."_ I listen to her and lay down, hoping that maybe sleep will come.

She touches my head and begins to smooth my hair and though the monster in me rejects, my body aches for it, so I'm glad she continues.

"_You're still trying to protect me. Real or not real?"_ I say, one final question before I shut my eyes.

"_Real. Because that's what you and I do. Protect each other." _And that's what I needed, some indication that she did care. And that's finally when my body lets me sleep.

But it isn't long before my body turns back on and through my lips a name whispered with hatred, "_Katniss," _released in a hiss meant to kill.

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**This is actually one of my favorite parts in the whole series. Believe it or not it's my favorite book, there's just so emotion in it and Katniss comes to face with a lot of things. I especially like this part because of how Everlark saturated it is. I love the, "Because that's what you and I do. Protect each other." It's Katniss realizing this and Peeta seeing that she really does love him. I really hope I did it justice! **

**I updated two days in a row! It's a miracle!**

**Don't forget to REVIEW on the way out! Thanks! ~boywithbreadlover**


	36. Chapter 36

**Here's the next chapter! Enjoy! I do not own Mockingjay, any direct quotes will be in italics. (I do have a part at the beginning that isn't taken from the book that is in italics. Those are my words, not Suzanne's.)**

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**Ch. 36**

"_Katniss." _The name slips through my mouth again. A wall has gone up between the monster and I and it fights it's way through. Making progress rather quickly while I try to rebuild it just as fast as he destroys it. A memory comes through the cracks.

_"Katniss is no more than a killer. She has killed thousands, thousands, Peeta. You think we can go on with her living like this?" President Snow questions me. The new clothes they had given me felt way more comfortable than the ones before. And I felt comfortable with Snow; he kept me safe, somehow. _

"_No sir." I answer, my face taut. I felt sick, but not in the physical way. Katniss had gone on making a country believe that she was good, but she wasn't. How was she still alive? I gulp at the idea of us being plunged into a revolution. No good can come from that. _

_ "Yes, yes. Follow me, Peeta." I stand and begin to follow him as he talks along the way, "We have been creating muttations to help us get rid of her. Come Peeta, let me take you on a little tour." _

…

"_Katniss," _hisses through my mouth, one last final time before I realize what is happening. The mutts, they're coming. We hadn't fooled Snow for long, he knew. I could picture him back in his large office, smiling with delight at the idea that Katniss Everdeen was going to die at the hands of his many creations. And how great he must think it is that he had trained me to respond to them, but the wall was there and I was becoming strong. I would not let the mutts decide what I would do. I made the decisions.

I bolt up from my sleeping position, "_Katniss!" _she's alert, ready. I barely notice the arrow pointed at my heart, "_Katniss! Get out of here!" _I scream! The steady hiss of whatever creation Snow had sent out was coming nearer. I knew I could control my inner mutt, but I knew that the real mutts only had one goal, to kill Katniss. If they got here all of us would be dead, and Snow, back in his office, would win. Just like always.

"_Why? What's making that noise?"_ she asks, utterly confused. Her bow drops just a little, though I could be shot if the wall between my monster and I was broken down.

"_I don't know. Only that it has to kill you." _I answer, "_Run! Get out! GO!"_ I realize that with out trying I had fulfilled what Katniss had said earlier. That we protect each other. I knew one thing, and one thing only; I did not want her dead. I wanted her, needed her, alive and breathing.

Katniss searches the room quickly, looking at each of the distressed tired faces. "_Whatever it is, it's after me. It might be a good time to split up." _Katniss said. She was tired of being at the fault of all those deaths. I was too, but I wouldn't let her die on some heroic notion. She needed to live.

"_But we're your guard."_

_ "And your crew." _

_ "I'm not leaving you." _Says Gale pleading with his eyes. He also needed her alive, almost as much as I did. I couldn't explain how powerful this need was for her, only that I could not imagine a world without Katniss Everdeen in it.

We leave the room shortly after that and are on the run. The mutts are surely behind us, but the hissing is gaining much quicker than I would have liked. It takes everything in me to keep the wall up inside of me, if I let it fall then they will have a much bigger problem on their hands and they didn't need that right now. The running was physically taxing, but inside my mind I felt as if my brain was exploding from too much exertion. You can only fight yourself for so long.

Loud guttural screams erupt from behind us. "_Avoxes. That's what Darius sounded like when they tortured him." _

_ "The mutts must have found them." _

_ "So they're not just after Katniss." _I'm not quiet sure who is speaking, I only know that we must keep moving forward if we want to get Katniss out of here safely.

"_They'll probably kill anyone. It's just that they won't stop until they get to her."_ It's Gale who says this, I know because of the urgency in his voice.

_"Let me go on alone. Lead them off. I'll transfer the Holo to Jackson."_ Katniss says.

"_No one's going to agree to that!" _screams Jackson, in almost as much hurry as I am.

"_We're wasting time." _Finnick says this, so much urgency in his voice, but not for Katniss, no not at all, it's for the poor crazy girl at home that was promised something. Annie, who sits patiently for her one true love to come home.

"_Listen." _I say to get them back on track. The monsters were getting nearer. We begin to run again and it's not long before I see Messalla caught in the rays of something dangerous, everyone looks shocked and doesn't know what to do, but all I can hear is the steady hissing. We had to move. We could be sad about his death later.

"_Can't help him! Can't!" _and we're moving again. But that's when the mutts appear and we must keep moving. They're gross, lizard like creatures that hiss, just like Snow. A giant meat grinder activates, and we keep moving. Two stay behind, Jackson and Leeg One, they were sacrificing themselves for the Mockingjay.

We're running for an exit, others firing stuff at them, closer they get, closer we get to the exit. It's my goal to get Katniss out alive; I must get Katniss out alive. I begin to climb and Cressida follows and then Katniss and then Pollux and then Gale and I search frantically for Finnick. Where's Finnick? He can't die. He CAN'T die, I'm screaming in my head. And Katniss tries to fight for him too, but Gale won't let her go to get him.

Annie, back in Thirteen, does not know she will never get to see her husband again.

I hear the helpless cry of Katniss, "_Nightlock, nightlock, nightlock." _As I hear the boom go off I think one final thought before I'm lost to the world.

Finnick was so much more than any of us.

* * *

**And there you have it the worst and saddest death of the whole entire series. *Cries***

**Well, this is a really sad moment, but Jabberjay was nominated for the REBEL awards which is a really cool and awesome thing! I'll put the link below and it would be really awesome if you went and voted for me!**

**Don't forget to REVIEW on the way out! Thanks! ~boywithbreadlover**

** u/4369946/ THIS IS THE LINK TO safeandsound12's profile where you can vote for me! Thanks if you take the time to do this!**


	37. Chapter 37

**Here's the next chapter! Enjoy! I do not own Mockingjay, any direct quotes will be in italics.**

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**Ch. 37**

"_Peeta," _Katniss' voice is detached, but urgent. She calls for me as if I was her own. As if she loved me more than anything. Where had this come from?

The monster screams, pushing against the wall that now began to crumble. Katniss? She was the monster. She was the target. She was supposed to die.

Katniss? I loved her. She was my everything. I would do anything for her.

I wrench my fingers up against the cuffs, as if I could control my fingers, I could control my mind. It wasn't true that lie I told myself, I was falling apart, I was about to break. A small grasp on a cliff that over looks a deep canyon, I was about to die, and it wasn't going to be at the hands of a poisonous pill, or even a gun, but my own subconscious. The little Peeta Mellark that was still there was now barely breathing. How was I even still able to think?

"_Peeta," _She says it again, more urgent, her small hands grasp my hands away from my face. It's a split reality. She was beautiful, but oh, so ugly. Her small stature was comforting, but so horribly evil. The wall I had put up only hours ago was now crumbling into oblivion. I prepared for the explosion.

Goodbye, I will miss you, your beauty.

I'm not sure who this is whispered to, Katniss? For her love? Or the world, even after all the horrible things it had done to me, it had given me this life, and Katniss, and the sunsets that I hadn't painted in ages.

Clarity.

I remember back, clearly, to the day of the reaping. I remember vividly how it felt to feel my stomach fall to the ground, how utterly helpless I felt, how I was kind of happy to hear my name called, though at the same time I wasn't. And I remember, those nights in the cave, in between safety and danger. So perfect. I remember the long nights in the train were she let herself open up to me. I remember the day on the roof before we went back in. I wish I was back there, right now. On the beach when I begged her to live, when I realized hopelessly that she wouldn't listen to me. I see it with out the tainted shininess, they're real and they're mine and they give me something, but not enough.

"_Leave me," _I say to her, so perfect, her grey eyes, so lovely her lips are, "_I can't hang on." _The monster has become more evident and I can't grasp at the memories I had just seen anymore, they have slipped out of my fingers quicker than anything else has before. An alarm to run signals in my brain, but a conflicting call to cease fire also calls through. I am about to die.

"_Yes. You can!" _A call to fight, a call to go on, still not enough. She hangs onto my hands tightly though I'm sure the grip is restricting blood to her fingers. Right now I don't think she cares. She is losing me, her love, she just has not accepted it yet. Like my Dad, after all those years, still looking longingly at her mother. It's never expected of one to forget about the love of their life, but there is a time when you must let go.

"_I'm losing it. I'll go mad. Like them." _I could feel it coming. I could feel the adrenaline pulsing quickly through my veins. I could imagine the pain, and loss, and turmoil that was about to happen at my hands. They needed to flee. They needed to leave. I would cause nothing but grief.

I can't stop her from moving forward, or even run away from her lips on my mouth. A part of me that isn't me at all jerks through out my body and tries to kill her. But another part that is me, all me, takes the power away from the part that isn't me. The memories weren't enough and the words weren't enough, but the kiss, so rushed and urgent and powerful was. I remember the first time, I was nearly dead, like now, and the kiss wasn't nearly so passionate. How foolish had I been to believe that, that kiss had been real, because this kiss right now was the realest thing I had ever experienced before.

The monster, tries to gain strength, but I have already began to rebuild the wall, and it calls out one final time when she removes her lips from mine. For one second it makes her look evil, but then right after the wall is made firm again.

"_Don't let him take you away from me." _She whispers urgently with rough breaths into my ear. I was foolish for ever thinking that she didn't care for me.

"_No. I don't want to…" _It's an answer to my monster, to her too. I didn't want to die and I didn't want Snow to win. Because the thing was, he already had with Finnick and Mags and my family and Boggs and Rue, sweet, Rue. He had already won so many times and I didn't want him to win anymore.

"_Stay with me." _Says Katniss, her eyes waiting for the response that I remember perfectly. I would never leave her, I had made that promise ages ago.

"_Always," _I answer breathlessly.

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**This chapter was very emotional to write and to read it after writing. I hope you like my interpretation on the hijacking and how I separate him from the monster. I find it best to write it that way, because I never saw Peeta as the enemy, he honestly never could be, it was what Snow did to him that made him the enemy. It's not him, it's the monster. **

**Please, I do really want your opinion on this one, if you would please take the time to review it would be much appreciated. I also like it when people PM me! Thanks! ~boywithbreadlover**


	38. Chapter 38

**Here's the next chapter! Enjoy! I do not own Mockingjay, any direct quotes will be in italics.**

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**Ch. 38**

We're out and into an apartment not shortly after Katniss had somehow rebuilt the wall inside of me. I don't feel sick at the causality of the lady that lived here because the thoughts of Finnick's death are too fresh in my mind. This lady was not as brave as he, nor as loyal, nor as loving. If he didn't get to live then none of us should and definitely not this Capitol women, who probably rooted for the death of Finnick not many years before.

Katniss didn't think twice about shooting the arrow that ended her life, but I doubt she had Finnick in mind. She walks with the strides of a Victor. I remember this, way back in the contours of my mind, so easily killing because she had to. I remember having to re-watch as Rue was shot dead and how she, with out a second thought, had killed the tribute at fault for her death.

I shiver; the monster was still present. I dig my hands into the cuffs to try and gain some footing in the midst of my insanity, but I must dig in deep to do this. I don't feel pain, only relief that the monster stays back.

I try to get some clarity to help them search the apartment, but I know that if I start doing something other than trying to hold the monster back then the monster would come back.

They had decided that he needed to change our clothes to be able to fit amongst the other Capitol citizens. We had to be on the move, always on the move, or else Snow would find us.

Katniss finds the women's closet and calls us in to change. I did not notice how horribly bloody my hands were until I see Katniss reach for the key. I jerk away from her, in the way Annie used to jerk away from the guards when they tried to help her walk. Every crazy person had something they needed to keep some handle on the world. Annie, her independence while walking, me these dirty handcuffs.

"_No. Don't. They help hold me together." _I say, once again wrenching my hand deeper into the skin.

"_You might need your hands," _says Gale.

"_When I feel myself slipping, I dig my wrist into them and the pain helps me focus."_ That's all they needed to turn away from me and dig into the closet. None of them needed me turning on them now, they knew there had to boundaries.

We get dressed up quickly and are out of the petty Capitol apartment in no time. It's lucky we have someone from the Capitol with us; Cressida searches her mind for someone she might know and finally comes up with one. She says it isn't ideal, but neither is what we're doing. In times of revolution sacrifice needs to take place.

We reach the place she talks about and Cressida puts on a Capitol charade. It's obvious where she grew up; I wonder what made her come to her senses. I felt a strong need to know her story, but I knew it would be a while before I even got the chance to ask her those sort of questions.

We were on a mission to kill Snow, and our plan of action wasn't even hammered out. We don't even know if this person will let us stay with them.

The lady behind the counter is something I never could have dreamed up. She looked like a cat, whiskers and all. She looked familiar, but vaguely. I wondered if there were more Capitol people that looked like this. To me it looked like an enhancement gone wrong.

Cressida reveals herself and in a hushed voice, with that thick Capitol accent says, "_Tigris. We need help." _The name rings a bell, a person from the Games. I remember my parents gawking at her outrageous costumes that she would put her tributes in. She was much less toned down back then, I wonder what happened.

I could never picture Portia like this. Portia. I have to remind myself that she died. She never would get to live in Twelve like she told me she would be doing once the 75th Games were over. I shiver. What had she done?

"_Plutarch said you could be trusted," _adds Cressida. The lady looks as if she needs more convincing and so Katniss steps out of the darkness and into the light to reveal herself. I wonder what went through Tigris' head. There she was, the Mockingjay, a girl wanted dead for all she did, asking for protection.

This convinces the small old woman that did not look like a woman anymore. A low growl escapes her mouth, I wonder if she even speaks real words anymore. She slinks away and in a few minutes comes back to wave us forward. The room she leads us to is small and dark, and reminds me (only a little) of what I was tortured in. A shiver runs down my back, was she really to be trusted?

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**Hey guys, I'm sorry that took forever to update, if you didn't see my little thing that I posted I think Monday, I was really busy last week and did not have the time to write! I'm also sorry this was so short, it was a transition chapter and the next one shall be longer. Also if you didn't see the thing I put up on Monday ((I took it off now because I'm FINALLY updating)) I would like to know what your favorite part of the beautiful trailer was! Tell me in the reviews or if you would like to that a conversation about the perfection you can PM me, I love to talk to all of Y'all!**

**Don't forget to REVIEW on the way out! Thanks! ~boywithbreadlover**


	39. Chapter 39

**Here's the next chapter! Enjoy! I do not own Mockinjay, any direct quotes will be in italics.**

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**Ch. 39**

Gale is the one who most needs medical attention, I hadn't noticed until now that he could have died along with Finnick. One of the mutts had bit him and large gash was cut into his neck. I knew why I had not noticed, but I felt bad that I could not help in any way.

Katniss tries to be gentle with her hands; I see her with a set determination in her eyes. But there was a difference between Katniss and her sister-whom could heal Gale within a matter of seconds-Katniss' hands shook. She was scared to death.

I knew I used to be jealous of Gale, partly because Haymitch had told me, and partly because I still felt it somewhere inside of me now. I wasn't jealous of him because he knew Katniss better or because I was afraid that with him in the picture I would be left out in the cold alone. This jealousy was different, and though I couldn't quite put my finger on it, I could feel it. I could not tell you how grateful I am to feel something more than sadness and hatred.

I am now minutes between wrenching my fists up against the cuffs to deny the monster the right to break down my walls. I am starting to actually feel the pain, which is nice. I had decided that physical pain was much better than emotional pain. Through emotion I could get lost, but pain brought me back. It reminded me that in the end I was nothing more than Peeta Mellark. A baker's son who got reaped in the Hunger Games and fell in love with a beautiful creature and was made mad at the hands of the Capitol.

Emotional pain made me insane; physical pain kept me grounded.

Katniss somehow finds her way to me and leads me over to where a small faucet is. She doesn't say anything, but words were not needed. At least I could see her beauty again. The Victor that she was only minutes ago in the apartment is long gone. I now see the vulnerable girl from the Seam, scared, lost without her father.

Her hands don't shake as bad as she begins to wipe the blood from my wrists, but I see the girl that brought me back to life in the arena. Remembering it was hard for me; most of what I remembered was shiny. Some, bits and pieces, was what I was really looking for. How concerned she looked when she had first uncovered my leg. How utterly helpless she looked when she first saw the dark red running up towards my heart. I do remember that. Gratefully I accept the long lost memories.

She works efficiently on my hands and not until she has carefully placed the bandages on does she speak, "_You've got to keep them clean, otherwise the infection could spread and—" _She stops; this situation seemed too real.

"_I know what blood poisoning is, Katniss."_ I stop. I remember it and it was fresh. I had to let her know that I knew what she was to me. What she is to me. "_Even if my mother isn't a healer."_ I let out.

"_You said that same thing to me in the first Hunger Games. Real or not real?" _The roles have been reversed, Katniss testing my memories and not me testing hers.

"_Real. And you risked your life getting the medicine that saved me?"_

_ "Real. You were the reason I was alive to do it." _I did not remember that. I did not remember risking my life for hers. I did not remember saving her at all.

"_Was I?_" The monster tries hard now, seeing an opportunity to break through. I search for the memory at the same time looking for something to tell me about what she meant. But the search was hopeless because my mind was tired, I was tired, and if I tried any hard we would have a much bigger problem on our hands. "_I'm so tired, Katniss."_ I whisper.

"_Go to sleep." _

Except I don't trust myself with sleeping, so I ask her to shackle me to the staircase. Which she does, but I can see she isn't very happy about it.

Sleep finds me and when it does I find no dreams. I am thankful for the little unconsciousness I get, but even so it isn't long.

When I wake up I see only Cressida awake, her wide eyes stare in no general direction, just somewhere. She looked lost, but all of us were lost. I had never directly talked to her, but something in me made me want to. She was from the Capitol, yet she acted as if she was one of us.

"Why?" My voice sounds dry and parched. She looks away from where ever her eyes were to me.

She stands up and fills a cup with water and comes over to me.

"What?" She asks me. I accept the water and drink the whole cup before speaking again.

"Why did you join us?" I ask.

"Join you?" She looks at me confused for a second. She shakes her head and looks away up towards the door that leads out through Tigris' shop and into the cold Capitol. She doesn't turn back to me when she begins to speak again. "Peeta, I never was this. I never stood for any of this evil. I don't know why, but I didn't see any justice in it. I was told again and again and again about how the Districts deserved it and that it was entertaining. But you, Peeta Mellark, never deserved any of this. Neither did Katniss, or Finnick, or Johanna, or any other tributes." Her words are simple, but they make my eyes overflow. I had come across few Capitol people that were compassionate. I was glad to find another.

"But you're risking your life. For what? A boy who's insane, a girl who never wanted of any of this?" I try and lean my head back, but it's too uncomfortable. I arrange myself so my hands sit in front of me, it is, at least, a little better.

"I'm risking my life for more than just that, Peeta, I'm risking my life for a better tomorrow. I once did an interview of a tribute's mom something like 8 years ago and for the life of me I can't remember what tribute it was. I hate myself for my horrible memory, they deserve to be remembered, but my mind is all over the place. But anyways, this mom, she was small, but she had this determination in her eyes, like she was ready for anything. Like…" she pauses and searches for the right words.

"Like she had already prepared for the death of her child. And I had asked her out of pure curiosity what kept her going after all of this. I remember it vividly, she had turned her head away for a split second and then turned back to me and she stared into what seemed to be my soul and out of her mouth slipped, 'It's because I feel like tomorrow will be kinder.'" She pauses and looks at me before going back in, "I'm risking my life for a kinder tomorrow."

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**A couple of things. **

**One, I wrote a one-shot of Cressida's back story, I hadn't thought about her much before Wednesday, but then I suddenly wanted to know, so if you would like to read it ((nice companion to this chapter)) please go check it out and review! It's called Cressida: Her Story.**

**Two, I recently got a review on the 18th chapter of The Fate Games ((my first ever fanfic and the beginning of this whole thing)) saying that I had only one side of Peeta portrayed and that I only focused on his love for Katniss, please tell me I have added more to his character than just that! I feel like if that's all I've portrayed through these stories then I've done a horrible job at attempting this. So if you would please tell me what you think about this person's comment so I can improve if needed. **

**Third, well I have nothing third. Well I guess I kind of do... nah, I'll tell you guys later.**

**Don't forget to REVIEW on the way out! Thanks! ~boywithbreadlover**


	40. Chapter 40

**Here's the next chapter! Enjoy! I do not own Mockingjay, any direct quotes will be in italics.**

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**Ch. 40**

It was early morning when Katniss came clean about things. It was clear to all of us that it wasn't anyone's plan, but hers to go kill Snow. She just hadn't noticed. She put the deaths of everyone that had recently died, on herself. So foolish. If we truly wanted to do that, every death in this whole war was our fault. We started it. We started the unrest that started the rebels that started the war. Every death could be put on the heads of just Katniss and I.

She claims that since they thought it was orders from Boggs or Coin that they died unjustly, but she has no idea how dead they all wanted Snow as well.

Cressida and Gale try to argue with her. Pollux stays silent because that's his only choice, but I stay silent because I feel like my opinion won't be valid. I remember way back before we had even gone into the Games how little power she gave herself. She always puts herself below, always puts the blame on other people. She does not know that people would die for her with out a second thought. I know I would, all broken and crazy, _with out a second thought_.

She looks frustrated when she turns to me, frustrated and haunted. Yesterday had finally caught up to her, "_What do you think, Peeta?"_ she says.

"_I think…you still have no idea. The effect you can have." _I felt silly wanting to say something so strong, yet being chained to a staircase. No one ever really listened to the insane, "_None of the people we lost were idiots. They knew what they were doing. They followed you because they believed you really could kill Snow."_

This stops her, for just a second. She then remembers where she is and what those people died for and she pulls herself together.

This is when the plan to assassinate Snow began, real planning. It would be no more running blindly through the Capitol, hoping without hope that we would find him and be able to kill him. I let my opinion into this conversation and answer questions when I am asked them. I wanted Snow dead as much as Katniss did, maybe even more.

We don't get much time to plan because Tigris calls us up for food. What ever we plan, it won't be simple.

Later that night I find myself not able to sleep. Maybe it was the way Katniss had talked earlier, so guilty, so lost. I know that she was normally like this, taking the blame for everything, but not in extreme conditions like this. I know that she has her mind focused on Snow now, but I still never know with her.

Most of the night is spent with me staring at her, watching as her chest goes up and down, up and down. Occasionally her eyes will flutter and I wonder what she dreams of, if she even dreams at all.

"You're awake?" Gale calls out to me sometime later than I would've expected any of the others to be awake.

"Yeah." My throat cracks like it had the night before. "Would you mind getting me some water?" I watch as he gets the water and brings it to me. I hadn't really ever thought of Gale much, no more than the jealous memories that I had of him, but I realize now how strong he is. Not physically, though he is that too, but emotionally.

He had to watch his best friend, whom he loved I am sure, fall in love with the baker's son. How mad he must've of been at me. How much he must've hated me.

I remember when he had been whipped and I had watched outside the window as she had kissed him. I may have had my memories taken away from me, but I remember this vividly. I don't think I ever really forgot it.

I remember the way her face had looked, how scared her eyes had been, how her hand brushed his face so lovingly. How lost I had been because she had never looked at me that way, not even when I was five seconds away from death. She loved him, truly and irrevocably.

Even the way she had looked at him yesterday as she had fixed his wound, Katniss would never stop loving her hunting partner.

I did get something close to that look, but it still wasn't it. Yesterday, after Finnick had died and I begged them to go and she wouldn't let me and right before she kissed me she looked at me and her eyes pleaded for me and her hands yearned for me. Katniss loved me.

She loved us both, just differently.

"_Thanks for the water." _I say to him and he sits down next to me, helping me guide the liquid into my mouth.

"_No problem. I wake up ten times a night anyway."_ I never thought of Gale to be the kind of person to not be able to sleep. But then I remember all he had been through and I realize even the strongest people have their demons.

"_To make sure Katniss is still there?"_ As I say this I look over to where she is. Still there. Still breathing.

"_Something like that."_ He answers me.

Earlier today Tigris had said something that had stuck with me. It was so true about Katniss in so many ways. "_That was funny, what Tigris said. About no one knowing what to do with her." _It applied to Gale and I, I knew that much. It was always a constant back and forth.

"_Well, we never have." _I laugh. This conversation was so light, but so heavy at the same time. It was nice to let my mind off of such serious things. It was nice to be able to relax.

"_She loves you, you know. She as good as told me after they whipped you."_ He had to know. He had to see it, but if I was doubting that Katniss ever loved me; I bet he was as well.

"_Don't believe it. The way she kissed you in the Quarter Quell…well, she never kissed me like that."_

_ "It was just part of the show." _I lie to comfort him. The truth of the matter was that she loved us both.

"_No, you won her over. Gave up everything for her. Maybe that's the only way to convince her you love her."_ I stay silent. Katniss knew very well that Gale loved her. There was no matter there. She was just so used to giving love that she never knew how to receive it. Her mother never gave it to her after her father died and then she had to give all of hers to Prim. Katniss confused us because she was complex, but that's one of the reasons I love her.

"_I should have volunteered to take your place in the first Games. Protected her then."_ He says this almost silent. A whispered regret.

"_You couldn't. She would have never forgiven you. You had to take care of her family. They matter more to her than her life."_ What I say is true and Gale knows it.

"_Well, it won't be an issue much longer. I think it's unlikely all three of us will be alive at the end of the war. And if we are, I guess it's Katniss's problem. Who to choose. We should get some sleep." _I take this as a surrender. Gale was nice and I liked him. We shouldn't let Katniss stand between us because he was right; it wasn't up to us.

"_Yeah. I wonder how she'll make up her mind."_ I say before readjusting myself so that I can actually let myself sleep.

"_Oh, that I do know. Katniss will pick whoever she thinks she can't survive with out." _He says this and then he's gone away, back to sleep.

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**Extra long chapter cause I've been bad at updating regularly, sorry guys! What'd you think of the convo with Cressida in the last chapter? I'd love some opinions. Reviews from you guys gives me motivation and I honestly don't know how I'm doing writing wise if people don't tell me!**

**Don't forget to REVIEW on the way out! Thanks! ~boywithbreadlover**


	41. Chapter 41

**Explanation for this really short chapter below!**

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**Ch. 41**

When Gale leaves and I finally find the strength to close my eyes and somehow my mind shuts down, I finally sleep. And in my sleep I dream. A normal dream. That isn't scary or life threatening or anything that increased my heart rate. It was in all words, perfect.

Katniss had her hair down, not in a braid or up in the many ways her stylists had it, but down, in her natural waves, mid-back, absolutely beautiful. She's standing looking out at the ocean and I'm a ways away from her, but I can tell that we are here together. After a while she turns around to me and smiles. She walks back to where I am and takes me in her arms and I hug her back and we just breath each other in for what seems like forever. I want to stay like that for eternity, but at some point we have to let go.

She looks up and smiles at me, "You know I think Annie's doing better with us here."

"I feel that way as well, but I don't think she'll ever really be okay." In my dream I think; like me, I'll never really be okay. Even in that hug I was still fighting against that wall, still trying to make it disappear.

"Will any of us?" She turns to me, I notice a scar on her arm. It's deep and isn't there in real life. My own subconscious has created an unreal injury. Even I notice that we will not make it out of this unscathed.

"I don't know. I like to think someday, we'll be…." My voice ends and I can't come up with the right word.

Katniss finishes for me with, "Happy." I could feel it, the unhappiness. It wasn't that we were sad; we were just content, only content. It was better than the wars, it was better than the constant fighting, but that was all still there, all still real.

"Nothings ever going to be right ever again." I pause before adding, "Real or not real?"

"I don't know." She answers me, looking out into the ocean. I put my arm over her and she snuggles into my side, letting out a sigh of relief.

"Sometimes I wish this was all fake, that it was all a dream. But then I remember that we would still have the Games and I wouldn't love you and that I would have never met Finnick or Cinna or anybody who has any real importance to me anymore. Things might never be okay again, but I'm okay with this. I like my life." She says after what seems like hours of silence, just me and her and the sounds of the waves.

"Stay with me." I say.

"Always." She answers.

And that's when I wake up and realize that this isn't over yet, that we have not defeated the Capitol. I'm fighting for that, but I have not won it.

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**I'm really sorry guys, I have been SO busy, which I know, excuses excuses, but Honestly, believe me, LIFE HAS BEEN CALLING. I almost didn't post tonight (It has been very stressful) but I owed it to you guys. I did not have the time to do a full blown chapter nor look in the book and plan it out so I did a dream with Everlark because Everlark is always fun to write. I hope you thoroughly enjoyed it. AND I hope you understand! Hopefully there will be a real chapter tomorrow, but if there isn't please have some patience. It takes a while to write the chapters at the length that I like to and it takes a lot to find that time. Please tell me you understand! I don't want to be THAT author, so please yell at me if I'm gone for longer than two weeks!**

**Don't forget to REVIEW on the way out! Thanks! ~boywithbreadlover**


	42. Chapter 42

**Here's the next chapter! Enjoy! I do not Mockingjay.**

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**Ch. 42**

We wake up to the news of new strategies. Beetee had taken over the television waves. It almost felt as if the Capitol were surrendering. Beetee had been able to break in multiple times with ease; they had done absolutely nothing. Either they trusted that the Capitol citizens would never sway or they just didn't care. I had no times to count on my hands when the Capitol just didn't care. They were giving up; we just had to get them to understand that.

The new strategy was to roll an empty car down the streets to activate the pods that if people were in the way of could be a danger. But once everything was detonated the rebels could move on with ease. At this rate they could be to the heart of the Capitol by midday.

A shiver runs down my back as I realize I was wrong in thinking that the Capitol was giving up. They turned the triggering of pods to manually. We all watched as our own died on the television screen. I wonder why Beetee left it up.

The screen goes back to the Capitol broadcast where the reporter no longer looks happy. Not even her surgically puffed up face, or her high eyebrows could hide the fact that she felt sick to her stomach. Something was different about this whole war. For once the rebels actually had a chance. For once the people in the districts, the ones they rooted for to die, would be in power above them. The Capitol people were scared out of their wits and it could not be hidden any longer.

They're told to evacuate. One line stuck to me, which Capitol people don't do to me often. It was somewhat compassionate, some sort of a camaraderie. "In times like these we must be together. We are under attack, we must strive even in these hard times." I honestly could not believe that those words had come from that woman, probably written by a person that had been to the districts, had felt what it felt like to be under attack, knew that sticking together was the best way of fighting back.

I guess what hit me the most about all of it was that I always had looked at the Capitol as the enemy, there was no other way. I had never turned to see it in their eyes. They only acted the way they did because they were told to. After all I was only the way I was because of my parents, my friends, they sculpted me. We shouldn't look at the Capitol _people _as the enemy. Only Snow, and his close followers, and all those people that caused us pain with out a second thought, but not the people, definitely not the people.

All of us turn to look out the window, crowds of people making their way towards the President's mansion. Tigris offers to go out and find out what everyone is saying and if anything can help us. We all go down stairs, she locks us in and we all listen as her stealth like footsteps leave the shop upstairs.

It's a long time before she returns and while we wait we all come to the worst scenarios. Right before she enters I'm convinced that she's been captured and she's told our location and that the Peacekeepers were coming for us right that very moment. It scared me; I did not want to be in their hands any longer. They all had pills to off themselves with. Me, I had nothing, only my evil insanity to take me away from whatever they do to me.

A sigh of relief as I realize the footsteps that come are light and not heavy. Peaceful, not hateful.

She got us food that she actually cooks. When the aromas hit us we all realize how badly we needed good nutrition. We eat and listen as she tells us about her day. She isn't a woman of many words, but she does get her point across. People might have to stay here. I say it out loud and let it sink in. This might not be a safe haven for long.

The television shows how intense things really have been. A young man was killed, only because he looked like me. The man in the picture really doesn't look like me, his hair is blonde, but that is all. He didn't even have my waves.

My stomach drops. Innocent people can't be dying anymore. Especially not because they look like me. I feel at fault for that death. Not because he looked like me, but because me being out on the run-trying to defeat the Capitol-put so much hate in people that they would kill someone for having the same hair color as me.

Katniss and Gale leave after that news report. They come back shortly after. She sits down across from me and he stays standing. "Look Peeta, we have to go out there, we can't stay here forever. We're leaving tomorrow, but the thing is you're too unpredictable. You've said so yourself. It'd be best if you stayed here until this is all over and done with."

I understand what she is saying, I don't want to be a cause of harm for them, but at the same time I don't want to be a sitting duck. I want to help defeat the Capitol. They had harmed me more than they had most. I couldn't just sit here and not fight, I had to fight.

"Sound good." I say, letting the silence fill the room and the long sighs of relief enter into the atmosphere before saying, "I'm going out on my own."

The breaths are sucked back in.

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**First of all May the Fourth be with you.**

**Second of all go read my friend's fanfic The Hoping Games, THG in Prim's perspective! Link below!**

**Third of all, it didn't take me a week to update!**

**Don't forget to REVIEW on the way out! Thanks! ~boywithbreadlover**

**Here it is, seriously read it: s/9258058/1/The-Hoping-Games**


	43. Chapter 43

**Here's the next chapter! Enjoy! I do not own Mockingjay, any direct quotes will be in italics.**

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**Ch. 43**

"_To do what?"_ Asks Cressida. After the talk I had with her the other night I can't really look at her the same way. I knew she was good person, but I didn't know how much hope she would give me. You spend your whole life thinking that some people have no hope left in them and when someone shows you otherwise you become really hopeful and excited and your soul wants to reach out to that person. Cressida was that person for me. She was my hope, but so was Katniss.

She looks at me worried and confused, I held them back, but did I have to?

"_I'm not sure exactly. The one thing that I might still be useful as is causing a diversion. You saw what happened to that man who looked like me."_ My stomach drops again. He was dead—dead—at least if they had the real me to beat up no one else would be killed.

"_What if you…"_ Katniss pauses and looks at me, surveying me. Checking, like she does almost every minute, to see if I was still there. It's a couple of seconds before she finishes her question, "_lose control?"_ She eyes me as if I would do just that right now, proving that I would not be able to go out there. Part of me knew it was what she wanted.

"_You mean…" _I pause too, still feeling the strain against the wall built in my head. The threatening thoughts about Katniss are still whispered fervently back in the darkest contours of my mind. "_Go mutt? Well if I feel that coming on, I'll try to get back here." _I knew that was a lie to all of them and myself. The second it got bad enough so I couldn't handle it would be the second I lost control. Besides I don't want to live if the monster still, after all of this, has that power.

"_And if Snow gets you again?"_ Gale asks; a shiver runs coldly through my veins. The very same feeling the tracker jacker venom gave me. I push that thought out of my head almost instantly, "_You don't even have a gun."_

But I do have the angry Capitol people, I think.

Gale was right; I didn't have a gun. If I get captured there is no way I am killing myself before they begin the torture again. But that's the thing, the rest of them were willing to take this risk so why couldn't I? Katniss gets captured and she's sure to be damaged much more than I was. Gale probably brainwashed to be their soldier. Cressida, shot right there. Pollux, the very same fate.

If they could handle it then so could I.

"_I'll have to take my chances,"_ I look around at each of them and stop at Gale before saying, "_Like the rest of you."_ Gale holds my gaze for a long time. I think about our conversation from the last night. I had decided I liked him, and thank fully I think he liked me. There was no more jealousy. There was almost some sort of camaraderie.

I watch as he reaches into the small compartment on his uniform and pulls out the small pill that was lethal, ironically called Nightlock. I never thought I would come face to face with it again. It seems it does not like to be teased.

The small pill lies still in my open hand. I do remember the first time I held the real Nightlock berry like this, I had to accept my death then and I already have now.

"_What about you?_" I ask Gale, still not letting my hand close around the pill.

"_Don't worry. Beetee showed me how to detonate my explosive arrows by hand. If that fails, I've got my knife. And I'll have Katniss," _Gale looks at her with a teasing smile and says, "_She won't give them the satisfaction of taking my alive." _ Katniss tries to smile back at him, but I can tell it is hard for her. The probability of that happening was too slim. We could say that we would kill each other for the better, but wouldn't there be that hope that we would survive? Would we really give up that easily? After all, Gale was from the Seam and Katniss and I both Victors. We aren't known to give up our lives so easily. So, why then, did we joke about it?

"_Take it Peeta."_ I can hear it in her voice, the I'd much rather it be at the hands of a pill than at the hands of a trigger pulled by me voice. She closes my hand over the small lethal pill that very well could be the death of me. "_No one will be there to help you." _ She whispers to me quietly.

I take the pill more for Katniss' sake than for mine. If this is what it takes to let me go, then I'll take the pill gladly.

It's strange how only hours ago I had wanted this pill, I had wanted to die. But now, I have something to live for. Not just Katniss, but our country, the rebels. I could see it, a future with out the Games, a future of peace. It was right in front of me, I could almost touch it.

The painting that sits back in District Thirteen shows what I want. I now understand why Delly had so desperately protected it.

Because there is nothing more powerful than a dream that can become the future.

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**Wow, It didn't actually take me a whole week to update! I actually really like this chapter, and would love love love it if you told me whether you liked it or not and why because I LOVE it when people tell me how they feel about it.**

**Tomorrow is Katniss' birthday! How will you be celebrating?**

**Don't forget to REVIEW on the way out! Thanks! ~boywithbreadlover**

**P.S. Probably won't be back until next Monday because, ugh, life. So please if you need something else to read go read The Hoping Games, link in my last chapter! You won't regret it!**


	44. Chapter 44

**Here's the next chapter! Enjoy! I do not own Mockingjay, any direct quotes will be in italics.**

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**Ch. 44**

I'm running, I'm running, and I know at some point I must give up. I can't run forever and neither can they, but what happens when they can go faster than I? It could be seconds from now; I prepare myself for the end.

You would think that maybe I would be used to. That I had already come to terms with it before, but I hadn't, not really. I had come to terms with the death by a cut in my leg, I had come to terms with a death caused by berries, I had come to terms with a death caused by mutts, I had come to terms with a death caused by a fellow victor, but not this. Not the Peacekeepers looking me straight in the eye as they pulled the trigger that would end my life.

"Hey!" One yells at me, "You can't run for long lover boy!" I turn my head at the long lost nickname I had for only a few days. It's Cato running behind me, along with Clove, and Glimmer, and Marvel, and that girl from Four, what was her name? She liked Finnick. I mean, how couldn't she? Everyone loved Finnick.

I fall down at the memory of his death, they catch up to me, but they don't kill me. They only stop and fall down with me as if to help me.

"Peeta, it's better. It's okay." These words come out of Clove, so ruthless in her killing, where had this come from?

"Peeta, don't worry." That's when they all turn at the sounds of footsteps. They all vanish into thin air.

"Oh, Peeta, don't you know? You must die first." It's Snow who holds the gun against my forehead. It's Snow that starts the screams that wake me up.

I wake up with a cold sheen of sweat across my forehead. I see Pollux across the room also awakened by his nightmare. It wasn't an easy night for any of us really, Katniss moves around uncomfortable and Gale just sits wide-awake. I stay awake like him until it is the appropriate time to get up and start walking.

When everyone is up we go upstairs and eat the food that we had left over. After that Tigris begins to disguise us. She's pro, making us look just like the Capitol citizens that walk mindlessly to the President's mansion.

My comment, "_Never underestimate the power of a brilliant stylist," _seems to put a smile on her face.

Our plan is simple, to go out in three groups. Katniss and Gale in the middle, me at the end. If I see something go awry I must make some sort of diversion so they can get out. We all know it is better that I die than Katniss and Gale. Katniss must assassinate Snow, and Gale could do much more than I could. I watch as Cressida and Pollux leave. Would I ever see them again?

Katniss turns to me, her eyes lost as they peruse my face. Would I really be leaving her? She was so beautiful. From the way her grey eyes shone to the way she held herself. I don't know how I ever doubted her beauty because it was oh so evident. Her face was dirty from lack of bathing and parts of her braid were falling out in some places, but that's what was so amazing about her; she didn't care. She was going out there and risking her life for the better of our country.

I know she sees herself as selfish, but she isn't, in any way, shape, or form. She wasn't perfect, but she was what our country needed. They needed something that the Capitol had never intended, they needed their Mockingjay.

Though I didn't like that she might die today, I knew with out doubt that she had to go out there. I begin to let myself accept it.

"_Listen, don't do anything foolish." _She says to me in an urgent tone. I knew she felt the same way about me.

"_No. It's last resort stuff. Completely." _I promise her. She wraps her arms around my neck and I wrap my arms around her body and I am reminded again how tiny she is. I feel her heart beat with mine the familiar pattern of warmth and safety. I breathe in her familiar smell, it's not a sweet smell like most of the girls that would hug me way back in school, but something deep and rich, it stays with me forever. Her tough muscles wrap tighter and tighter and I do the same. I never want to let go.

"_All right, then," _She said before letting go of me. All wasn't right, but just right then it could've been. I want to convince her to stay, but we both know that will get us nowhere.

"_It's time,"_ says Tigris, reminding us that they do have to go. They are both gone too soon for me to call out to them.

It's a few minutes before Tigris tells me it's my turn to leave. I give her a quick hug and a thank-you before stepping out into the cold frigid air.

Out into the unknown.

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**Surprise! A special treat to you guys for Katniss' birthday. It was also because I got 2 really nice reviews and it made me want to write more! I really really really liked that last chapter! Please your feedback does help!**

**Don't forget to REVIEW on the way out! Thanks! ~boywithbreadlover**


	45. Chapter 45

**Here's the next chapter. I hope you like it. I will not be adding a comment at the end because I believe it's best that way. Please do leave a review and tell me if you like it. Thanks! I do not own Mockingjay.**

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**Ch. 45**

When you're young and the fact that the world isn't beautiful hasn't hit you and you're able to talk to strangers and be happy pretty much all the time; you don't understand where life will take you. I guess you don't really know until the day it happens to you. I could say I lost my innocence the day I was reaped, or maybe even the day I didn't shed a tear when a person I knew was murdered live on my television screen. But I think the truth of the matter is, I didn't really lose all of my innocence until today.

It wasn't seeing the scared, lost people rush to their Presidents mansion to find comfort in the words of a mass murderer. Nor was it the screams that I heard on the other blocks or the way people just fell on the ground sobbing because they couldn't handle it. I couldn't really put my finger on what took that last shred of innocence, hope, away from me. I just knew I no longer knew what I was going to become after all of this. I just knew that I could very well die in the minutes to come.

I couldn't see Katniss and Gale in the mass crowds of people nor could I remember which route I was supposed to take. Before really stepping away from Tigris' shop I take a deep breath, push against the brick wall in my head, and know that I am out here for one reason and one reason alone. We were ending this.

I hear a man whispering to a woman, his wife or something of that sort. He's cold and she has layers of clothes on. They're young, but older than me. Her hair is piled up on top of her head in a bun that isn't common among Capitol people. Her eyes are so big. He's tall, he towers over almost everyone. His hair is dark purple, almost so dark one wouldn't notice it was purple with just a quick glance.

His words are fast, "What of the Games?"

Hers slower, but still hushed, "No, we can't think about that. We just have to think of the time being. We could be killed."

"We're innocent."

"It's not what the rebels believe and you know it." The voice of reason, coming strangely from this wide eyed Capitol girl, in this time of chaos.

I want to speak to them, but I hold back. They would recognize me, even though most of my face is covered up. My eyes do shine through. They would notice I have no doubt. I keep on listening.

"It's all a show, they'll be over powered in no time." The man whispers back.

"I wouldn't be so sure." That's when the screams begin accompanied by the never-ending sound of gunfire. I fall to the ground, my hands pressed tightly against my head. Waiting for the pain to end, for the terror to stop, for the sounds, and memories, of death to leave me.

They don't, they never will. The second I left the arena they were with me for the rest of my life. I remember back to that long night on top of the Cornucopia when Katniss and I had to listen to the dying moans of a boy, who, although had tried to kill us, only wanted out of all this pain and misery.

A loud voice booms across the destruction, but only because the speakers are so near to me. Those not twenty feet away, do not turn their heads. There is only a small group of people that hear the announcement.

"The rebels are in open fire, please make your way two streets over and you should be able to make it to the city center safely." I don't recognize the voice, some newscaster that had as much fear as everyone else.

"How do they know it's safe?" The man yells silently to his companion.

"It's our only chance." I stand up with them and the few others and begin a slow walk towards the other street. My head is ducked and I keep my eyes on my feet. I let the other feet around me guide me towards where we are going.

I can only hope that Katniss was not caught in that fire I heard.

Somehow, miraculously we do make it to the City Center. Even more people are here, all shoved tightly together. I crane my neck to try and see Katniss, but I know it is arbitrary.

I hear one long piercing scream before I begin to hear people yell. "The Rebels!" It's full of fear and loss. We have made it; we were winning. I have lost the two people that led me here unknowingly; I wonder what the women's commentary is on this and what the man is feeling. I don't like being all by myself. I keep on trying to move closer to the Presidents mansion. I'm pretty close when I notice the children fenced into a small space, all looking cold and lost.

Parachutes begin to fall to the ground and I stop in my footsteps. The children all smile as they recognize them from the Games they have watched all their lives.

There is always an eerie silence before an explosion.

I'm far enough away to only feel the shockwave, but once it happens I know I must help in one way or another. But just as I'm fifty feet away something stops me short. A young girl, couldn't be older than fourteen, in medic apparel. Her blonde hair swings in braids. Prim.

I turn away from her to see Katniss, running fast and with out breathing. Running towards her young sister whom she thought she had saved when she had volunteered.

There is blood everywhere. Body parts scattered. Children moaning. And yet I can't take my eyes off two girls, so close, but so far away.

That silence. That eerie silence.

A cold shiver runs down my spine before I can assess the situation.

Last thing I can remember is Prim's hand reaching out and then all of a sudden being swallowed by fire.


	46. Chapter 46

**Here's the next chapter! Enjoy! I do not own Mockingjay.**

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**Ch. 46**

The fire brought the nightmares back. I never really thought they were truly gone, but the explosion had brought them crashing back into my subconscious. A replay of Prim dying was what I saw first. Her small innocent, yet strong body, burning into nothingness. The nightmares never stopped after that, not until the pain medication ebbed and I could finally leave my mind.

I only wake up to physical pain, but physical pain was what kept me calm nowadays. Fresh pink skin, misfit and ugly, is marked across my body. I felt like the doll my mother had kept from her childhood. Pieced together and dirty, broken and misshapen.

They couldn't get rid of the scars that the scalding fire had left on my skin. The doctors claimed it was because they could do nothing better. Some skin grafts. Some healing. They would never really truly go away. But I believe it was much more than that. My scars were left because I no longer had to put on a charade. I no longer had to smile for the crowd when inside I was completely and utterly falling apart. My scars were there to remind me that I wasn't crazy in thinking I was broken. It was right there, charred into my skin. It was not my fault I was insane, it was not my fault I could no longer speak to my family, it was not my fault that my heart was empty because Finnick, and Prim, and Portia were not there to fill it. My scars were a reminder that everything I am has come from pain. My scars were a reminder that I survived. That I lived. That I had the privilege of seeing that kinder tomorrow.

Those were the first words that my doctor had murmured to me, "We made it. That future we were all hoping for is finally here."

I expected to feel some sort of joy, but I couldn't. I could not find the power in me to feel happy about it. This future came with a price. I didn't even know if any one I loved was still alive. What of Katniss? Was she reduced to nothing? Was she just another death in the list of millions?

"She won't talk, but she's fine." Those were the next words to come out of his mouth. "Fine in the physical sense. I'm not sure if anyone can come out mentally sane after a life like hers." Pause, "A life like yours."

I stayed silent. I felt that if I opened my mouth only dryness would escape, only more sorrow, only more pain. I kept it shut. I do not want any more suffering.

"Peeta, I can't tell you if everything is going to be okay. Nothing really is, is it? After all you've been through, after all you've seen. I can't imagine. So I can't give you an okay, because I wouldn't be being honest with you or myself. But I can give you tomorrow. You will live. I promise you that." He took one last look at his clipboard and then he left.

I guess when a person loses everything they aren't really human anymore. Sure, they still breath and they have to eat and drink and they still have to sleep, but they don't feel. At least I don't feel sitting on my hospital bed watching as the morphling drips slowly into my blood stream.

I want to feel something, anything, but I can't. I have become deceased. Dead to everything I once was.

I know the emotions must be somewhere deep inside me, but they do not show nor do I try to search for them. It seems too hard for a broken boy.

Whenever I feel strong enough I do feel a yearning for her, somewhere deep down inside of me. A call from the boy I once was, a call for a chance at life. I suppress it most of the time, but it has become too much.

It was early morning when I made my request to my doctor, Dr. Aurelius, he had pursed his lips and shook his head. A sure sign that I would not be able to see her.

"Peeta. We're not sure what her presence will do to you. You may feel like you want her now, but what about when you actually see her? What do you think will happen?" I feel the pressure against the wall in my head, I know what he is talking about, yet I feel like it doesn't matter. I just wanted to see her. "Besides, putting you in a hospital gown wouldn't be best for your new skin. We can't roll you out with just a sheet."

"Take me at night then. I don't care. I just want to see her." I never spoke much. He was the only one to really come in. I'd seen Haymitch a couple of times, but that was it. Delly was still back in Thirteen. No one else would take the time of day.

"She isn't the same. She hasn't talked. She rarely moves. Her eyes are empty. Peeta, this isn't the girl you fell in love with." He looks at me straight in the eye. Not skirting around the bush as my doctor in Thirteen had done. Flat out telling me that she wasn't Katniss anymore. Flat out telling me that I probably wouldn't feel what I had once felt.

"I'm not the same either. Just please. I need to see her. I need to see she's okay. They never let me see her. They never do and I just want to see her. I want to know that she's okay. I don't care about anything else, I just need to know that she is breathing." When I'm finished I look back at him. He took me out later that night.

Her room had a window on it, similar to the one in my room back in Thirteen. She wasn't sleeping when he pushed my wheel chair right up against the window. Her eyes, still grey, not hollow and empty as he had said they were, stayed wide open staring into nothingness.

Her hair hung low and her exposed arms were much worse than mine. Ugly skin pieced together to hold together a broken girl. Little did the doctors know that they couldn't fix really her.

She was beautiful, but not in the normal sense of the word. She was the beauty that came out of suffering. Beaten down and sorrowful, lost and incomplete, but still breathtakingly beautiful. Nothing could take her from my heart.

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**I feel like I shouldn't celebrate that I posted two days in a row because of how depressing this is, but I'll just leave that there. **

**Please, I would really appreciate if you told me how I did on that last chapter and this one, it won't take much time and I would be forever grateful! **

**Don't forget to REVIEW on the way out! Thanks! ~boywithbreadlover**


	47. Chapter 47

**Here's the next chapter! Enjoy! I do not own Mockingjay.**

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**Ch. 47**

"I'm not sure what it is. Just at moments I can't stand her. She's there in my mind and I just want to rip everything that is about her and who she is and even the memories of her in my head apart. It's not like before. I don't see her as a mutt, per say, but it's just something. Something makes me want to make her nonexistent." I look at Dr. Aurelius whom writes quickly and with concern down onto his dark clipboard that never seems to leave his hands. He looks tired as he stops for a second to rub his eyes. I wonder if he's lost anyone over all this time.

"Is it at a certain time? Maybe in the night when your mind is the most imaginative? During the day when you have nothing better to do?" He asks me. I wondered if there was a rhyme and reason to it, but there wasn't at all. One time in the morning; another at night. It just hits me.

"No. All over the place. That's what scares me the most, will I even be able to have any kind of relationship with her?" He stops writing and looks at me. He had dark eyes, the kind that intimidated. They weren't kind by nature, but they were by the way he used them. He really was born to be a doctor, like Prim had been. I frown, I remind myself daily of all the people I have lost.

I bring myself back to reality. My mind was run off track regularly. It was rare that I ever really got to chew on anything.

"Peeta. I'm not a hopeless romantic. I have my wife, but our story was normal. It is nowhere near your magnitude. But it's funny because I don't want to give up on you. I want you to have your happy ending, out of all the people you deserve it and the worst part is I can't give you a yes or no on it. I don't know if you'll ever be able to directly talk to Katniss. I don't know Peeta. They've never hijacked anyone to the extent they hijacked you. It's all a question. It's all predictions that could be easily proven wrong."

I take it in for all it is. My life could be refined to hospital walls and talking to strangers and living a life that isn't ideal nor exciting. I'll give you that I've had enough excitement, but I haven't had ideal. I've never had ideal. Not when I was born to two parents that didn't love each other. Not when I fell in love with a girl that barely knew of my existence. Not when I got reaped into the Hunger Games. Not when I got my heart broken by a girl who I thought loved me back. Not when I was captured by the Capitol. Not when I was hijacked, when I was insane, when I watched as a bomb exploded and nearly ended my life. And certainly not now when I didn't even know if I would be able to love who I wanted to love.

"So what now? I become a recluse. That person you hear in all those stories about how they just stopped living?" I let the words escape from my mouth in a panic, a fearful panic that there was no hope.

"Peeta, no. Now we try to bring you back. We didn't let them win out there and we won't let them win inside of you." He says. His pen scratches into his papers for a while before he begins to speak again. "Now, I need you to write. You've always had a way with words, and since not many people are here to listen I want you to write to the one person you want to listen. We can't very well take you to her. She's lost too. Broken as well. You saw her. But maybe the idea of talking to her will help. So I'll bring you paper and pencils and you're going to write letters to Katniss. I want you to be brutally honest. Don't leave it out. If you want no one to read them then no one will."

"Would it help if you read them?" I ask.

"Well sure, but not much more than I already get by talking to you. Peeta don't think of this as a way to heal you. Think of it as something for you and you alone." That's when he left and came back with paper five minutes later and that's when the letters began.

Dear Katniss,

Right now I love you. Completely and utterly. I remember back to the first day I saw you. Part of me always thought I loved you because my dad loved your mom and it only felt right to love you, but I don't think that was it. I remember you, with your two braids and your red dress and your sweet voice. I fell in love with you because you were you.

Granted at the age of five I didn't know you. I didn't really know you until that night in the cave, I hope you remember it, when you told me that story about Prim and her goat. I was sick, close to death, and honestly I didn't feel like going on for much longer. I didn't see the point until I saw your eyes and how much brighter they got when you talked about Prim. How you looked like you weren't even there. That's when I truly saw who Katniss Everdeen was. It wasn't because you were showing love or anything like that; it was because you finally put your defenses down. You were no longer the tough girl from the seam that had to fight for her life and didn't care for many people. Suddenly you were real.

I hope you know that my love is much deeper than anything I could ever imagine. I'm sorry this isn't long, I haven't had time to write much lately and my hand gets tired easily. But Katniss, if you're reading this, know how much I wish I could be with you.

Always,

Peeta

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**So I really want your guy's opinions on how I've been writing, it would be much appreciated. **

**Also, coming to the end. Gah. I'll explain where I'm going from here in the next few chapters stay with me. **

**Please REVIEW on the way out! It helps me as a writer and makes me want to write more often! Thanks! ~boywithbreadlover**


	48. Chapter 48

**Here's the next chapter! Enjoy! I do not own Mockingjay, any direct quotes will be in italics. **

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**Ch. 48**

Effie plays with her hands and her eyes catch the tall stack of letters I have, before straying back to me multiple times. I've never seen her so jumpy and lost. It is quite scary, but then again I had thought she was dead.

She no longer wore that mask of, "Everything is perfect, just perfect!" I could finally see the pain and suffering under her skin. The years of escorting kids to their death. The years of having to be completely fake. The years of not being sure of what was right and what was wrong. She was before me and she was just Effie Trinket, lost, lonely, broken, just like all of us.

Haymitch had brought her in. Earlier they had me take a shower, put clothes on, sit at a table and eat, be civilized. Today was the execution of President Snow. Katniss would kill him. He would be dead. And what then? I'm still not free. All the pain he had caused me will still be left, but he won't be there to see me fall.

And I guess there is a victory inside of me that had been trying to get out the second I woke up out of the arena. A victory our country had been searching for the second they lost the first revolution. I do feel some sort of happiness, but in the end suffering will always taint it.

"It's a shame." Effie says, her voice still high and thick with that Capitol accent. "All the lives lost. You know I do believe they've told Annie and to think she thought he would come home."

"You knew." I say, looking up from my hands that were tightened together and under the table. "You knew they were together."

"Of course I did. I wasn't a complete fool." She stops and silence fills the room. We had served ourselves today, no avoxes being forced to serve us with quiet mouths. I wonder where all of them are, how they feel.

"What did they do to you?" I ask. I feel insensitive as it falls quickly out of my mouth, but I could tell they had harmed her in some way. Her lip quivered and her hands were always moving and her voice, though still high, was not cheery.

"Peeta, I don't want to trouble you with my woes. You just need to know that you have had it harder than me and if I could I would do what they did to me one hundred times over for it not to happen to you." There it was, the wise words I had always hoped to hear from her, but never really did. I had not noticed before how young Effie really was, and beautiful. Her makeup wasn't as extreme and her clothes not so bright and her natural features shone through. She wasn't my escort anymore. She was so much more. A fellow rebel, a friend, someone I could trust. I never thought I would ever have such a connection with her.

"Well, I have to go help Katniss. Haymitch will take you to the meeting and then it's all over." She stays sitting for a while, "I never thought I would be rooting for the death of Cornelius. He was my father's friend you know? It wasn't until I saw you and Katniss on that victory tour, so small and vulnerable, did I really start to dislike him. I don't know if I've ever told you Peeta, but I'm very glad you're in my life." She turns and leaves before I have a chance to say anything to that. Haymitch comes soon after.

Haymitch leads me down the hallways of the mansion silently at first. We wear the same gray clothes that the people in Thirteen had worn. I feel as if the Capitol had been destroyed and Thirteen had stepped in. A shiver runs down my back. I had remembered Coins voice and the way she commanded people around. I decide on my walk to the room that I did not like her much, now that I was wearing one of her uniforms.

"She talked." Haymitch said to me.

"Finally?"

"Yeah."

That's when we reach the room that we were walking to. Inside was Annie, Johanna, and Beetee, all sitting silently and hopelessly around the table. Being a victor never really felt that victorious to any of us.

"When did they…?" I lean over to Johanna and speak into her ear. She turns to me. I notice how wide her eyes are. How lost and vulnerable she looks, it's as if we were back to our weekly meetings down in the dungeons.

"When they brought her here. I was the one." That's all she says before she turns back and looks at Annie. I take a deep sigh and try to smile at her, but the effort is arbitrary. How does one smile at a person that had just lost the love of their life?

She gives me a small sorrowful nod before looking away.

Enobaria comes in shortly after that. She doesn't have the same look as us; hers is much different. She had been victorious in some part of her life, when the Capitol was defeated so was she. I had heard she had even sided with them. I wonder how she could've done that after being forced by them to kill other people.

Katniss comes in minutes later. She's a light in a dull room. Even though she wears close to all black, she still has that certain look about her. Her eyes so radiant in the room filled of dull gray uniforms. She still looks defeated, but something in her makes my heart skip a beat. I am hopeful that I will overcome my monster.

"_What's this?_" she says, her voice so pure.

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**Wow that took a while to update, sorry guys! School is almost out! But I'll hopefully be finished with this before then, eh, probs not though. Ugh, I'm sorry! **

**Don't forget to REVIEW on the way out! Thanks! ~boywithbreadlover**


	49. Chapter 49

**Here's the next chapter! Enjoy! I do not own Mockingjay, any direct quotes will be in italics. **

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**Ch. 49**

"_We're not sure," _says Haymitch. I realize that while I had been talking to Johanna and nodding to Annie and waiting anxiously for the light of my life to walk in, Haymitch and Beetee had been talking. I hadn't even put thought into what we were doing here. I just felt anxious. After today it was all over, really over. No more wars, no more victory tours, no more fake facades. Just me, insane and alone, living life, trying to make it to that kinder tomorrow Cressida had talked about.

"_It appears to be a gathering of the remaining victors." _Haymitch finishes. I try not to look at Katniss for too long, but it is hard. The Mockingjay uniform that Cinna had created for her not only shows power, but vulnerability. Not only ruthlessness, but beauty. I sigh at the death of such an amazing person.

"_We're all that's left?"_ Katniss asks. I take a look around the small table. Seven Victors. There had to be at least forty around at the beginning of the rebellion. Roughly thirty-seven gone. I remember the promise a Victor is given. It was never really told to me after surviving the arena, but it had to be in that treaty somewhere. I had heard it spoken before. At past reapings maybe. But the victors are promised a life without fear, without pain, without any more loss. It was all a lie. Every last one of us has been hurt. And every last one of us, though the war is over, still lives in fear. Even Enobaria, who sits with a scowl on her face.

"_The price of a celebrity," _says Beetee, "_We were targeted from both sides. The Capitol killed victors they suspected of being rebels. The rebels killed those thought to be allied with the Capitol." _

_ "So what's she doing here?_" Johanna asks, almost sounding like her old self.

"_She is protected under what we call the Mockingjay Deal," _Coin comes up from behind Katniss. Her presence adds a bitter chill to the room. Her words are cold and slicing, not victorious, power-hungry. Easily compared the slithering sound of Snows bloody words. "_Wherein Katniss Everdeen agreed to support the rebels in exchange for captured victors' immunity. Katniss has upheld her side of the bargain, and so shall we." _

Enobaria flashes her pointed teeth smile at Johanna. A constant reminder that she was a murderer, but then again, so was everyone else in this room.

"_Don't looks so smug. We'll kill you anyways," _says Johanna.

"_Sit down, please, Katniss," _says Coin. She does sit, placing a bright white rose down onto the table. I could recognize it almost anywhere, the sure sign of Snow. I wonder why she had one. "_I've asked you here to settle a debate. Today we will execute Snow. In the previous weeks, hundreds of his accomplices in the oppression of Panem have been tried and now await their own deaths. However, the suffering in the districts has been so extreme that these measures appear insufficient to the victims. In fact, many are calling for complete annihilation of those who held Capitol citizenship." _

My stomach drops. That couple. The ones that had been my guides to the City Center. She was so educated for being from the Capitol. She made sense, she can't die. I wanted to talk to her. To get to know her more. There had to be others like her. And those that weren't smart didn't know better. They were born into it. Just like I was into the District. An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind. Where would this leave us?

"_However, in the interest of maintaining a sustainable population, we cannot afford this." _I try to calm down, but my stomach stays stuck to my feet. Something in the way Coin said it, it's as if she had wanted it. As if others had to persuade her not to go right ahead and do it.

I catch Katniss' gaze, she doesn't seem to be worried about Coin's words like I am. She's mesmerized by something. I push away the false hope that it is actually me she is looking at longingly.

"_So, an alternative has been placed on the table. Since my colleagues and I can come to no consensus, it have been agreed that we will let the victors decide. A majority of four will approve the plan. No one may abstain from the vote." _A short pause to look every one of us in the eye. A chill runs down my spine.

"_What has been proposed is that in lieu of eliminating the entire Capitol population, we have a final, symbolic Hunger Games, using the children directly related to those who held the most power." _All the eyes that had begun to wander-mine focused on Katniss' hands, that shook lightly, barely unnoticeable—turned back to Coin. Unheard of.

"_What?"_ Shock drops audibly out of Johanna's mouth.

"_We hold another Hunger Games using Capitol children." _Coin answers nonchalantly.

"_Are you joking?" _I say, hoping what I had just heard twice was all something I had made up in my mind.

No, she had answered me, this really was happening and we were really voting on this. I would never wish what happened to me upon anybody. Especially not upon those children. They had no choice whom their family was. I felt sickened.

I voted no. But Johanna had voted yes and so had Enobaria. Which actually partially came as a surprise to me. I could not see her hating the Capitol anymore than I could see Katniss loving it, but you never really do know a person.

I try to get them to change their votes. I'm outraged. Never. Never. No more pain. No more suffering. Not out in the world anyways. What would happen inside of me could not be changed, but I did not want to be at the hands of anymore death.

Annie voted no, so did Beetee. And it was just down to Haymitch and Katniss.

"_I vote yes…for Prim." _The words fall out of Katniss' mouth. I don't see her point. Prim would not have stood for this. Not even after she was killed.

Haymitch was our last hope, I began to yell at him, but I could see in his eyes that he had already decided. I remember what he had told me awhile back, Snow took his family. I realize how hard it is for people to get over revenge that they had been seeking.

"_I'm with the Mockingjay," _He says. And with that the 76th Annual Hunger Games were instated.

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**So school is out and I have absolutely nothing to do next week, so you'll probably get updates a lot more often, and you all know this is coming to an end. So I will finally tell you what I'm going to do. **

**So I'm finishing it like Suzanne did, with the Epilouge and no idea of how Katniss and Peeta actually grew back together. And then after that I'm going to do a five chapter thing that is basically how Peeta and Katniss grew back together. And that might be the end to my adventure of writing fanfiction, but who really knows. **

**I'll leave the thanks till the last chapter, but I started writing The Fate Games mid-july of last year. It has been a journey and a pleasure to be able to get to know Peeta so well. But I will elaborate on that when I'm all done. **

**Don't forget to REVIEW on the way out! Thanks! ~boywithbreadlover**


	50. Chapter 50

**Here's the next chapter! Enjoy! I do not own Mockingjay, any direct quotes will be in italics. **

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**Ch. 50**

The air is tense. The breaths short and quick. A release of air and a short inhale. No one was really comfortable. No one really happy. After so much pain, how could we ever be happy? It was a question that haunted me all through out the day. I hadn't been really, truly happy in ages. I think the last time I was really joyful was back in the first Games, tucked inside of our own cave. Safe from the dangers, not yet feeling the repercussions of being a murderer. I wish I could go back. I wish I could do something differently.

I think of my family and how scared they must have been. My father so kind hearted, so gentle in his words. He was quiet and he spoke rarely, but I knew he loved us so much. There was never a day I doubted that. My mom was harsh, but I wouldn't be the person I am today without her. And my brothers, there isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss them. Why did I have to be the one to live?

I think of Finnick, how if he were still here I probably wouldn't be this sad. Annie stands next to me and her lips quiver, one of her hands placed on her stomach, the other at her side searching for a hand that will never come. Finnick, who stayed strong though he had every reason to break. I half expect him to walk through the doors behind us, but I know this is foolish.

I think of Prim and how wise she had become. A little girl that couldn't weigh more than a feather, had much more behind her eyes than I did. I realize now how much pain Katniss must be going through at the loss of her. I now understand why she had voted to be another Games. The Capitol took everything from her.

The crowd goes insane as Katniss walks out. No more oppression! No more pain! No more suffering! I can hear the thoughts inside of their heads. My mind goes back to those berries, all of this because of those berries. Nightlock. Nightlock caused all of this. I remember Katniss' family's medicine book and the small drawing her father had left her. Her words when she showed me were something along the lines of, "It's as if he was warning us." Only now do I not see it as a warning, but a beacon of hope.

I still don't hope much, but I actually can now. Seeing the crowd go wild, no Peacekeepers pushing them closer together with guns held against their chests. I wonder if Katniss' dad had ever dreamed of this. If he had ever thought his daughter, with her knowledge that he had given her, would bring us to freedom. We had done it. We had overcome everything that held us down. I forget about the monster inside of me and let it resonate that we were free. After all these years of children killing children and a cold-blooded murderer laughing in the background. It was over. All over. We had made it.

I want to cheer with the crowd, but I'm reminded all to suddenly about the widow beside me. I grab her empty hand. Her grasp tightens around my fingers. Finally she stops shaking.

"We made it." I whisper in her ear. "Finnick is somewhere celebrating, Annie, because we made it. It's over. No more pain, Annie. We made it."

Her eyes lift up into mine. She doesn't smile, but it's almost there. I see the corners of her mouth lift up just a little.

"We did." She answers back. I watch a tear run down her face.

Snow is brought out. No longer powerful, old and broken. Death had already taken him.

A roar of the people. The sound of freedom, so sweet in my once oppressed ears.

Katniss takes aim. The victory hasn't reached her and I doubt it ever will. Her suffering started when she was eleven and it still hasn't ended. Maybe we had made it, and the victory was pulsing through my veins, but thousands of others had not. I am reminded of the monster inside of me and how Katniss must have one now too. She looks shattered, a million pieces broken onto the ground only held together by Cinna's handy work. She shakes. I see a look I hadn't seen forever.

The same look she had given me as she surrendered to me. As she dropped her bow and pulled out the berries. I realize all too late that the arrow was not pointed at the ghost of a man, but instead at the powerful woman who was just as bad.

No one has time to react as Coin drops to the ground.

I don't care, I do believe she made the right choice. But I know—knew—Katniss better than I knew myself. She would realize what this meant. People were loyal to Coin, she was our new leader. Katniss had in some ways just committed treason and in others done our country a favor. I know what Katniss will do next. I know she will go for the Nightlock pill.

She'd be dead in seconds.

I run. I push. I yell. I holler. She can't die. I won't let her. She can't die. She doesn't deserve this. She doesn't deserve to make it this far only to die. Katniss was supposed to live. Time after time after time she was supposed to live. She is going to live.

Just before her mouth reaches the pocket that holds the pill my hand closes over it. Her teeth dig in, but I am more thankful than ever that they only find my skin.

"_Let me go!"_ she screams, fighting my grasp. But from months in the hospital, I had become stronger. She was helpless.

"_I can't." _I grasp the small pocket and tear it from her uniform. She's dragged away, the pill is smothered.

We had finally made it.

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**Wow, I actually really liked this chapter. I liked having this conflict in Peeta if he should be happy or not, it actually made me tear up a bit when I wrote the part with Annie. **

**So yeah, some of you don't want me to be done with writing after I do the five chapter thing, but I probably will be. You can PM if you want to talk and if you want to follow me on twitter you can PM for my username. And hey, we still aren't done yet!**

**I really really really want your opinion on this one. So PLEASE REVIEW on the way out! Thanks! ~boywithbreadlover**


	51. Chapter 51

**Here's the next chapter! Enjoy! I do not own Mockingjay, duh. **

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**Ch. 51**

It is rare for me to travel out of the mansion and into the Capitol. My usual day is spent inside. Talking to Haymitch, sometimes watching Katniss. But the inside had began to suffocate me. Watching Katniss fall deeper and deeper into insanity was worse than realizing that I never really could get rid of the monster.

I remember the first day she started singing. Haymitch had actually ran to me and he had this gleam in his eye. After days of sorrow and frowns I finally saw something of hope. I had been so confused. Nothing seemed right. Paylor had been rush elected for President, this was the only thing I really felt good about. Katniss seemed to have been forgotten about except for Haymitch and I whom sat in front of the screens for hours watching with hopeful eyes that she'll become normal again. But here Haymitch was, finally with a sliver of hope.

"She's singing." He said. "She's singing. It started out really quiet at first, but now it's audible. Peeta, I think she's began to hope."

They hadn't told her anything. Just shoved her into the room on top of the training center and let her come up with her own ideas. A trial was supposed to take place in a few days, but Katniss didn't know that. All she knew was that they fed her and gave her pills, that was it. She was going to kill herself with her own mind.

Her singing gave Haymitch hope because it meant she was giving herself hope.

She rarely sang in the time I knew her, but I knew the memory was tied to her father. The few occasions she had opened up to me about him she always mentioned his singing. Katniss must be trying to forget about the present and go back in the past. Or she was just trying to forget everything and singing helped. Either way it gave me strength to leave the mansion for a few hours.

I wasn't sure what I was going to do. I didn't know the Capitol very well and a lot of the stores were still closed. A number of Capitol Citizens had decided to move out into the Districts. Just like we were given a start over, they were given a do over. I know a lot of people resent them, and part of me still does too, but I must remind myself how brainwashed they were.

Paylor stopped the idea of the 76th Hunger Games. I had taken a breath of fresh air when I had heard. It went over good with the others too, we were all very tired after Coin's death and the fast election. Part of us just wanted everything to stop. So the Capitol people were free to do what they wanted and we were free to do what we wanted. I wonder when the line between us will disappear. When it will stop being them and start being us. I hope it isn't too far off.

I was walking with my head down, my pace quick, my breathing steady. I hardly paid attention to the others around me and that's how I ran into her. Her head was down too and when we ran into each other both of us almost fell to the ground. She was quick to move on, but I had already got a glimpse. Her blonde hair was piled high atop her head and those giant eyes. She could pass as someone from the Districts if I hadn't known her from before. The girl that led me to the City Center unknowingly. The girl that made me realize that not everyone in the Capitol was evil.

"Hey!" I called out to her. I had wanted to talk to her, but I didn't know her name, where she lived, it was virtually impossible.

She kept walking and I had to run to her, "Hey," I said again.

"Me?" She said looking behind me.

"Yes, you." I say. I wonder where her husband is and if that even was their relationship. I wanted to thank both of them.

"No, you must be mistaken. You're Peeta. You must despise me. I'm a Capitol Citizen." Her words are calm and knowing just as they had been on that fateful day. I wonder if she had gotten this wisdom from her parents or if she had acquired it on her own like Cressida had.

"I'm not mistaken. You helped on the day the Districts were liberated, I just wanted to thank you." She shakes her head, a small frown etched on her lips.

"No, that can't be. I was with my husband we were going to the President's mansion. I would have noticed if I helped you. We were only helping ourselves. I'm sorry." She tries to walk away, but I grab her arm keeping her from going.

"I was disguised. You lead me towards the City Center; you kept me calm. It amazed me how wised you seemed. I always thought people from the Capitol were…" I don't know how to end my sentence in a way that won't offend her.

"Ignorant." She finishes for me, "Yeah I know. My family traveled to the Districts a lot. We had a lot of vacation homes. I made some friends." She finishes and I don't know what else to say. I had already thanked her. There really was nothing else.

"You're welcome. Is that all?" She asks, her eyes traveling beyond me down the street. She must have somewhere to go.

"Just, your name?" I ask her, making room for her to walk down the street.

"Lily." She answers.

"Well, thank you, Lily. You kept me calm. Who knows what I might've done if you weren't there."

"I didn't know I was helping you."

"Doesn't mean that I shouldn't thank you." After I say that she shakes her head and walks away.

I go back to the mansion after that.

Katniss is sleeping. I wish more than anything I could be there holding her.

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**I updated two days in a row! Woo! It's mostly because I like reviews and I didn't get many on that last one so I'm hoping to get some more on this one. I feel like no one is reading it anymore, I only get like one or two reviews on each chapter and it doesn't really encourage me to write. I love getting reviews and I want to know how I'm doing. It takes at the most a minute to write a review and post it. It really truly makes my day, especially if they're long ones :). If you don't like posting reviews you can PM me.**

**Don't forget to REVIEW on the way out! Thanks! ~boywithbreadlover**


	52. Chapter 52

**Here's the next chapter! Enjoy! I do not own Mockingjay. **

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**Ch. 52**

"Elma Coin was nothing, but good to us. She lead our District right. What the 'Mockingjay' did was cold blooded murder!" It's a small mousy woman and you wouldn't expect her to yell, but she felt strongly. Obviously she had only seen the good side of Coin, she hadn't seen the power seeker, a woman with a flaw. A woman that could easily move our country backwards. I don't say any of this of course because we are in court and the lady looks vulnerable. Cameras are all over the room. Plutarch sits in the back smiling at how great this will be for the audience. I think, how sick, we're deciding whether Katniss should live. But I have to remind myself that even though Plutarch is a rebel he still designed arenas for children to die in. It isn't sick to him, it's just all a game.

The lawyers ask the lady a few more questions, she's crying by the end. Some of the gray uniformed people from Thirteen cry too. I find myself wondering how Boggs would feel about this. He seemed to like Katniss, but I knew he was loyal to Coin. It would be a mystery to me who he would be fighting for.

Octavia comes up to me and puts some makeup on my face while saying, "You're up next. You always knew how to prove a point. Go on up."

It was already evident that Katniss was going to live. A countless number of people had testified in her defense, I was pretty sure Plutarch was paying people to testify against her. Even so they saved the hardest arguments for the end. Haymitch had gone before that woman and I was up next, after that Dr. Aurelius whom would argue that Katniss wasn't even in the right state of mind. They couldn't-wouldn't-convict her after that.

"Peeta Mellark, please step forward." Not many court cases took place when Snow was in charge, if fact I'm almost convinced that none took place. I was almost positive that these "lawyers" were actors. After all, there was no judicial kind of thing in place in our government. The country before us, the United States of America is what I think it was, had a judicial branch. I had learned about it precisely once in school, but it sounded like such a beautiful idea. Rightful justice, no ruthless killing, a right and a wrong no way about it. We were going to take these past ideas because after all it wasn't the Government that had caused the war that almost brought total world destruction, but the people in it.

I step forward, readjust the suit that they had given me. They said Portia had made it for me a while back and I never got to wear it. It fit me perfectly even after all this war and torment.

"You promise to tell the truth." A small Capitol woman that squeaked when she talked says to me. It's more of a statement than a question, an of course you'll tell the truth, after everything that's happen you have to tell the truth.

"Yes of course." I answer, a big man leads me to the front and gestures for me to sit down.

"Please state your name."

"Peeta Mellark."

"Relation to Ms. Everdeen."

"Fellow victor, friend." The person looks at me questioningly. Really that's all? But if he wanted me to state every relation that I had with Katniss the list would never end. "Ally." I add just to make the list I had said out loud longer.

"And how long have you known her?"

"A long time. We didn't start talking until about two years ago. I haven't been able to talk to her much lately though. Different wings of the hospital, complications mentally. I haven't been able to get a real good read on her in about a year, when we were in the 75th Games." I hear the click clack of a key board behind me, I turn to see a woman typing as fast as she can. Keeping track of our conversations. I wonder with all these cameras around why they would need that, I decide that it's for show more than anything.

"And had you talked to her at all the morning that she shot and killed Elma Coin?" The man asking me the questions was small, he had spiky blonde hair and his suit hung closely to his small body. I wonder which District he his from and how Plutarch had found him.

"All of the alive Victors had a meeting together. I don't believe I said anything directly to her. She seemed like Katniss would seem. She looked nervous, but she had been in the hospital for weeks, she had just recently began to speak. It was normal." The small man nods his head as if he was expecting something like this.

I catch the eye of the woman that went before me, tears still fell from her eyes.

"Did you notice any hostility towards Elma Coin in this meeting?"

"No, she answered her questions, she even voted to continue on with the Games for the Capitol children like Coin was wanting. I didn't expect her to do that." I take a deep breath.

"Do you think what Katniss did was a rightful action?"

"Yes, absolutely. I'm not just saying this to save her life either. Elma Coin was power hungry she could've possibly brought our country right back to where Snow had left it. She never once tried to help the other Districts until it was possible that they could win the war. Elma Coin did not care about the Districts. If Katniss Everdeen had not presented herself with a flicker of hope Coin would've been happy to stay to herself. She only fought this war because she knew that she would be the one in charge. She wanted to fight violence with violence and that is never the answer." A loud sob breaks through my words, the woman that had gone before me cries into her lap loudly not trying to muffle her sounds at all. She's escorted out by Plutarch himself, who shakes his head as he goes.

I finish with, "If Katniss hadn't done it right then we would be in a whole different predicament. Everything that we had just fought for would be nothing. Katniss had every right to do that."

"One last thing Mr. Mellark, do you think Katniss mistakenly shot Coin?" I almost laugh. The arrow had shot her right in the heart and it was nowhere near President Snow.

"No, Katniss did it on purpose, but she should not be executed for doing something that was for the betterment of our country."

"Thank you Mr. Mellark."

Dr. Aurelius took the stand after me and it was decided later that day that Katniss would be released. She was sentenced to go back to Twelve and Haymitch was to go with her. Dr. Aurelius wanted to work with me more, they did not let me go to send her off. Haymitch told me she is already traumatized enough as it is, and seeing my face might set her off. I feel as if I am back to my old school days, wanting her so badly, but knowing I will never be able to have her.

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**You guys are awesome! You are out there reading my story! I can't believe it! Thanks for all the amazing reviews, and now that I'm getting feedback I'd like to talk about a few things that were mentioned. **

**SO, a few of you felt like that last chapter was a filler, but it really wasn't. I wanted Peeta to see the woman again, she was an unexpected character that basically just came to mind as I wrote that chapter, I wanted Peeta to be able to thank her because I know that he would want to do that. IF you guys don't like Lily, well then that's too bad. **

**If that felt like a filler, then this probably did too, but Plutarch mentions the trial to Katniss and I knew that Peeta would be involved in it, I couldn't just skip past it. It is near the end of the story, but there is still quite a few things I want to put in. I know you are excited for Peeta and Katniss to get back together, I AM TOO. I can't wait, but it would seem silly for me to skip over important things. THis is Peeta's POV and he experienced things that Katniss never experienced, I need to have it in here. **

**Sorry for the late update, I have been extremely lazy. This also might be the last update for about a week, I'm travelin' somewhere! Sorry guys! I posted the first chapter of The Fate Games on July 7th of last year so I hope to finish around then, preferably before...**

**Please keep the REVIEWS up! It was nice to open my email every so often and see a little gift from you guys! Keep it up. Sorry for this long afternote! Don't forget to REVIEW on the way out! Thanks! ~Boywithbreadlover**


	53. Chapter 53

**Here's the next chapter! Enjoy! I do not own Mockingjay.**

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**Ch. 53**

My eyes hollowed out, my soul empty. I sat in the same chair. All day. Meals are served at the same time. People come in and go out at the same exact time. The only way things changed were if I got up and moved. But the second Katniss had left it was if I had died. Her being near kept some spark ignited inside of me, but now I didn't even get to watch her sing herself to sleep. Haymitch wasn't here either, which Dr. Aurelius said was a big cause to my "problem". It was only him, my doctor, and occasionally running into Johanna in the halls, hearing Annie screaming in another room. That was all the interaction I got.

Snow's mansion used to be the center of torture and pain, now all it held were the tortured and the pained.

It was a yesterday that Dr. Aurelius came to me, looking differently than he normally had. More positive, his eyes wider. It scared me because I only saw ghosts of people anymore. Dr. Aurelius was the only smile I got to see, and even that was rare. I knew he would be proposing something new, I just didn't know what.

"Peeta, you need to get out of here." He said. I was sitting in a different chair than I normally did. This one was stiffer, more uncomfortable. I couldn't quite seem to sit still.

"And go…?" I didn't look at him, instead I sat staring out the window. The sun shone brightly and a little bird was perched on a tree that had bright flowers on it. Someone once told me that the color of the flowers was natural, I hadn't decided if I believed them.

"Back home." He paused and looked at me for a second before going on, "Quite a few people have started moving back to Twelve. You have the money to build the Bakery back up if that's what you would like and I think it'd be best for you to start moving again. Sitting like you do will only cause your progress to reverse itself."

"Where would I live? My home was reduced to rubble." I still don't look at him even though I know he wishes I would. He probably couldn't tell what I was thinking right now, but neither could I. I didn't want him to jump to conclusions.

"Your home in Victor Village. You'll be near Haymitch and—" He stops himself short though I do know the name that was about to leave his mouth. "Look Peeta, Katniss has gotten worse. I talk to Greasy Sae every other day and she says that she never leaves her room. Haymitch is in a constant drunken stupor and Greasy can only do so much. Peeta I know you can handle your attacks. I've seen you do it before. And I have pills if it ever gets too bad. I know you'll be wary about this, but Katniss needs someone, she needs you." He stops, waiting for me to look at him, this time I do.

"Look, I'm not a big believer that one distinct person has some special powers with another person, but Peeta I think you're the only hope."

The second he had said that Katniss needed me I had already wanted to pack my bags. Just one thing held me back; would she actually let me help? I couldn't be asking questions though. I had to get going. She needed me.

"When can I leave?" Dr. Aurelius smiles, I almost return his favor, but decide against it. There was no happiness, yet.

"Tomorrow morning. Annie and Johanna are going back to Four."

I woke up early, earlier than I should have. It was a total of six hours until I had to leave and there was absolutely nothing to do. I gave up just trying to lie in bed and began to pace the room. Effie came in with her same old mantra, "It's going to be a big, big, big, day!" and towed me off to breakfast. From there I went to the Hovercraft. I would be home before 5 o'clock. I hadn't been to Twelve since I left for the Quarter Quell. I finally felt whole, in some parts. Other parts of me were still completely empty.

Dr. Aurelius gave me pills and told me to take them if I ever felt myself getting bad. He also told me to leave if I felt any thought against Katniss while she was in my presence. He said as she began to heal I would have to stay my strongest, if I attacked her while as my monster I could very easily kill her. I shiver at the thought of that.

Annie and Johanna accompanied me. Annie slept in another room in the Hovercraft. Johanna sat right beside me, one of her hands tight around her waist, almost as if she were holding herself together.

"I always hated Hovercrafts." She says to me as we take off. "First time I rode in one was on the way to the Arena, I can't not associate them with fear."

I knew what she meant, but I stayed silent.

"Annie's pregnant." She laughs and shakes her head, "Sometimes I get so mad at Finnick for leaving her like that, you know? I promised him I would take care of her if anything ever happened, but I can barely take care of myself. I think she'll be able to handle herself once she gets into routine. There's a lot of nice people in Four." I watch as a tear rolls down her face.

"You're not going to stay with her?" I ask her. My hand somehow finds hers. My relationship with Johanna had never been much, but we had seen each other at our weakest and I could tell she needed someone right now.

"I can't. They offered me a job in the Government and I can't give that up. And I don't know. I do want a family someday. Or at least a husband. I can't spend my whole life stuck in four because Finnick decided it was okay to die!" She stops, covering her mouth with the hand that was wrapped around her waist.

"Oh, you must think I'm horrible. I am? I'm horrible. Finnick was one of my closest friends, it's been hard." She begins to sob.

"I understand." I pat her back and hang onto her hand, we stay like this until we hear Annie joining us, only then do we act like everything is okay. It's not soon after that, that they are gone.

I'm left to myself.

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**Sorry I was gone so long! I was traveling and then recovering! I hope you can forgive me. Hopefully the last few chapters will be closer together. Which brings me to, I'm almost done! I still can't believe it!**

**Please REVIEW! It will probably make me want to write more! Don't forget to REVIEW on the way out! ~boywithbreadlover**


	54. Chapter 54

**Here's the next chapter! Enjoy! I do not own Mockingjay.**

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**Ch. 54**

I didn't think I would ever find my way back home. And I wouldn't really. I couldn't ever go home because home was no longer home. It was the first place I went. The familiar path from the train station to the Bakery. I took it every Monday morning when our shipment would come in, only this time I carry one small bag in my hand, not flour over my shoulder. I'm also alone, my brothers don't accompany me and I don't smile, not even a little bit.

Some houses are being built back up, but others still lay in rubble and I wonder if any bodies are still trapped underneath. I wonder if I'll see my family's bones when I finally find my home that was reduced to nothing.

It is humbling finally seeing it. I cry. But not loudly, just silent tears for my now silent family. I wonder again why I was the one to live.

I don't stay there long. I do remember Dr. Aurelius' words, I could rebuild the bakery and I think a huge part of me did want that, but another part wanted complete closure. No more bakery, that would insure painful memories. I didn't need those.

I walk straight to Victor's Village after that because the few people I do see in town are too depressing for me to look at. I wonder what I look like to them.

I'm about to enter Katniss' home when an ancient voice stops me.

"No, Peeta. She must find you." I turn to see Greasy Sae behind me. I had only talked to her a few times, but I knew Katniss had a connection with her. Something only people that lived in the Seam had.

"What?" I say. She takes a few steps to close the space between us and puts her hand on my shoulder. She had wrinkles on top of wrinkles, but her eyes still had some youth in them. I wondered how she kept that after all these years.

"If she isn't ready to leave the house, she isn't ready for you. I'll get her out of there soon, tomorrow maybe? But she doesn't need you bursting into her home. Not now." She shakes her head in worry for Katniss. I'm so curious as to what she has become. I remember the few times she told me about her mom, how she closed off from everyone after Mr. Everdeen had died. I think that is what Katniss has become. With no Prim to stay strong for she was reduced to nothing.

"But Dr. Aurelius said…"

"I know Peeta. She'll be ready soon. She doesn't seem to be getting better, but she is. She eats some now, pets that cat occasionally. She's coming out of something. I'll get her to leave the house soon." She drops her hand from my shoulder.

"You're sure?" I ask.

"Yes. Now you must be starving come have some soup with my granddaughter and I. I'd ask you to go check on Haymitch, but I don't think that would help your spirits much either. We'll just let you rest tonight." She grabbed my hand and pulled me away from Katniss' porch and over to her house. The soup was good and I fell asleep quickly.

I woke up early in the morning. Greasy had carried me over to my house that I hadn't been in for a while. It smelled old and musky, dust was over everything, it was exactly the way I left it. I never felt more alone than I did when I was in this house. Only when Marcus came and visited did I feel okay. I half expected him to walk through the door. He doesn't.

I wonder if Katniss feels the same with the absence of Prim. I remember what I had thought about yesterday; Katniss had no Prim to stay strong for. I couldn't provide that for her. She needed something, anything, that stood for Prim.

Primroses.

The very thing she was named for. I know where to find them. Just a few feet inside the woods they grew abundantly, I had to go get some. Greasy Sae said she would get Katniss out today, I hope that I have enough time to get the flowers planted.

I'm quick to get dressed, pull on some boots that Cinna had given me a while back and a light jacket I had gotten from somewhere in the Capitol. The walk to the woods is quite peaceful. I had forgotten how truly beautiful District Twelve was. The sun began to shine through the trees and danced among the flowers.

Part of the old meadow had been turned up. It takes me a moment to realize that it was where they put all the dead bodies. And I think, there was no better place for the people of Twelve. The place free of dirt and grime where they could finally find rest. So peaceful.

The Primroses were in heavy bloom, hundreds of them were scattered across the forest floor. I grab enough to cover the side of Katniss' home. Enough for her to remember Prim's delicate, innocent, wise, beauty.

I begin as soon as I reach her house. I don't jump when I hear the opening and shutting of the door, no I do not startle until I see her.

I want to run and cry and take her with me and hold her until it's okay and she's feeling better and the burns on her skin have disappeared, I want to tell her I love her into eternity and I want to forget everything. I don't want to remember all the pain we have gone through. I don't want to see this pain on her face. I don't want to know how frail she looks. I want it all to be good. I want us to be happy. But I just stand there and look at her and she looks at me and we take in each other.

Her hair falls over her shoulder in her normal braid, but that is the only thing normal about her. Her eyes are two balls of nothingness floating through space, not even searching for a purpose. Her body does not look strong, but frail and broken. Burns are scattered across her skin in uneven proportions. She wasn't Katniss Everdeen, The Girl on Fire. She was Katniss Everdeen, The Girl that Lost Everything.

I just wanted to hold her.

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**Okay, I love the last part, almost made me cry.**

**It's been a year since I posted the first chapter of The Fate Games, really can't believe it. Thanks for all of you that have stuck with me. **

**Please REVIEW on the way out! Thanks! ~boywithbreadlover**


	55. Chapter 55

**Here's the next chapter! Enjoy! I do not own Mockingjay, any direct quotes will be in italics.**

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**Ch. 55**

"_You're back."_ These are the first words she utters to me. I hadn't heard her voice in who knows how long. I almost felt as if I had been set free once she spoke. This was no longer the voice I fell in love with, no, it was much different, but that voice was still underneath it all. And the way her eyes crinkled as she spoke, as if she was disbelieving that I was there.

"_Dr. Aurelius wouldn't let me leave the Capitol until yesterday," _It was a partial lie. I hadn't known I could leave the Capitol. I thought District Twelve was done for. I thought I would waste away in that giant mansion. I had not known if I would ever see her face again, "_By the way, he said to tell you he can't keep pretending he's treating you forever. You have to pick up the phone." _I see her eyes quiver in confusion. I wonder suddenly if she was even alive enough to hear it ring.

She reaches her hand up to her face and tries to tear away the hair that covers part of her eyes. The motion is completely futile it seems because just as her hand comes back down the hair goes right back. Her eyes become accusing.

"_What are you doing?" _she says, trying to be harsh but failing miserably.

"_I went to the woods this morning and dug these up." _A slight pause, could she handle hearing her name out loud? "_For her. I thought we could plant them along the side of the house."_

She stares at me for what seems like minutes her face registering complete anger. She calms down after a couple seconds only for her to nod her head at me and run away.

I didn't talk to Katniss for a few days after that.

She came to me with the idea. I had seen how she had began to talk sometimes sharing memories with me about Prim or her mother or even her father. Sometimes telling me how much she missed them by just the look in her eye. I could see her coming back to life, little by little, she began to trust me again and I began to trust myself.

I knew she wanted to do something, it wasn't until she told me what, that I realized how perfect it was.

She wanted to make a book about all the people we had loved and lost. Paper came and we got to work. It reminded me of our earlier work on her family herb book, but this one was much more emotional. The both of us had a lot, not sparing one of the tributes that we had came across during our Games. Haymitch had remembered all 49 names of the tributes in his year and all though we didn't have much to add on their pages they still would not be forgotten.

It was the people we loved that took up most of our time. Prim's took four days to complete, Finnick's three. Katniss studied over Rue's page until every last detail was emptied into it. My family was the hardest for me. Katniss had handed me the book and told me to start it, only adding a few more things when we were done.

This is what brought us back together and each of us fell back into routine. Katniss hunted and I baked. Haymitch drank, but not the way he did before we came along. And somehow we held each other all together.

Bit by bit Katniss came back to me.

"You don't have to leave." She had said to me one night when we had forgotten all about time and just worked over the pages for our loved ones.

"Are you sure?" The nightmares never left me and I'm sure they had never emptied from Katniss' mind either. The only thing that held us back from staying together was the fear of each other, but all of that had washed away.

There are times when the monster takes over, but all I have to do is remember who I am, who she is, and the monster retreats back behind his wall. I do realize this limits a lot of things. Katniss still looks worried for me sometimes, but I feel worried for her too.

Her nightmares are the worst and sometimes she does not feel welcome in my poorly repaired arms. Some nights neither of us get any sleep, and some nights I don't want the sleep.

We fall back into what we had before slowly. She kisses me because she wants to, I feel the hunger in her soul and it's times like these that I want to forget about everything else.

I do know that I will never want anything, but Katniss and so one late night with our arms wrapped tightly around each other I whisper, "_You love me. Real or not real?_"

There was no hesitation, no thinking as she said, "_Real."_

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**One last chapter guys, and it won't be that long. It is the Epilogue and then I'm done with this. As I promised there will be a five chapter one about Katniss and Peeta growing back together, because I wanted to treat this one as Suzanne had treated it. This chapter is short, but the Epilogue should be up shortly after I post this one so it will be like one long chapter. **

**I would also like to post the first chapter of the five chapter thing today, but let's see how that goes. **

**Please I would deeply appreciate it if you would REVIEW it would really mean a lot. Thanks to come on the next and last chapter, wow I really can't believe this. ~boywithbreadlover**


	56. Epilogue

**This is it. Thank you so so much. Enjoy! I do not own Mockingjay.**

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**Epilogue**

Life never really ever got easier. I'd like to say it did and I think Katniss would to, but nightmares still had a claim on us. Together we make it through, but sometimes it gets very hard.

Our marriage was a small affair, held between only us and the fire. It could not have been anymore perfect.

Long conversations and time were what finally convinced her to bring a child into this world. Even though we no longer had to worry about the rule of a power hungry coward Katniss still held fear. Our world still had scars, people still passing away from strange diseases that had been caught in the water, or someone trying to assassinate our leaders, but over all it was much better than what it used to be. The children that we would bring into this world would not be harmed. Only our memories would be able to cause them pain and I had promised myself not to tell them until they were old enough to not hurt so much.

The girl was born first, so tiny and all mine and I could not begin to describe how much love I felt for her. She smiled at me and my heart melted. She did not care that I could be called insane at times. She didn't care about the scars that marred my body or the screams that accompanied hers in the night. She only cared that I loved her, that I held her like she was the most important thing in the world.

I think the only reason Katniss agreed to a second was because of the way I looked at her.

The boy came second and when he was born my heart melted just as much as it did with her. I could not tell you how much love I felt in my heart.

With them and Katniss I feel like I can almost forget everything that happened to me. And it does sicken me that sometimes Katniss must shield our kids from me. I cannot say how thankful I am for Haymitch.

Pain and misery is a funny thing the way it roots deep down inside of you. I like to the think that the boy who was reaped all that time ago is still there somewhere and I like to think that Katniss is still the little girl with two braids that sung the Valley song.

Life does get hard, but goodness is all around, everywhere I look. I could have became bitter, but then I would never have what I do today.

The Games, they ruined me, shredded me to pieces and left me to die, but also way deep in my core they kept me alive.

**The end.**

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**I would like to start out by thanking you, yes you, the person reading this right now. With out you I would not have the want to carry on with this story like I did. It has been an amazing journey with all of you. I go on to say thank you to Suzanne Collins for creating such amazing characters and a story that stole my heart and still has not come back with it. I don't know where I would be with out this wonderful creation, it has taken me to so many beautiful places. I would like to say thank you to all of you that have been there since the very beginning ((when my writing wasn't very good)) and grew with me. I would like to thank the amazing people I had the pleasure of talking to on here. You know who you are, all of you are such wonderful people. Lastly, I would like to thank Peeta for letting me explore who he is as a character and fall in love with him all over again. **

**I have decided to name my five chapter thing The Dandelion, it should hopefully be up by saturday. **

**If any of you would like to talk to me my PM's are always open and if you have a fan account on twitter PM me and I'll give you my Username, I would love to get to know you. **

**Please I would be very very thankful if you REVIEWED this one since it is the very end. Okay wow, it's the end. I'm done. I've got to let that sink in. This has been a crazy year, and I can't believe I'm done. Please do REVIEW. ~boywithbreadlover **


	57. Update

**Hello! Don't mean to scare you guys, but just wanted to give you a quick update, my 5 chapter fic is posted! It is entitled The Dandelion please go check it out! It would really mean a lot. It's only the first chapter so far, hopefully I will update quicker than I previously have been!**

**Also, I miss writing from the books terribly. When I'm completely done I'm going to miss Peeta so much. Sounds like I need to reread the trilogy...and wait for Catching Fire to come out. **

**See you guys at the midnight premiere!**

**Also I didn't get many reviews at the end, which kind of makes me feel...I don't know...like you guys didn't like it? Please tell me how you felt, about the end, about all three of them, I don't care, just something would be very appreciated! ~boywithbreadlover**


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